Disturbing Mascots
Happy Birthday from Your Evil Skeleton Pals
29/01/12 18:58
Another freakish card from Xue Hwa. One of those
instances where the Mainland manufacturer must have
slapped whatever image they had handy behind the text
and said “Run that mother! We’ve got a quota to hit!”
Can’t imagine who would want and/or appreciate a
gaggle of evil glowing-eyed skeletons wishing them a
happy b-day. Still the grim reaper guy is
waving at least, and the bats are flying in a loose
‘happy birthday-ish’ formation...
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Cactus-suited Hello Kitty Joins Death in a Snowglobe
15/01/12 09:02
From a 7-11 store window in Central. Seems Hell
O’Kitty has landed another sponsorship coup, this
time partnering with Death itself. Not sure what they
are selling exactly, but it apparently involves a
Cactus suit for Kitty, a rather depressed looking
Death - ‘can’t believe my agent talked me into this’
- and a snowglobe. For what its worth said snowglobe
was not for sale inside the 7-11 (yes I looked).
Would that the ‘real’ Hello Kitty was doomed to such an eternal fate - trapped with Death incarnate within a hermetically sealed prison, while forced to wear a ridiculous (even for her) outfit. Though I’d honestly feel sorry for Death...
Would that the ‘real’ Hello Kitty was doomed to such an eternal fate - trapped with Death incarnate within a hermetically sealed prison, while forced to wear a ridiculous (even for her) outfit. Though I’d honestly feel sorry for Death...
Hey, Lets' Get Together - Over Some of That 'Coffee' Everybody's Talking About
06/01/12 06:58
One of a trove of bizarre greeting cards etc I
stumbled on at Yue Hwa, the Chinese dept. store in
Mongkok. Seems there’s this refreshing brewed
beverage called ‘coffee’, which is made from roasting
coffee ‘beans’, grinding them into ‘grounds’ (obvious
enough), and forcing boiling water through them in a
newfangled contraption such as that pitcher-shaped
device below (leave it to those Italians - such a
clever people when they put their minds to it).
Coffee is purported to have almost magical
rejuvenating powers, and is quite the social
lubricant. It’ll give us the perfect excuse to catch
up! Honestly would you want to ‘get together’ with
anyone who handed you this card? Or would you smile
woodenly and slowly back away...
De Showy Masquerade w/ Bubblegum Crown & Gold Foil Hair
01/01/12 07:05
Über star Aaron Kwok is at it again with a new
concert/album/monstrosity. I can’t look at his
‘crown’ without being reminded me of a monstrous
smear of freshly chewed bubblegum. Why anyone thought
that pairing a pearlescent pink blob with gold
foil-encrusted hair would look good is beyond me.
It’s certainly ‘de showy’ I suppose. What’s scary is
that by HK costume standards, this is rather
understated...
...Like I Need a Knife Below my Ribcage
04/11/11 08:20
The tag for a cheaply made ‘life-size’ skeleton
decoration from a toy store in a street market in
Wanchai. Not much here - I was just taken aback by
the almost nonchalant knife sticking out of just
below the skeleton/ghost’s ribcage (which I’m told is
a very effective place to stab someone). He looks
more annoyed than scary though, like the addition of
the knife is really just shit he doesn’t
need...
1 Clip Attack # - No Pain No Game?!
21/10/11 07:11
A truly freakish ad for a jeans/fashion company.
Unless they extensively photoshopped this shot, those
really are clips all over his face. Which
leaves one to wonder: what the hell are they
thinking?! What has this got to do even remotely with
pants? Why would I want to buy jeans that remind me
of this? Is this what their jeans do to one’s
genitalia? I can categorically state this a game
nobody wants to play...
The Old Banana Eating, Bible Thumping Screaming Eagle Motif
21/09/11 07:23
Truly bizarre marketing. Security software(?)
packaging that features the now ubiquitous
‘anthropomorphic banana eating, bible thumping
screaming eagle’ motif. How many times are marketing
gurus going to trot this old cliche’ out? Seriously,
you can’t use it for just anything.
Hackneyed imagery doesn’t sell product gentlemen,
quality does...
We Promise! We Will Take Care of Your Stomach!
16/09/11 15:03
A bizarre ad for the ‘Food Forum’ restaurants on the
top floors of Times Square in Causeway Bay. It seems
a slate of chefs is reassuring their throng of
devoted fans that they’ve got their backs, or rather
stomachs. Odd that the stadium is filled almost
entirely with Americans, but who knows, maybe this is
from the ‘Food Forum Chefs’ recent world tour. Of
course, we’ve heard such statements from the chefs
before, like when they promised to protect social
security and stop bank foreclosures. At least this in
one area they can claim expertise. Still, four master
chefs for a million people seems a stretch; one can
only hope that they’re adept at doubling, or rather
millioning their recipes...
Meeoowwch!
19/08/11 07:27
A get well card from a gift/scrapbooking/yarn shop in
Maine, which appears to have carried the same stock
since 1972. I was stopped dead in my tracks by the
plight of Mr. Fluffington however. Shouldn’t puns
this bad be illegal?
Regardless, it seems he’s had a bit of an run in with a car tire, though I’m sure with enough overindulgence and expensive medical care (no driving over the border to Canada for him - only the highest jacked-up US medical fees will do!) he’ll be purrfectly fine. Or is that pawfectly?
Which reminds me, why aren’t there cards like this that say meowtherf***er? Now that’s a card I would buy without hesitation. And my respect for the store that carried it would rise exponentially too.
I actually thought about buying this and sending it as a joke, but the thought of keeping a card around in case one of your friends gets sick was, well, sick. Also I don’t know that many people who could absorb such toxic levels of snark while still recuperating...
