A music/movie outlet in TST; the name pretty much says it all. There are tons of DVD places like this here, all suspiciously similar, though this one really is quite cheap (maybe not such a bad name after all). They have the all usual cantopop available - note the 'Love Mi' poster (more on her later), as well as the latest hong kong martial arts blockbuster 'bodyguards and assassins' (make up your minds gentlemen, you can't be both). Ironically that DVD is outrageously overpriced....

Tags: super english force, snide, chinglish, oddity

The airport bar at the new airport in Guilin China. Seems they're hoping to cater to a... burgeoning Irish population? Unfortunately they have a few of the specifics wrong; generally shamrocks are not purple, and generally Irishmen don't eat rice noodles. They do have Guinness however, which easily counterbalances these minor points. Actually having Guinness counterbalances the just about everything...

Tags: super english force, oddity

A toy from Guilin. Usually the mainland toy knock-offs try to get close to the copied product (enough for allusion if nothing else), but I suppose these guys aren't taking any chances with infringement. So rather than go for Transformingers or Optimum Primus Trucker, they've decided to go with the baffling moniker 'Variety King Kong'. If nothing else they're sure to throw the lawyers off the scent with this one...

Tags: super english force, chinglish, oddity

Two clothing outlets in Yangshou - the bitter rivals Dancing Wolves and Septwolves. Not sure if september wolves is a reference to some uprising or revolution, or an obscure Chinese folktale. Nasty looking wolf though (doesn't look good on a polo shirt) in marked contrast to the suave film noir icon for 'dancing'. I'm guessing dancing wolves is more for sweetly dangerous ladykillers, ready to sweep a dame off her feet with some hard-nosed, soft-hearted detective work, while septwolves goes for the aggressive 'hunting in packs' type, usually seen at sports bars or a Hooters happy hour, howling for more chicken wings and twofer pitchers, making endless boorish passes at the long suffering waitresses. You don't want to be on the streets when a pack of septwolves stumbles upon some dancing wolves; the dancers swinging in to deliver some ironic oneliners and solid uppercuts, the septwolves gangtackling, spewing sports analogies and Schwarzenegger quotes...

Tags: fashion, snide, satire

A new store in Yangshuo, home of those iconic jungle-covered, mist shrouded outcroppings you always see in Chinese paintings (and yes they really do look that way). Maybe it just me, but this up-and-coming Chinese brand bears more than a passing resemblance to adidas. Hmmm... its almost like they took a chunk of the logo and turned it 90 degrees, and used an identical font. Or perhaps a young entrepeneur named Adi Vonsler (or Vonsler Adi to use the asian convention) decided to follow his passion, just like a young german named Adi Dassler. Coincedence? Harmonic convergence? Or blatant copyright violation? You decide...

Tags: fashion, super english force, snide

From a diet supplement package here in HK. The good people at 'slim partner' have hit upon an exciting slimming aid - 'natural functional body fluid'. Unfortunately the closely related term 'bodily fluids' carries rather negative connotations in the US, usually something from a crime scene or unseemly sex act. It is 'natural' and 'functional' though, so thats good(?). Perhaps its best that the ingredients are listed in Chinese...

Tags: super english force, oddity, dark side of HK

A poster for 'Dream Wedding - Leon Live in Macao 2010'. Leon is a cantopop (HK's own brand of sickly sweet pop/R&B) uberlegend. From his website promo:
Lai first broke in to the Asian entertainment scene as the second runner-up in the 1986 New Talent Singing Awards. A record contract followed, as did fame when his debut album 1990s Meet the Rain went gold. Success followed with a series of chart-topping releases among them the award-winning single Not One Day I Dont Think of You... Lai was later crowned one of the 'Four Heavenly Kings of Canto-pop'...
Seems he's tired of ruling heaven (or a quarter of it at least), and is back on the comeback trail; he's decided to usher in 2010 with a 'dream wedding' tour. Unfortunately Leon's dreams appear to involve razors, disembodied female body parts (bleeding paint all over everything, even on his otherwise immaculate tux). Other highlights include flights of fighter jets and WWII bombers, ferris wheels, headless poledancers, and a truly disturbing female torso equiped with a camera simulating male genitalia. Yow. Don't know what to do with that one. Anyway I think I'll stick to tamer fare, like a Heironymous Bosch painting, or maybe one of those quaint Saw movies...