Regardless, it seems he’s had a bit of an run in with a car tire, though I’m sure with enough overindulgence and expensive medical care (no driving over the border to Canada for him - only the highest jacked-up US medical fees will do!) he’ll be purrfectly fine. Or is that pawfectly?
Which reminds me, why aren’t there cards like this that say meowtherf***er? Now that’s a card I would buy without hesitation. And my respect for the store that carried it would rise exponentially too.
I actually thought about buying this and sending it as a joke, but the thought of keeping a card around in case one of your friends gets sick was, well, sick. Also I don’t know that many people who could absorb such toxic levels of snark while still recuperating...
Snappy Joe the Jeepster
26/06/11 18:02
I recently found this shot from the Heritage Museum,
home of other toy legends like Mr Smash, the
Clockwork Walking Smash Martian and Col. ‘Hap’
Hazard.
Behold the infamous ‘Snappy Joe’ the Jeepster, who had his teeth replaced with a jagged set of steel fangs. Even added teeth to his jeep. Apparently he didn’t think his psychotic eyes were intimidating enough; perhaps he felt insecure being a jeepster around all those tanks. Of course Joe’s fellow troops gave him a wide berth regardless, especially when he went on wild joyrides around the base. He would often blow through intersections while waving a live grenade around (at least I think thats a grenade, or maybe its a pumpkin?). Somehow I don’t think Snappy adapted well to civilian life...
Behold the infamous ‘Snappy Joe’ the Jeepster, who had his teeth replaced with a jagged set of steel fangs. Even added teeth to his jeep. Apparently he didn’t think his psychotic eyes were intimidating enough; perhaps he felt insecure being a jeepster around all those tanks. Of course Joe’s fellow troops gave him a wide berth regardless, especially when he went on wild joyrides around the base. He would often blow through intersections while waving a live grenade around (at least I think thats a grenade, or maybe its a pumpkin?). Somehow I don’t think Snappy adapted well to civilian life...
Bobo Fan Club Vs. Bonobo Fan Club
18/04/11 06:26
A ‘recommendation’ sticker at a nearby restaurant. I
found the name ‘bobo fan club’ odd enough to include
here. Later out of curiosity typed in the site
address. Apparently Bobo is some local celebrity chef
(or maybe just a ‘professional celebrity’, one of
many ‘outdated’ stars in HK with enough name
recognition that people will still pay them to come
to parties and be seen with them). I assume he
doesn’t know-or care-that ‘Bobo’ sounds like the name
of a clown or circus chimp to American ears...
I recognized him later on a wall in Happy Valley. This is his ‘look’ apparently - silver hair, goatee, and pristine white shirt. At least his name must carry enough culinary cache that he gets some foodie endorsements, like for this wine fridge outfit.
Anyway it occurred to me that it would be much more fun to have a ‘bonobo fan club’, restaurants that have earned recommendations from our nearest genetic cousins, the infamously promiscuous bonobos. A restaurant sporting a bonobofanclub.com sticker would guarantee scandalous entertainment if nothing else, provided free of charge by the swinging clientele, at least until the cops showed up. Wouldn’t do much for the appetite, however...
I recognized him later on a wall in Happy Valley. This is his ‘look’ apparently - silver hair, goatee, and pristine white shirt. At least his name must carry enough culinary cache that he gets some foodie endorsements, like for this wine fridge outfit.
Anyway it occurred to me that it would be much more fun to have a ‘bonobo fan club’, restaurants that have earned recommendations from our nearest genetic cousins, the infamously promiscuous bonobos. A restaurant sporting a bonobofanclub.com sticker would guarantee scandalous entertainment if nothing else, provided free of charge by the swinging clientele, at least until the cops showed up. Wouldn’t do much for the appetite, however...
Dodge-Em Tricky Action
16/04/11 07:57
One of the last of the trove that is the Heritage
Museum. I thought they couldn’t top ‘Mr. Smash’, but
‘Dodge-Em Tricky Action’ gives him a run for his
money. I love the innocent little ‘duck and cover’
kids riding the bumper cars; I especially love that
some bored museum employee posed the little girl
shaking her fist at the rapscallion little boy who’s
about to ram her. Hopefully she’ll employ some artful
dodge-em tricky action and send him flying
into the patriotic border ring...
Drinking Secret Captain Bond XX7
13/04/11 07:42
Two more toys from the priceless HK Heritage Museum
collection. The “James Bond 007 Secret Service Game”
is rather forgettable (save for the vaguely Sean
Connery-esque illustration), but it makes a fine
counterpoint to “The Drinking Captain”, who comes
complete with bottle o’ rum and drinking lamp(?). It
reminds one of those big outdoor heaters at ‘al
fresco’ restaurants, though I assume the lamp lights
up whenever he takes a swig. I love how he has a hand
on the lamp to steady himself too. Aye steady as she
goes, Cap’n...
If only there were a way to combine the two into one über toy, say “The Drinking Secret Captain Bond XX7”, complete with signature Baretta pistol, but with a travel case martini (shaken by the sea, don’t ya know) rather than the bottle of XX rotgut. I’d keep the striped sailor shirt, worn under the tux jacket for a nice iconoclastic touch. I’m sure Q would have some ingenius weapon hidden in the lamp, or maybe in the life preserver...
If only there were a way to combine the two into one über toy, say “The Drinking Secret Captain Bond XX7”, complete with signature Baretta pistol, but with a travel case martini (shaken by the sea, don’t ya know) rather than the bottle of XX rotgut. I’d keep the striped sailor shirt, worn under the tux jacket for a nice iconoclastic touch. I’m sure Q would have some ingenius weapon hidden in the lamp, or maybe in the life preserver...
Waste of Fire-Wielding Talent?
08/04/11 08:20
A billboard ad for a local duck specialty restaurant.