Tags: oddity, satire, snide

An ad from one of the soccer sites I occasionally peruse. Seems for a mere $USD 69.95 you can get the '#1 personal protection body armour for the world cup 2010'. Nothing says 'sit back and relax' quite like the constant chafing presence of a bulky kevlar vest. You'll soon forget you're wearing it! No doubt you'll also soon forget to look behind you every 2.4 seconds for possible kidnappers, or check everyone's hands within 150 sq meters, or triangulating sniper positions, or vaguely bulging bags, or those suspicious (and admittedly damned annoying) plastic trumpets, or half drunk cups of beer placed 'accidentally' beside you.. just relax and enjoy the game!

Tags: fashionique, oddity

An American web ad promoting the arts. I'm all for increasing exposure and arts education in the US (which in general is woefully underfunded etc) but 'raisin brahms'? Not going to resonate with the kinder I'm afraid. This smacks of 'seemed like a good idea at the time' brainstorming. Maybe the boss came up with this 'clever' pun, and no one could countermand them; then again 'feed your kids the Arts!" isn't exactly lighting up the sky either...

Tags: super english force, oddity

While browsing the local Toys 'R Us, I happened upon the interestingly named iFairy ('graceful and efficient', with 'super wide infrared control' no less - certainly sounds impressive). Seems they're jumping on the "i - clever product name" bandwagon a bit late. Unfortunately doesn't really look like a fairy, and definitely not a cyber-enchanced i-pixie. One would expect futuristic metallic wings, or at least a USB connector...



Also upon closer inspection, I noticed it looks suspiciously like the iBird a few boxes down. Hmmm. Now a cynic would say that the iFairy is just the iBird with 'fairy' coloring and pink packaging. A cynic mind you...

Tags: super english force, oddity

A small 'hallway' store in Causeway Bay. Interesting name, but judging by the empty hooks, I guess they didn't have much style yesterday either...

Tags: fashionique, oddity, snide

A game in the local Toys 'R Us - Mind Attack Spider Game. Not sure how you play exactly, but apparently if you hit the spider robot with your infrared laser, it 'screams and falls'. Not for the faint of heart. One can only imagine the chronic nightmares visited upon some unfortunate, overly imaginative seven year old: trapped in the middle of a sprawling spider's web; assaulted by endless waves of demonic cyborg arachnids (who scream in unearthly rage when you do manage to hit one of them); but they're just too many of them, and the nicad batteries in your tiny infrared laster pistol are running low... Perhaps 'Mind F*ck' would be better.

Tags: super english force, oddity

A nice little gem I caught on the ESPN(?) sports page; a breaking banner headline concerning American baseball. Seems the St. Louis Cardinals have agreed to a seven-year, $120 million (USD) deal with... the St. Louis Cardinals. This according to consummate insider John Heyman (just the kind of info only a seasoned, well-connected reporter like him could unearth). A truly stunning development. Apparently a Mr. Holliday will also get a 'full no-trade clause' thrown in. I assume the Cardinals have also agreed in principle not to trade... the Cardinals?

Tags: super english force, snide, oddity

A pair of socks for sale at a stall in North Point. I hope this one is intentional, as its pretty cheeky (as sock names go anyway). Of course thats assuming you know what 'hootchie cootchie' means; in the US at least its dated slang for having sex, originally the name of a ribald faux belly dance craze in the late 1800s. Anyway it seems the good people at Wai Shun Socks Knitting Factory (Ltd) want you to have said sex with your socks on, which would obviously be great for business. According to their sales blurb online, these socks are 'ladies computerised patterned... unique designed socks with smooth and soft feeling... easy to match with various dress code'. I guess if your dress code consists of just socks, then yes they do match rather well...

Tags: super english force, fashionique, oddity

A somber billboard for PageOne (arguably the best english-language bookstore in HK). Read every day - Even if you read books every day, you'll still never finish reading all the books in the world - but do make it a ritual. What's the point here exactly? Of course you'd never finish all the books in the world; this sounds more like don't bother, or what the hell, stave off the inevitable. I could understand a do not go gently into that good night inspirational tone, or even so read what you love vibe, but this makes it all sound rather overwhelming and pointless, like do brush your teeth, even though they'll all decay and rot out of your head regardless...



It reminds me of those death countdown clocks that used to pop up in airline catalogues, usually in 'the sharper image' or similar executive toy section. They would digitally display your statistical time of death as a 'reminder' to get things done. Or to not bother...

Tags: super english force, oddity

PIzza Hut's latest mutant pizza idea - seems cheese injected into a hollow tube crust wasn't pushing the envelope far enough. Now we have StarzBites! I haven't seen one of these abominations in person, but apparently its a crust with 18 individual 'bites' attached like spokes, each stuffed with a 2-tone cheese stick (note the z-shaped flourish on top - nice touch - very starzy). The actual pizza is topped with scallops, peaches, pineapple, 'embedded' sausage slices, 'intertwining' mozzarella and cheddar cheeses, and 'innovative' miracle island sauce (thousand island dressing being a common alternative to tomato sauce here in HK and in Japan). Hell who wouldn't want to partake of such a multi-faceted, multi-dimensional treat, if only to be a part of history? I'm feeling more starzy just by looking at it. As for the name, what else are you going to call it? Spokeybites? Sporez?

Tags: food, oddity, super english force

From the Kota Kinabalu tourist map. Borneo is known for its orangutans and headhunters, but its the world famous 'lifestyle hypermalls' that really pack in the tourists. And this is the largest of them all, dwarfing the other 58 in the province. These hypermalls exist in at least 8 extra dimensions, allowing innocuous looking complexes like this to hold over 38,000 stores...

Tags: fashionique, super english force, snide

Thanks to my friend Mark for sending this one over. Seems Satan was busy during xmas as well, assuming a passable 'saint nick' disguise and hiring himself out for the holiday kiddy circuit (no doubt trying to snag a few children's souls with his 'gift' of eternal toys - in hell!) Looks like he's shaking a bit - perhaps he's struggling to keep his devil body from bursting through. More likely he's been hitting the spiked eggnog a little too hard (he is making that universal 'drinking' motion), getting some 'liquid courage' under his belt before the 'sitting on santa's lap' portion of the party starts. Seems even he gets nervous about dealing with droves of demanding, bratty kids...

Tags: super english force, disturbing mascots

If you've ever wondered where the place is - the original location that spawned the now time-worn expression - well now you have your answer. Apparently its been in a strip mall in Malaysia all this time. Who knew? Its also an 'overtime cafe & lounge', so if you've just pulled an extra shift at work, just swing by Borneo for a quick bite or pick me up...

Tags: super english force, oddity, food

A window poster from the Head Shop 2, a salon I've posted on before. Seems now they're offering would-be snipers a chance to take out a pesky special forces kitty with a head shot. He's apparently infiltrated their 'shine' product line, and is taking cover behind the 'silk fusion' conditioner. I like the little helmet, but the cat-sized M1 automatic rifle really kicks this up a notch. He may be good, but as you can see by the tracking crosshairs, his counterinsurgency days are numbered...

Tags: super english force, oddity, bizarre

This is a 3D puzzle(?) sold in Wanchai. A bit hard to read, but its officially 'revolving pavilion, palace of westminster. I was unaware that Westminster Palace had a revolving pavilion; must be for the Queen's private use. I googled it later, and its actually from Poland; and here I thought this was another case of a Chinese marketing guy ginning up more nonsensical (but impressive sounding) English combinations. My apologies to the many Chinese marketing guys who peruse this site. Love the crowned 'R' and full moon, though...

Tags: super english force, oddity, bizarre

My wife spotted this sign outside the Kota Kinabalu Airport in Borneo. Why a funeral parlor would need a 24 hour hotline is beyond me; perhaps its better not to ask...

Tags: super english force

An appropriate first posting for 2010; from a bag in a fashion outlet in Wanchai. With global warming worsening (and conservative 'deniers' helping it along) the world needs protection more than ever, and its upgraded its private security force with some ex-Navy Seals armed to the teeth (adding some much needed firepower to its usual security detail - doves, flowers and dragonflies). I love the bizarre inclusion of art nouveau scrollwork; really brings the image together. Honestly the first time I've seen 'the Earth' actually refer to itself as a man, but maybe with the new year it's decided to go with a phrase that will resonate more with its old boy network adversaries - "That's MISTER Earth to you, a**hole!"

Tags: super english force, snide

The primary decoration for a mall in Kennedy Town. Im not really surprised Spongebob Squarepants has reached this level of product saturation etc, but it was a bit odd to see a thirty foot version of him hanging in the atrium. Also 'Happy Spongey Christmas' has a rather disconcerting ring to it, like happy moldy xmas, or happy pond bottom holidays! (oh the joy of sinking ones toes into pond bottom scum)..

Tags: super english force, oddity

The stairs leading to a new cafe in the GOD ('Goods Of Desire' - more on this in another post) store in Causeway Bay. Love the line - coffee should be black as hell, strong as death (anyone who knows me personally is aware of my penchant for strong joe - 'chewable coffee' as I call it). Definitely the kind gritty urban cafe I'd like to visit. But then they totally ruin the effect the next step up - be a coffee drinking individual - espresso yourself! It seems the copywriter was worried that he'd gone too far with strong as death etc. and then wildly overcompensated; espresso yourself! seems better suited for a coffee, potpourri, & scrapbooking shop in Indiana, specializing in delightful 'flavored coffees' like Hazelnutty...