Seems like a waste of the man’s impressive mutant
fire-wielding powers, but then again that looks like
one perfectly roasted duck...
Ice Palace Fishbowl - with 'Authentic' Goldfish
05/04/11 08:32
No, this is not a belated April Fools image - those
really are actual goldfish ‘swimming’ in a
solid ice fishbowl (along with a few tufts of seaweed
to add to the oh so subtle illusion). Apparently the
folks at the Ice Palace decided to go for
authenticity. The creepiness is further enhanced by
the unearthly green glow permeating the ice around
it. Have to wonder what the guy who did this was
thinking as he poured water into the mold and over
the strategically placed carcasses - ‘Man this will
look great! And so realistic, just like our
neon-embedded ice sculptures!”
Mr Smash, the Clockwork Walking Smash Martian
02/04/11 08:00
Another toy from the Heritage Museum. No need to
embellish such naming genius - this is easily one of
best names for a toy (or any product really) EVER.
What overly rambunctious little boy could resist a
Mr. Smash? Note the tool of his trade, a
subtle but devastating orange plasma hammer, which
offsets the rather odd clamshell mouth and unsettling
dead black eyes...
Of course the fact that he’s a ‘clockwork walking smash martian’ assures him a place in the HKB Hall of Champions (or at least head of the ‘automatronic ambulatory demolition alien’ contingent, an admittedly small but vital component)...
Of course the fact that he’s a ‘clockwork walking smash martian’ assures him a place in the HKB Hall of Champions (or at least head of the ‘automatronic ambulatory demolition alien’ contingent, an admittedly small but vital component)...
Colonel 'Hap' Hazard's Helicopter Suit Misadventure
25/03/11 06:27
From the Hong Kong Heritage Museum. One of many gems
I stumbled on during a fieldtrip there. Like most
museums here in HK, the museum is refreshingly
well-funded (compared to many in the US), though
there is a limited amount of content. They do well
with what they’ve got though. And the toy section has
an amazing array of period toys made during HK’s
‘golden’ manufacturing age.
Here we have the toy based on the infamous Col. Harlan ‘Hap’ Hazard, a well meaning but hopelessly unlucky astronaut. Seems every project Col. Hazard was assigned to experienced random, chaotic events. This toy chronicles his most famous Moon mission, during which he successfully landed only to realize that the boys at Cape Canaveral had outfitted him with a helicopter blade, instead of the intended rocket pack. Of course the helicopter idea didn’t work too well on the Moon, seeing as there’s no air...
Here we have the toy based on the infamous Col. Harlan ‘Hap’ Hazard, a well meaning but hopelessly unlucky astronaut. Seems every project Col. Hazard was assigned to experienced random, chaotic events. This toy chronicles his most famous Moon mission, during which he successfully landed only to realize that the boys at Cape Canaveral had outfitted him with a helicopter blade, instead of the intended rocket pack. Of course the helicopter idea didn’t work too well on the Moon, seeing as there’s no air...
Nothing Like Museum Quality Paintings of Blue Frog Mutants to Whet the Appetite
18/03/11 06:43
From the ‘Blue Frog’ a US style bar & grill in
Beijing we hit the break up our run of exclusively
local fare. Seems the proprietors have either: a)
contacted an advanced civilization in an alternate
universe where blue frogs (and not monkeys) evolved
into the dominant species, with uncanny cultural
similarities to our own, or: b) they hired a very
good local hungry painter to render (and render well
- these are quality oil paintings) their namesake in
a bizarre branding/name tie-in. Unfortunately for
them, the paintings: a) it definitely help me
remember them, but not in a remotely good way and: b)
it didn’t make me hungry (quite the opposite
in fact). These are even more unsettling in real
life, ‘scare the children’ life-like, especially the
‘greek’ frog god in the toga, and the Renaissance
woman holding a mutant pet that resembled ‘Woodstock’
from Charlie Brown...
Cringe-Inducing Cardoor Kitsche on a Hover Car
12/03/11 07:48
A cardoor decoration from Beijing. I initially
stopped to get a picture of the car’s name, the
‘Hover’, which is apparently a new SUV from a Chinese
car company called Great Wall - no really. I hope
they weren’t trying to rhyme with ‘Rover’. If so,
someone in their international marketing dept. needs
to brush up on their English. Also they might want to
know that ‘hover car’ has obvious futuristic
connotations; I assume people arent’ buying this
vehicle with the expectation that it will in fact
well, hover. By the way what ever happened
to the flying cars we were all supposed to have by
now? Maybe Great Wall has something up their sleeves,
hopefully more practical than their namesake
landmark...
But I digress. as I stopped to shoot the aforementioned quirky name I saw what I thought was an oddly colored door pad, only to realize that this was a novelty item the owner had no doubt purchased while very, very drunk. Having a set of fingers trapped in a cardoor is the most unsettling car decoration i’ve ever seen, far more than the old ‘cabbage patch baby hanging by its fingers in the car window’ that thankfully fell out of favor years ago. This is cringe, even nightmare-inducing stuff for anyone who’s ever actually done this, ie slammed their fingers in a car door. I literally pulled my hand back in reflexive horror when I saw it. Suffice it to say it doesn’t make the car hover any better either...
But I digress. as I stopped to shoot the aforementioned quirky name I saw what I thought was an oddly colored door pad, only to realize that this was a novelty item the owner had no doubt purchased while very, very drunk. Having a set of fingers trapped in a cardoor is the most unsettling car decoration i’ve ever seen, far more than the old ‘cabbage patch baby hanging by its fingers in the car window’ that thankfully fell out of favor years ago. This is cringe, even nightmare-inducing stuff for anyone who’s ever actually done this, ie slammed their fingers in a car door. I literally pulled my hand back in reflexive horror when I saw it. Suffice it to say it doesn’t make the car hover any better either...