Tags: food, beverages, super english force

A sign for a spa/salon in TST named AnthonG (?). Seems they now have access to the latest in sentient body part upgrade technology. This allows them to replace the uncaring flab currently occupying your midriff with flat belly H/W8 (which is copyrighted apparently), capable of independent thought and higher level emotions like compassion. The mind boggles at what other body parts they can switch out; A/E7, the left calf with the knack for timely compliments; or S/T66, the right pectoral who understands, really understands what you're going through right now...

Tags: super english force, bizarre

A store window t-shirt from Wanchai - easily one of the oddest I've come across. Usually these have odd mishmashes of athletic and/or sexual phrases, but this one seemed too good to be true. I dutifully googled it later, expecting to find a takeoff of some hipster brand like 'helmet of the will' in NYC; instead I came across this wikipedia entry:
The Ethereal Mirror is the second full-length album by British doom metal band Cathedral. Released in 1993, this album sees the band experiment a wider scale of sound than on their debut album Forest of Equilibrium. The songs are not as doom-laden and grinding as on the first album... 'Violet Vortex' is the intro...
WOW. Who would have suspected that knockoff t-shirt designers were ripping off obscure death metal bands? Though I have to admit The Ethereal Mirror Violet Vortex would be a great electronica or triphop band name...

Tags: super english force, oddity

A poster for 'celebrity skincare secrets' at one of the myriad beauty centers in HK. There are literally hundreds of anti-aging and skin whitening facilities here, but only this one offers the 'famous hollywood socialite epicuren' effect. All the secrets that made Barbara Streisand's skin the envy of the socialite world are now yours to discover... Unfortunately the proprietor 'borrowed' some pretty unflattering shots of several tinseltown beauties; note the shiny and/or ruddy complexions and the rather melancholy Jennifer Anniston. Still the most troubling is the inclusion of Michael Jackson - the only 'male' in the bunch. I suppose you could end up looking 'famous' alright, but probably not for the reasons you intended...

Tags: super english force

Lane Crawford's latest tagline - shop until you pop! It truly is... Poptastic. What other word can capture such magic? Guess 'shop til you explode' was taken. I pity the poor souls who actually constructed the mylar balloon letters - a lot of work for very little return it seems. I also pity whoever gets to clean up the mess when the tai tais do pop while shopping - good thing lane crawford has marble floors, as you can never really get blood stains out of deep pile carpets...

Tags: cosmo, oddity

A poster for an upcoming HK play, a wacky sendup full of 'accidental' physical contact, embarrassed stuttering, and genial computer geekery. The protagonists apparently include 'Rosa the steamy hot secretary' and 'Tyson the perpetually stunned accountant'. Checkout the madcap shenanigans below - Rosa crossing her legs just as Tyson reaches for her knee. How deliciously ribald - just like the real Microsoft Office!



Note the 'explorer pointer hand' and subtly redesigned logo, complete with 'pinching' hands and tiny male/female symbols. Hey, that looks just like the real office logo! Suffice to say the play's title won't be helping to dispel that nasty stereotype about asian males, as it brings to mind the (now ancient) joke about Microsoft being named after BIll Gates' genitalia...

Tags: super english force, oddity, snide

A helpful (if rather troubling) cautionary sign at the South Horizons mall in Ap Lei Chau. Honestly what other kinds of escalators are there? Horizontal/vertical? In/Out? Perhaps its best to just take the stairs...

Tags: super english force

A bus stop ad for Hotcha's latest album, Shall We Shall We Dance Love. Interesting band name too; the term 'hotcha' was big about what, 70 years ago? Why not call yourselves 'flapper', or 'charleston'? Anyway the titles etc are pretty tame by HK standards; its the list of names at the lower right that got my attention. Seems we have Crystal, Winkie, and Regen, Cheeky Girls all. Perhaps they are all rather cheeky individually, but collectively form a singularity of pure Cheeky Girl energy, ready to be unleashed in a veritable Dance Love explosion. Shall we shall we? Oh yes, we shall...

Tags: fashionique, snide

A blurb on a local HK tissue brand's packaging. I love the phrasing; why not "we could be in error, but we are relatively confident that this could indeed be the spongiest." Definitely top three...



They also have a product that purports to (possibly) be the 'thriftiest'. Can paper towels be thrifty? I suppose it sounds better than 'stingiest'...

Tags: super english force, snide

This is the google translator's attempt at deciphering a Chinese web article about 'planet of the liang mo', banana baby etc. I felt it worth including here in its entirety. Its a bit hard to muddle through at times, but well worth the effort. Enjoy.