Gripe Water - Rapid Relief of Wind and Gripe
25/02/11 12:59
A quick post about gripe water. Initially I found the
term ‘gripe water’ amusing; I’ve since been told that
‘gripe’ is a Brit term for colic. Still to Americans
to ‘gripe’ means to bitch or complain, and ‘wind’ is
an archaic term used ironically (think Break Like
the Wind, the estimable sequel to
Spinal Tap). A more useful US
version would be targeted not at colicky babies and
their sleepless parents, but rather for those
unfortunates exposed to rightwing talk radio and fox
news (such as workers forced to listen to rush
limbaugh or sean hannity by their petty tyrant
bosses). It would provide rapid relief from ignorant
whining, race-baiting, spittle-flecked griping
and toxic levels of foul smelling hot air...
Hello Kitty Swiss Formula Strawberry Cyber Clean
19/02/11 08:18
Yet another nonsensical Hello Kitty item. For the
record Cyber Clean is a keyboard cleaning product,
which looks and feels like clammy, oddly firm
pudding. I confess I once bought some of the ‘normal’
lemon scented stuff, and have to admit that it does
clean out the crumbs etc fairly well. Still, why
would you buy this particular wad of Cyber
Clean?Because its from Switzerland - or at least
formulated by Swiss cyber-engineers? No!
Because it has Hello Kitty on it of course! And it
smells like strawberries, just like Hello Kitty...
Understand Classical: Witch-hatted Garlic Cloves Signify Roast Pig's Knuckles
13/02/11 17:20
Another selection from the previously mentioned menu.
Nothing says classic Beijing cuisine like roast pig’s
knuckles, and nothing signifies classic pig’s
knuckles quite like a pair of witch-hatted cloves of
garlic. Obvious really...
A Bucket of 12 Inch Gummi Nightcrawler Bait - Yummi!
09/02/11 20:38
From the quickie mart store in Beijing. As someone
who hates Gummi bears and other similar candy, I
can’t speak to how long these things have been
around, but I can speak to the uniquely unappetizing
thought of eating a 12 inch long Gummi nightcrawler
worm from a bucket. I didn’t check to see if they
were packed in moist dirt like real nightcrawlers,
though that would add undeniable authenticity...
Perhaps I’m not alone in my disgust, seeing as they had a veritable tower of the stuff sitting untouched for a week (on sale for 1/2 off to boot). The mind boggles at what the good folks at Gummi Works will think of next: how about a bucket of Gummi Small Intestines? 36 feet of chewilicious gummy joy! Or maybe a bucket of Gummi Meal Worms or Gummi Chum, to expand on their bait-as-candy motif...
Perhaps I’m not alone in my disgust, seeing as they had a veritable tower of the stuff sitting untouched for a week (on sale for 1/2 off to boot). The mind boggles at what the good folks at Gummi Works will think of next: how about a bucket of Gummi Small Intestines? 36 feet of chewilicious gummy joy! Or maybe a bucket of Gummi Meal Worms or Gummi Chum, to expand on their bait-as-candy motif...
This Was For Sale. For Money.
07/02/11 07:20
A painting for sale at a mall in Beijing. Thats
right, this abomination was being sold for
money. Suffice it to say I don’t think they’ll
have any takers, save for the infamous ‘Museum of Bad
Art’ in Boston. The puzzling thing about this
atrocity is that who or whatever painted it can
actually paint, at least in the sense that
they know how to blend colors etc. I hope they didn’t
actually experience the acid trip it seems based on.
Some interesting mutant animals must be scurrying
around their subconscious: we have a four-eyed snail,
a coatrack-like truffula tree, a magenta parasite(?),
a razor-toothed robotic toucan, a leaf-crested worm
dragon, and my personal favorite in the menagerie, a
gecko with a French Tricolore sawtoothed tongue...
Crazy! X'Mas! Crazymichael!
18/12/10 08:22
The holiday installation at Times Square. I’d never
heard of ‘crazymichael’ is and don’t much care about
it to be honest. A cursory internets search revealed
this:
Hong Kong vinyl pioneer Michael Lau returns with... Crazymichael, a character born out of Lau’s collaboration with Nike for the Air Force 1’s 25th anniversary back in 2008... 12” figures are priced at $1,999 HKD, with only 499 units being made available.
Yes that about $260 US for a toy. Nice work if you can get it. By the way the thirty foot tall crazymichael in the lobby has a rotating head, no doubt to further cement his crazy status (that’s supposed to be a straightjacket he’s wearing). There are a number of these figures festooning the lobby around the blue carpet, as well as more human size toys that look like mutant ‘70s NBA players, ’80s break dancers, and various other ‘kindergardners’(?)
Again what is impressive or disconcerting depending on your viewpoint is the absurd scale of all of this. The giant michael is complimented by 20 foot wide floating ‘thought bubbles’ rigged from the ceiling; the exterior installation has seven foot spray cans and two story assemblages of ‘hi my name is’ stickers. I included the one ‘subversive’ addition. Seems Michael Lau (or one of his devoted coterie of proteges’) included bullshit as a name. How naughty! How subversive! How crazy! Personally I like the mysterious ‘german f’ one myself...
Hong Kong vinyl pioneer Michael Lau returns with... Crazymichael, a character born out of Lau’s collaboration with Nike for the Air Force 1’s 25th anniversary back in 2008... 12” figures are priced at $1,999 HKD, with only 499 units being made available.
Yes that about $260 US for a toy. Nice work if you can get it. By the way the thirty foot tall crazymichael in the lobby has a rotating head, no doubt to further cement his crazy status (that’s supposed to be a straightjacket he’s wearing). There are a number of these figures festooning the lobby around the blue carpet, as well as more human size toys that look like mutant ‘70s NBA players, ’80s break dancers, and various other ‘kindergardners’(?)