Zhan Sir In addition to continuing cooperation with the four disciples, on the stage put a big smile shells, the publicity materials will be the embodiment of the upper mouth Liang Cheng 5 Die (LoBalla Beauty Lotion Bona, Cheapy Queeny He cheaper, Banana Baby coke often, Juicy Yummy plump mound and Hallow Kitty wearing according to grade), he would live to teach a whole module Jing Gong Lue : Big Breasts, Tong Yan / vest, hot pants / ice-cream, toothpaste, skin care cream / swimwear, sleepwear, Ultra-Deep V / bananas, milk, suck fingers / innocence, ignorance, pretending to cutie / low-level position, E CUP chest, so that those interested to join a generous mouth die Liang Ai-year Youth learn this upper nirvana...

I Liang Mo modules are descendants of ape-man mutation, a large number of cosmetic effects, and III-class photography posture, so that a successful invasion of the Earth's population Liang die. Whether Hong Kong Hong Kong men and women are unable to get rid of mold mouth Liang, Liang die last are reduced to a slave port. What Train Man can once again regain the rule of the earth right?

Tags: super english force, bizarre

Promotional copy from our friends at Windsor Place (again). This is one of those odd little blurbs that adorn temporary construction partitions, and as such I wonder if anyone else has actually read it - surely not the guy who wrote it. HK is ablaze with signs like these, that appear to be composed by ancient software that randomly assembles similar words, like 'desire' and 'exquisite', into fancy sounding chains. These are then slapped up without the benefit of having a fluent speaker proof them for obvious errors or bizarre meanings. I actually thought about starting a firm to proofread stuff like this, assuming that anyone who put the time (and money) into such signage wouldn't want to look silly to english speaking clientele; but several locals pointed out that the english blurbs aren't for the native speakers, but for mainlanders and locals. Dress up anything with impressive sounding english words and it seems more 'classy'. Still these are more sublime than most:

May the fond for shopping be appeased in here by the freshness
Now is the time for a new reign in town...
Come upon your feet to excite your shopping spree...
Majestic piece of shopping heaven, beautiful exquisite renova(tion?)
Here we are. Never stops the shopping!




And finally this blurb nearby - We strive for an exquisite growth, and let your shopping desire flow... let's touch and go.... oh yes, lets.

Tags: super english force, snide

A public service(?) poster for eating healthier via the 'eatsmart restaurant' program. Apparently eating healthier starts with giving customers access to silverware, or at least cutting their chicken into manageable portions, thus saving desperately hungry (and time-constrained) businessmen the arduous hassle of rending their own chickens by hand...

Tags: funny, oddity

A web ad from CNN's sports page, which reminds us that Asia hardly has a monopoly on bizarrely named products (and unintentional sexual innuendo). The name 'anytizers' is ridiculous enough for inclusion here, but 'meaty good man food?' And it looks much more like dog food than 'man food'; I love how they are literally tumbling of the plate, a veritable cornucopia of pre-chewed meatballs (which I assume - as a Tyson product - taste vaguely chicken-ish). Definitely on a par with the 'beefy cheesy glory' McDonald's billboard posted a few months back. Maybe its the same ad agency...

Tags: super english force, oddity, snide

A bus-side ad for the Creation Dance Academy, headed by the dynamic - and excitingly coiffed! - Kenji





Actually the name is rather tame by HK standards, but as a graphic designer I am blessed/cursed with noticing logos far more than most people. I have to say this is one of the worst I've ever come across; I love the tango couple's oddly morphed bodies, but the head-exploding magic emanating from the woman's swooping hand really takes it up a notch. I'm guessing Kenji commissioned this logo to represent the dramatic demise of CDA's founder; his dance partner had generated so much passion that as she swept her hand up to touch his trembling cheek, it accidently arced and ignited his hair spray (producing a fabulous if tragic finale to an otherwise magical dance creation).

Tags: super english force, snide

While waiting for my web provider to recover my (now lost) old files, I stumbled on a few pictures from our first month or so here. This is from a now-defunct store near Harbour City. Pretty much speaks for itself - "Bags! Shouts of Bags!" Don't know if that should be said with an excited carnival shout, or like a despairing anchor reporting live outside a raging boutique fire." ..Now we're hearing shouts of 'bags! bags!' All those reasonably priced yet edgy purses going up in flames... Oh the horror!"

Tags: super english force, fashionique

A few more brand names for the eagerly awaited mall in Causeway Bay. I was struck by 'L'Homos' - that does mean 'the homos' in french, correct? Nothing wrong with a gay-only brand of course, but a hard sell as a t-shirt moniker for straight men, even metrosexuals. I was also taken by the flow (alliteration?) of the three names combined - l'homo johnbull tabloid news - interesting ring to it. Of course 'tabloid news' doesn't exactly scream 'quality' either...