Again what is impressive or disconcerting depending on your viewpoint is the absurd scale of all of this. The giant michael is complimented by 20 foot wide floating ‘thought bubbles’ rigged from the ceiling; the exterior installation has seven foot spray cans and two story assemblages of ‘hi my name is’ stickers. I included the one ‘subversive’ addition. Seems Michael Lau (or one of his devoted coterie of proteges’) included bullshit as a name. How naughty! How subversive! How crazy! Personally I like the mysterious ‘german f’ one myself...
A King's Foursome with Mr. Bacon, Mr. Cheese, and Mr. Pineapple
10/12/10 19:45
Seems Burger King is now promoting outright adultery,
tempting the ladies with the foul triumvirate of
Misters Bacon, Cheese, and Pineapple(?). What woman
can resist a foursome with these formidable
paramours? What woman wouldn’t want three snazzy new
tattoos declaring her rather crowded dalliance to the
world? Have to say though that the tattoos should at
least have a passing reference to well, bacon, cheese
and pineapple, no? And don’t know what flowers and
hearts have to do with any of them. But I guess in
the grip of a four time cheatin’ heart, an already
vulnerable gal may agree to anything. I just hope
they don’t make her choose one over the other. My
money’s on Mr. Bacon...
Unintentionally Hitlerseque
09/12/10 11:52
A bus-stop poster near our apt. Its great to see the
Red Cross and ‘Twin Bears’ team up for charity, but I
the think ad campaign may have birthed an unfortunate
(and no doubt unintentional) cross-reference. It
seems each time I see the half bear/half pop idol
face on the left, I’m reminded of Hitler. The teddy’s
nose is the signature mustache, and the severely
parted hair completes it. I though I was overreacting
so to speak, but I’ve pointed this out to a few
people and either they see it themselves right away
or get it as soon as I mention it. I hope the image
doesn’t subconsciously cause anyone to forgo
donating. Then again it may cause a wholly unexpected
spike in donations from nazis...
Hello Kitty Takes British Throne
06/12/10 08:20
A Hell O’Kitty installation here in HK. This one at
Langham Place. Seems hello kitty has taken Britain by
storm, not only assuming the throne, but taking over
Parliament as well. Note how she’s replaced the
beefeaters (under Big Ben) with her dead eyed
minions. Even the tourists and jingoistic spice girl
wannabes have fallen under her power. Have to say she
looks pretty grand up there on the bridge though. Of
course we’ll have to forego the ‘Hell O’Kitty’ tags
now - can’t have an Irish name associated with the
throne, not even as a joke. Oh well, the Windsors are
actually German anyway, though having a Japanese
monarch may taking some getting used to. And her
latest proclamation - that all citizens must wear a
red bow on the left side of their head and have
whiskers tattooed on their cheeks - is already
running into politely murmured opposition in the
House of Lords...
Suction Cup Arm Nose
28/11/10 08:42
A bit of a throwaway post, but thought I’d include it
for the hell of it. This the packaging for a suction
cup hook. Because the vast majority of walls in HK
are concrete (often reinforced), one can’t just nail
into the wall as needed; in fact to mount anything
remotely heavy you have to hire some guy with an
industrial hammer drill to make properly deep holes.
So people end up peppering their homes with ugly
little concrete picture mounts, adhesive hooks, and
suction holders like this. Anyway what struck me
about this particular item isn’t the product itself
but rather the bizarre ‘mascot’ on the left: note the
hugely muscular arm where his nose should be - or is
it shoved through a hole in his nose? He
doesn’t seem bothered by it though, judging by his
hearty smile and wink. Then again I’m sure they
haven’t lost any sales over it: I need to get
some extra-strong suction hooks for my bathroom, but
look at the anatomically freakish mascot! I can’t
possibly justify purchasing that. Perhaps this brand
over here with a proper hook nose on their mascot;
yes, this will do nicely...
Dandy House Premium Whitening
24/11/10 15:12
A men’s slimming/skincare boutique here in HK.
Apparently they started in Japan, which explains the
name to a degree. Dandy doesn’t carry the
same gay connotation there as it does in the US and
‘commonwealth’ countries I suppose. In fact, judging
from the number of ‘dandies’ that festoon their anime
cartoons and comics, having delicate elven features,
bone white skin, foppish hair and an all-velvet
wardrobe is all the rage. And the name is truly
priceless - can’t imagine a more un-ironic moniker,
considering their services; a nice vintage turn on
‘metrosexual’. Ah yes, let us return to the gilded
age of dandified men, with lace handkerchieves and
acerbic courtesan wit. Or perhaps a new crop of Oscar
Wilde proteges, flinging brilliantly anachronistic
turns of phrase into the flustered faces of
pedestrian boors everywhere. Apparently you can now
opt for the ‘premium whitening’ too - not sure if
that just refers to just skin treatment, or if it
includes ‘epicanthic fold’ surgery and faux-blue
contacts as well. Or maybe a whole program to inject
premium white dandy culture, so one can take of
partake of ’CSI-Miami’ DVD sets, Hugo Boss body
scrub, and suitably distressed Diesel jeans. Hell
maybe they throw in some mayonnaise, the seminal
‘Hootie and the Blowfish’ album, a pack of Kraft
American cheese (individually wrapped slices of
course), a few seasons of ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’,
and some J Crew mock-turtlenecks to establish a firm
‘white’ cultural base. And 50% off to boot!
Tricky Trunks!
22/11/10 08:17
A zany calendar at a bookstore here in HK. Tricky
trunks indeed. Good to see that even rollerskating
elephants take safety seriously - note the ‘elbow’
pads and helmet - both in adorable pink! Somehow I
don’t see this working out so peachy in real life.
Though I could see Tricky here turning on her
tormentors and planting a well aimed 300 pound roller
skate onto their chests as she tramples them on her
way to that distant treeline...
Hello Kitty Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Penne & Fusilli - Mi (Heart) Food!
21/11/10 13:14
From a recent Hello Kitty promotion at CitySuper in
Causeway Bay. Just when you think the folks at Sanrio
(owners/perpetrators of the Hello Kitty phenomenon)
have run out of products to slap the their ubiquitous
icon onto, one runs into something like this. ‘Mi
(heart) Food’ isn’t even close to actual Italian or
English - but who cares? It has Hello Kitty on it!
Honestly why anyone would be swayed to buy extra
virgin olive oil and/or Italian fusilli or penne
pasta because that disturbing blank eyed face is on
the label is utterly beyond me. Then again the
thought of buying anything with Hello Kitty
slapped on it is beyond me, at least for anyone over
the age of 9...
The Legends of McRib
18/11/10 11:11
A screenshot from a sports website(?). Seems the
infamous McRib sandwich is making a comeback, and
false tales of it’s lightning inducing (as opposed to
its actual vomit-inducing) prowess are
hittin’ the airwaves. I have to admit to trying one
of these years (decades?) ago when it first came out,
and it was one of the most disgusting, disquieting
things i’ve ever eaten - which is saying something.
It was a vaguely meatish lump stamped into a vaguely
rib-rack shape - sans bones of course, slathered with
‘bbq’ sauce and onion bits. If ever there was a
soylent green product on the market, this is it. For
those of you who don’t know what soylent green is...
its’ people! soylent green is people!
Elf Ear
06/11/10 16:38
A quick post from our Halloween shopping excursion. I
couldn’t get many pictures - the staff get very upset
if you take photos, what with all the illegal
knockoff toys etc, so apologies for the blur. Seems
you can get your daughter that ‘elf ear’ she
desperately needs to complete her freakish
nun/maid/ninja/fox/elf combo anime’ costume. Silver
just-so japanime’ wig not included, nor is the badass
coquette anime’ attitude, or the age inappropriate
latex jacket (unfortunately cut off here). Thankfully
they do throw in two ears despite the tag. I
have to say the expression on the model’s face is a
bit much, especially considering she’s all or 4-5
years old. Hope she doesn’t get too attached to this
look, and opt for surgery later...
Beard Papa's - World's Best Cream Puffs?
03/10/10 15:37
A cream puff outfit originating in Japan. Honestly
who else would name a cream puff franchise - or
anything for that matter - ‘beard papas?. Anyway
they’ve been doing well for themselves, with a few
branches here in HK; in fact I saw a branch in San
Francisco last time we visited. I had seen their
signs here but wanted to actually try one before I
laid into them over the preposterous name. And I have
to give them credit; yes it is a very silly name, and
yes they have world class cream puffs. We went
conservative and tried the original with chocolate.
Far better than I expected, in fact the best cream
puff/profiterole I’ve had here, or anywhere outside
of Italy really. So they can keep the slightly creepy
mascot and the odd name; just as long as they don’t
change the recipe...
Evil Silken Credit Twins Humiliate the UPS Guy
20/09/10 07:07
I saw this billboard in Mongkok. I’ve seen this pair
a few times on local TV - nearest I can figure is
they’re vaguely mythical heroes who shill for a
credit bureau, but of course the commercials are in
Cantonese so who knows. I just found the image funny,
though bizarre and vaguely disturbing as well. What
exactly are they trying to portray here? And why are
they humiliating a doughy UPS delivery guy by pinning
him with candy-striped poles, to say nothing of
forcing him to wear a paper sack over his head? What
is he supposed to signify? Bad delivery services? And
why are they striking martial arts poses while
bedecked in matching silk suits, berets, and ties -
do they have business suits under the kungfu suits?
And do I really want to know?
Nothing Says Hipster Fashion Like a Three Eyed Lying Pinocchio
17/08/10 05:44
A window display for Chocoolate, a hipster brand here
in HK. They usually have pretty eclectic advertising,
and I’ll admit it got my attention, but in a what
the hell is that supposed to mean? sense. The
three eyes on Pinocchio are a bit disconcerting–and
why use Pinocchio in the first place? Also the leaf
growing from his nose doesn’t help clear up matters.
Does that mean he’s lying, but in an environmentally
responsible way?
10,000 lb. Mango Crushing Hammers and the Sweet Tang of Fear
12/08/10 21:15
A poster in Kennedy Town for a popular local juice
company. Seems they get their distinctive smooth
mango juice by employing a 10,000 lb. hammer to crush
anthropomorphic mangoes into a fine paste prior to
juicing. That explains the distinct tang of fear and
panic that permeates all their products. I love the
swirly ‘I just got hit by a 10,000 lb hammer and
its a bit disorientating’ eyes, and the puddle
of fear induced urine (juice?).
I just wonder though–does the mango know the hammer’s coming, or do they surprise it and get even more fear pheromones in the bargain?
I just wonder though–does the mango know the hammer’s coming, or do they surprise it and get even more fear pheromones in the bargain?
Japan Gets Screwed
09/08/10 22:45
A bit of a throwaway posting, but I’m on vacation. A
HK post office poster for sending things abroad,
based on the tried and true ‘look a crazily oversized
object!’ motif. I don’t know if this was an
intentional inside joke or not, but there are still
many who’d love to screw Japan over but good.
Honestly though has anyone ever sent screws
via the post office? My uncle needs some #24 philips
head galvanized pronto - I better get down
to the post office right away!
The Same Fish?