Tags: fashionique, super english force

These are a few of the more memorable knock-off brands slated to grace a refurbished mall in Causeway Bay; "Democracy of Nevermind" is my personal favorite. Several are actually well-executed logos, but utterly nonsensical, such as "Trunk Ltd.- A Moment in Time". What the hell is that supposed to mean? And of course there's "Barak" - no doubt inspired by our - inspirational(!) president, though you'd think they'd at least get the spelling right. I actually like the juxtaposition of "1% Barak" too; now that would make an interesting brand name. Like to see the tagline -"When it comes to Barak, all you need is 1%"...

Tags: super english force, snide, oddity

This is an ad for a lingerie store across from Times Square in Causway Bay. Despite its obvious eye-catching qualities, I'm mystified by the tagline: who is she supposed to be talking to exactly? Other women? As in: Your bra sucks, though I'm not wearing one, but if I was it would make you feel even more inadequate, soooo... you'd better get in here and buy a bra! What should be a woman's reply be? No your bra sucks, or no your thong sucks, it isn't very... pragmatic, and would show terribly under a skirt...

Or to men: your bra sucks, though you obviously don't wear bras (at least most of you don't), but you aren't looking at the tagline anyway, hell it could say 'lunchmeat one dollar' and you'd still stare at me, especially considering my 'come hither' look and rather subtle lack of clothing. How about 'tell your wife/girlfriend that her bra sucks, and point to this handy billboard to illustrate your point'! That should go over well...

Tags: super english force

I rarely get a chance to get shots of English butchering t-shirts here, either because I didn't get a chance to ask (and don't want to be a hypocrite) or because the shop employees become mortified or rather brusque when I ask to take a picture of the merchandise. So I considered myself lucky whenever even a minor gem like this gets displayed prominently in a window. The moniker 'golfing tigers' is (just) enough for inclusion, but the actual mascot, complete with madcap knock-kneed stroke and disturbingly glazed over eyes, is intriguing. Has he been hypnotized for madcap comic effect, dressed like a theme park safari guide, tehn cajoled into swinging a titanium driver dangerously about? What happens if the tiger wakes up? Does he maul his defenseless tax attorney partner? Or the mid-level cadres playing through Mission Hills like they own the place? Now that would make a great t-shirt...

Tags: super english force

From the packaging of a set of kiddie stickers given to my youngest daughter. Unfortunately a bit hard to read here, but it says "we have hopes because we have love" under the big "Sticker" label. While dressing up products with nonsensical English phrasing is quite typical in Asia, few if any offer such stirring musings as this. Yes, sometimes its the little things that remind you of what's truly important in life, things like hopes, love, and stickers...

Makes for a great mantra too - we have hopes because we have love, and we have love because we have sticker, and we have sticker because we have hopes, and...

.

Tags: super english force, snide, chinglish

A billboard in Causeway Bay for an English tutoring service. Yes, her BBC accent is flawless, her knowledge of subtle class differences (and cricket scoring) impressive, even a newfound taste for bangers and mash. But at the cost of a hideously disfigured tongue...

Tags: super english force, oddity

A storefront in Kowloon near the Science Museum. Unfortunately Trendyland was closed when we happened by, so I don't know what exciting new brands etc are available here. Judging by their sign I'm thinking they are actually a decade (if not more) behind the latest hot trends, so no Lady Gaga or Wii consoles. But great deals on acid-washed jeans, Miami Vice pastel jackets, and Hootie and the Blowfish CDs - all at trendy prices of course.

Tags: super english force, snide

An older billboard in Mong Kok. Dare to enter the fabled lanyard kingdom, and stand before the mighty lanyard king himself, Lanyo IX. He greets all visitors with a welcoming 'lei' flowered lanyard, complete with an ID card to access your sumptuous guest chambers. He himself wears a magnificent gold lanyard, with but one tiny key - to his heart...

But beware, the lanyard kingdom is patented, so any attempt to start your own neck-accessory empire will meet with fierce resistance from Lanyo IX's crack legal team.

Tags: super english force, oddity, snide

Another Tokyo arcade game from last xmas. You can't read the name unfortunately, but this game is called "Prisoner of Love" in the upper right-hand corner. Maybe its from an old Japanese poem - my tears fall like drumbeats upon my video parlor taiko drums... maybe not.

Anyway I couldn't get this thing to work, and no one came up to play, so I don't know how you 'free your love', though I assume it's like dance dance revolution etc, and that you have to match the games cadence with your own drums. A good workout at least, and far safer than the Beeterro ride mentioned earlier. Unless the prisoner of love is Godzilla, and playing them just right unleashes him (again) on Tokyo. Never Osaka, always Tokyo.