03/08/10 06:50
An HSBC ad in Happy Valley. I could ask what the
Cantonese translation is for this, but its much more
fun to imagine that both these poor gentlemen are
patiently fishing for the same fish. Unfortunately
for them, they live about 7,000 miles apart. I
suppose that fish must exceptionally quick; still one
of these men will be going home empty handed...
Lamb Shank & Pizza Combo
24/06/10 16:27
A combo special from our friends at Pepperoni's, the
recently defunct(?) pizza place here in Happy Valley.
Not a combination you'd find in the US (of anywhere
else I can think of, save New Zealand). Still the
shank certainly looks appetizing, and at $150 HKD (20
US) its quite a bargain - assuming we're talking a
decent sized shank here - we are?- well alright then.
Perhaps in the future they'll just drop the shank on
top of the pizza. Hard to fit in a pizza box
though...
Mane 'n Tail Shampoo. Now You Can Have Your Horses' Lustrous Shine
30/05/10 17:10
A popular shampoo used by starlets and wannabes
throughout HK. I was going to file this under 'Super
English Force' as yet another poor choice of product
name, but this is really is mane and tail
shampoo. For horses.
From the company website:

One of the odder splash pages you'll come across. Honestly how many companies give personal and animal care options? Also I love the little horse name in the lower right hand corner: Anton 343; interesting name for a horse. Does he know Andre 3000? Sadly the model didn't get her name up too. Anyway more from the website FAQ: Mane ‘n Tail products were originally developed for horses. Horse owners reported seeing significant improvement in the health and appearance of their horses’ manes and tails. Similar results were seen when horse owners and groomers used the products on themselves (wouldn't you?). This was the beginning of the Mane ‘n Tail legend. They also have a nail care solution called Hoofmaker, So not only can you get lustrous shine with Mane n' Tail, but you can also clean up those split nails after a hard day of riding and/or wagon pulling...
From the company website:

One of the odder splash pages you'll come across. Honestly how many companies give personal and animal care options? Also I love the little horse name in the lower right hand corner: Anton 343; interesting name for a horse. Does he know Andre 3000? Sadly the model didn't get her name up too. Anyway more from the website FAQ: Mane ‘n Tail products were originally developed for horses. Horse owners reported seeing significant improvement in the health and appearance of their horses’ manes and tails. Similar results were seen when horse owners and groomers used the products on themselves (wouldn't you?). This was the beginning of the Mane ‘n Tail legend. They also have a nail care solution called Hoofmaker, So not only can you get lustrous shine with Mane n' Tail, but you can also clean up those split nails after a hard day of riding and/or wagon pulling...
Santa Prefers a Light Smoke...
24/05/10 19:10
From a web sidebar ad. Seems Santa prefers a lighter
smoke after a long eve of deliveries. Understandable
considering he's already weighed down by several
million cookies and gallons of spiked eggnog; just
needs to unwind a bit after his hectic night. This is
the one night when Mrs. Claus won't begrudge a cig at
least. It is toasted after all...
The Cyber King of Keys
08/05/10 09:57
A poster for the much anticipated return of 'the King
of Keys'. Seems he's had extensive cyborg
augmentation done since his last tour; now only his
head (and of course his heart, so he can still feel
the pain, channel the love) are still organic. The
new royal suit comes complete with a thruster pack
for navigating his zero-G orbital concert hall, and
allows access to the 88 semi-autonomous piano keys.
One can only imagine if such technology fell into the
wrong hands... better not to think about it. Better
to bow down before the rightful king and marvel at
his hypervelocity arpeggios and exponentially
advanced smarm quotient.
They Meant Well...
20/04/10 06:28
This from the Nature Garden complex on Ma Wan Island,
next to the more famous Noah's Ark attraction (who
knew the ark was here under a bridge this whole time,
and not on the slopes of Mt. Arrarat?). Anyway this
is part of a well-intentioned green energy section of
the park, complete with windmills and solar panels.
Seems they decided to include methane production as
well. So we have happy eco-critters(?) in hard hats,
a hazard-taped cutaway container, whorls of feces,
and some bewildered amoebic figures representing the
methane producing bacteria. They look surprised to be
there, perhaps wondering what evil they perpetrated
to deserve this karmic fate. Note the pyro critter on
top with the match, and the one holding his nose and
tearing up from the stench below. I'm all for
educating the kinder about green energy, but I'm
afraid this one needs some work. Granted its a tall
order to make methane production interesting to
children (or anyone really), but a cutaway jar full
of plastic manure and fart gas isn't going to cut it.
No pun intended...
Originated from China Ecological Grassland, with Bovine Guardians
05/04/10 07:20
A billboard advertising milk from the mainland. Of
course its highly unlikely that such verdant pastures
exist anywhere in China; and while
'ecological grassland' sounds vaguely
positive, it doesn't actually mean anything.
Also considering China's infamous plastic additive
(melamine) scandal, when the Chinese throw words like
ecological around, one should be very wary. Still I
have to give credit to the poor sods who had to
photoshop the 'dairy cow' clouds (having done this
once myself with the old AOL logo, i can attest that
its a real pain in the ass to make clouds
look both 'realistic' and recognizable as something
else). But perhaps the bovine guardian spirits really
are watching over this precious patch of
idyllic green, and the photographer just got lucky...
Mr. Magic Would WOW You with the Wondrous World of Wonders
11/03/10 18:40
A subway poster in Admiralty, announcing the
'International WOW Magic on Earth II' . Seems one
show couldn't contain all the WOW. The name qualifies
it for easy inclusion here - though Mr. Magic's
mullet and silver blouse take a close second.
I later looked this extraganza up on the internets, and found a trove of wow-inducing (if somewhat disturbing) pickin's. First off there's the tagline:
7 Magic Masters Made You Feel The WOW Once In Your LIFE (I guess having sex, falling in love, etc don't actually produce WOW for most people; kind of sad actually...)
And the 7 Masters each have their own uniquely worded story as well. A few selections from the program guide:
Escape from Reality; He’s cool. She’s even cooler. The two meet in the magic arena. Only one can be the winner. So guess what’s next. (Death by... cooling?)
Story of High Heel; A magician with a heart full of love. A pair of high heels. A romantic story is about to begin. (I really hope this isn't a shoe fetish thing...)
"He" is in a Bar; This ‘guy’ in the Magic Bar – what will he serve up next? (I really don't know what to do with this one. Is 'he' a she? Does that magically influence his/her bartending somehow?)
And the best of the bunch - Moments with Mr. Magic; Mr. Magic would WOW you with the Wondrous World of Wonders. (A whole new take on www...)
The site also provided some choice bio information on our WOW-ists. I had no idea Magic had so many championships, certificates, and awards. Here are just a few:
...awarded twice in the World Magic Championship, aka FISM, and has a Master’s Degree in the F.F.F.F. Original Close-up Magic Convention USA...
...the first Japanese to win the Magic Manipulation World Championship in World Magic Championship, aka FISM, and the Golden Lion Award in Las Vegas...
and finally Mr. Magic's CV: He is the only complete conjurer in Hong Kong... the only magician in Asia held AIMC Silver Star membership of the British Magic Circle and the only Hong Kong magician featured in Hollywood Magic Castle in the US... has a Bachelor Degree in the Fechter’s Finger Flicking Frolic Original Close-up Magic Convention...
Both the magic circle and the magic castle? But - but how? Ahh yes, magic. And yes thats 'Fechter’s Finger Flicking Frolic'. Think about that for a second. OK that's enough...
I later looked this extraganza up on the internets, and found a trove of wow-inducing (if somewhat disturbing) pickin's. First off there's the tagline:
7 Magic Masters Made You Feel The WOW Once In Your LIFE (I guess having sex, falling in love, etc don't actually produce WOW for most people; kind of sad actually...)
And the 7 Masters each have their own uniquely worded story as well. A few selections from the program guide:
Escape from Reality; He’s cool. She’s even cooler. The two meet in the magic arena. Only one can be the winner. So guess what’s next. (Death by... cooling?)
Story of High Heel; A magician with a heart full of love. A pair of high heels. A romantic story is about to begin. (I really hope this isn't a shoe fetish thing...)
"He" is in a Bar; This ‘guy’ in the Magic Bar – what will he serve up next? (I really don't know what to do with this one. Is 'he' a she? Does that magically influence his/her bartending somehow?)
And the best of the bunch - Moments with Mr. Magic; Mr. Magic would WOW you with the Wondrous World of Wonders. (A whole new take on www...)
The site also provided some choice bio information on our WOW-ists. I had no idea Magic had so many championships, certificates, and awards. Here are just a few:
...awarded twice in the World Magic Championship, aka FISM, and has a Master’s Degree in the F.F.F.F. Original Close-up Magic Convention USA...
...the first Japanese to win the Magic Manipulation World Championship in World Magic Championship, aka FISM, and the Golden Lion Award in Las Vegas...
and finally Mr. Magic's CV: He is the only complete conjurer in Hong Kong... the only magician in Asia held AIMC Silver Star membership of the British Magic Circle and the only Hong Kong magician featured in Hollywood Magic Castle in the US... has a Bachelor Degree in the Fechter’s Finger Flicking Frolic Original Close-up Magic Convention...
Both the magic circle and the magic castle? But - but how? Ahh yes, magic. And yes thats 'Fechter’s Finger Flicking Frolic'. Think about that for a second. OK that's enough...
You & Me Ghost Wedding
05/03/10 06:45
You may have seen these insufferable (and insanely
expensive) porcelain figures. Apparently they are a
US franchise, though I've only seen them in asia.
Anyway the basic premise is sad-puppy eyed toddler
combined with hallmark card schlock (note the heart
carved into the tree stump - which can be customized
I'm told). They have several outlets in high-end
malls here, allowing older customers an option beyond
anime, hello kitty and pokemon merchandise.
Anyway I stumbled upon this rather disturbing pair while looking for shoes for my daughters - two 'life sized' wedding dolls, which (I'm guessing) are intended to look like old photographs. Unfortunately they look far more like zombies or ghosts, emanating crushing despair and colorless melancholy; the effect is even further magnified by the groom's sad hand wave and bride's faded bouquet. Not exactly the vibe you want establish for your marriage - trapped in an eternity of bottomless despair, mournfully gazing out of your glass prison at all those happy technicolor lives...
Anyway I stumbled upon this rather disturbing pair while looking for shoes for my daughters - two 'life sized' wedding dolls, which (I'm guessing) are intended to look like old photographs. Unfortunately they look far more like zombies or ghosts, emanating crushing despair and colorless melancholy; the effect is even further magnified by the groom's sad hand wave and bride's faded bouquet. Not exactly the vibe you want establish for your marriage - trapped in an eternity of bottomless despair, mournfully gazing out of your glass prison at all those happy technicolor lives...
Satan Claus
09/01/10 08:52
Thanks to my friend Mark for sending this one over.
Seems Satan was busy during xmas as well, assuming a
passable 'saint nick' disguise and hiring himself out
for the holiday kiddy circuit (no doubt trying to
snag a few children's souls with his 'gift' of
eternal toys - in hell!) Looks like he's shaking a
bit - perhaps he's struggling to keep his devil body
from bursting through. More likely he's been hitting
the spiked eggnog a little too hard (he is
making that universal 'drinking' motion), getting
some 'liquid courage' under his belt before the
'sitting on santa's lap' portion of the party starts.
Seems even he gets nervous about dealing
with droves of demanding, bratty kids...