Tags: super english force, oddity, snide

Another forgotten laptop image, this one a bus-side ad for "I Corrupt All Cops" a Hong Kong original movie. I just thought the name was hilarious to be honest, though I'm glad I looked it up - the title is a 'clever' play on the abbreviation “ICAC”, the Independent Commission Against Corruption, an infamous anti-corruption force set up in the '70s to clean up HK's notoriously corrupt police force.

The director, Wong Jing, is famous here for his over-the-top violence and shlock factor, and this movie apparently doesn't dissappoint. As per usual in these films, the characters have puzzling english names which have nothing to do the movie, like Gold (Wong Jing himself), Gale, a womanizing lieutenant, and a foul-mouthed detective suitably called Unicorn. Interesting how many foul mouthed cops have 'unicorn' as a nickname, considering that unicorns in the wild are actually renowned for their brutality...

Tags: super english force, snide

A restaurant/bar/refueling station near the famed Monterey Aquarium (which I highly recommend by the way). Unfortunately we were already committed to Mexican food, so I was unable to sample the (no doubt cleverly named) wares at Sly's. Also I did want to include a few American signs from our visit here, just to remind my loyal reader(s) that Hong Kong has serious competition for surreal names and preposterous advertising.

I was really hoping that this was a literary reference to a John Steinbeck character (author of Grapes of Wrath and local homegrown celebrity). Alas I looked it up on the internets, and there isn't a lovable conman/trickster named 'sly mcfly' anywhere; neither is there a token 'hip' black character in an '80s movie who exclaims 'nice goin' sly mcfly' as the achingly dorky but lovable protagonist trips and spills his entire lunch tray all over his beloved 'secret' cheerleader crush...

Tags: super english force, snide

A strangely named shop in Hanoi, and one of the few english-only signs in Hanoi. I couldn't decide if this was meant to have an aww shucks tone - 'aww you guys... find whatever you like, ya hear?' or have an on-the-verge-of tears ring to it: 'stop it you guys... ok fine... you go ahead and find whatever you like... see if I care... f*ckers.' Unfortunately we didn't get a chance to peruse the shelves, so who knows, maybe it goes back 500 metres and is crammed top-to-bottom with a mind-boggling array of quality merchandise, truly everything we'd ever need. Or not.

Tags: super english force, snide, funny, oddity

From a restaurant window in the Old Quarter of Hanoi. This has to rank as one of the most unappetizing (and ridiculous) food concepts I've ever come across. Honestly who would want their pizza this way? Weren't McPizza pockets bad enough? (Yes there was a 'McPizza' in the US decades ago, and yes it was as evil as it sounds). Anyway when did it become to challenging to eat pizza in the traditional 'slice' format? Has anyone ever bitterly complained about unwieldy slices, and fervently wished they could enjoy their pizza in a convenient concentrated cone? Needless to say my wife and I were both rather put off by the thought of getting halfway through one of these monstrosities, then hitting the thick knot of congealed cheese and pepperoni nuggets trapped at the center...

Tags: super english force, oddity

This is an outlet in TST near the Chatham Road. I assume they sell various ointments and bath products made from 'Dead Sea' salt, which supposedly has wondrous rejuvenating properties. Why this salt is superior to any other salt has never been explained to me, though the biblical references surely don't hurt sales.

For what its worth you can float in a foot or so of water there; I've actually done this in the Salt Lake in the US, and it is pretty wild, though the heat and the trillions of sandflies tend to dampen the fun fairly quickly. Anyway I was obviously taken by the sign - you can't be a sea of life and a dead sea simultaneously my friend; not a lot of gray area between the two...

Tags: super english force, chinglish, oddity, funny, snide

A poster for a 'Muscle Worker Dance Show' at the 'WHY' club in Causeway Bay(?). I guess the more well known 'Construction Worker Stripper Review' was already being staged by their bitter archrivals over at the 'WHAT' club.

I suppose a 'muscle worker show' wouldn't be that unusual a strip club in the US that occasionally caters to bachelorette parties (usually made up of tipsy secretaries and bitter divorcees). But these guys either have a brutally dry sense of humor (pretty doubtful) or they missed that newsflash about the Village People being gay fantasy icons. So it makes no sense to charge 'gents' $200 HKD at the door - hell they should pay straight guys $200 just to get them inside. Unless this is a gay club; but then why let ladies in free, or offer them unlimited free drinks? Why would gay men pay $200 for a chance to get straight women drunk? Maybe that's why they're called the WHY club - Why? Why the hell not?

Tags: super english force, snide, oddity, funny

This is a t-shirt adorning a weekend dad in Victoria Park (for what its worth he had no problem with my taking a picture - unfortunately the picture didn't turn out well, and his head got cut off by a jungle gym).

I looked up 'NTR' - apparently this bold new brand has yet to have its official roll out. But Abercrombie and Diesel beware - the Norse are coming to establish a trade route, and woe to any who dare oppose them. One would assume that Vikings would be more interested in raping and pillaging, though truth be told they did a whole lot more colonizing and founding kingdoms like 'Muscovy' (aka Moscow), but I digress. This is the 21st century after all, so global trade rules the day...

Tags: fashion, funny, chinglish, super english force

This is a cafe(?) in Causeway Bay. Unlike the House of Blues in Chicago, Small Potato doesn't offer big stars or blues legends (or pasteurized covers and overpriced drinks either), but your second home, a place to unwind with other unknowns and well, small potatoes. You can strip down to socks and underwear, play a few lazy games of go-fish, watch original 'Battlestar Galactica' reruns on the analog TV, or cheer on the newbie guitarist up on the makeshift corner stage as he butchers 'Mannish Boy'.

I'm assuming the zoot-suited potato is an allusion to jazz aficionados, but its frankly hard to tell. He does have a rather contented expression though, so maybe this would be a nice place to while away an afternoon...

Tags: humor, oddity, chinglish, funny

A hair salon in Ap Lei Chau. For Americans of a certain age the term 'head shop' usually refers to a store that sells pot smoking paraphenalia, or 'recreational tobacco water pipes', the 'legal' term for them. Honestly has anyone EVER smoked tobacco out of a bong?

Anyway the name was just enough to justify inclusion here, though the added 'II' piqued my interest - where is head shop I? Must be pretty impressive. Also I like the subtle hair follicle and the clinging pink bubbles. Head Shop I actually rinses out the shampoo - and then uses the pink water for 'recreational tobacco inhalation'.

Tags: humor, super english force, snide

This is a hair salon in Causeway Bay. Pretty tame compared to 'dragon beard icy crispy candy', but not the ideal choice if for someone selling coiffure expertise. Unless they specialize in the über-grunge anime hair so popular with the HK hipster set. I suppose I could wait outside for a bit and get a before/after shot: first the normal haired customer entering with, then exiting an hour later with full-on 'Robert Smith from the Cure as Manga hero...

Tags: super english force, language, chinglish

This is a from restaurant sign in Wanchai. Initially I was quite pleased with myself for stumbling on this, as its a truly inspired name for a signature dish. But alas 'typhoon shelter crab' is pretty common in HK; a style of cooking that originated with people living permanently in the typhoon shelters off the harbor. Still, it sounds pretty tempting, and its genuine, not like the 'typhoon shelter kangaroo steaks' next door...

This is a bowling equipment store across from the South China Athletic Association, home of one of the busiest bowling lanes in HK. Not for rank amateurs or mere pros, but 'very pro' level players only.

The bearded 'doctor' is unsettling though; he's got one ball pinned under a serious drilling machine, and he's looking for a heartbeat on another. I haven't seen much of the SAW movies, but for some reason this reminded me of them. Like the ball has its escape key lodged inside it, and can only get to it by using the drill on itself. Maybe its his opaque 3D sunglasses that unnerve me - though the beard is pretty odd too. I wonder if under the glasses he has - bowling ball holes! da da dum! (OK so it's not particularly scary for you, but for a bowling ball...)

The next installment in the AKIPA 'mutant english' collection: DJ Chimp Robo - Appear! Our hero has been called by the city with a 'bat signal', in his case the word Appear emblazoned in cheesy cursive above their rather lame skyline. Note the fighter escort though, which if nothing else gives you a great sense of scale. And of course we have the now classic fox sidekick - why do all DJ chimp robot heroes have a fox sidekick? Good question.

Looks like DJ Chimp Robo already has his battlebot ready for action, with fists raised and laser javelins(?) at the ready. I'm guessing he has some serious decks and potent loops queued up inside his DJ fishbowl; and check out those mad headphones. Let's get a sample of his hard hitting tracks, sure to strike fear in the heart of... well... whoever dares do battle with a robot commanding DJ chimp!

Ohohohoh - DJ Chimp Robo! - wiki wiki wiki - DDDDDJ chimp chimpity chimp - wiki wiki wiki - roboroborobo - app- app -appear- wiki wiki wiki - ROBO!

This is another t-shirt from AKIPA. I have to say this is one of the most surreal I've ever encountered. First off 'Money Man' is also a mummy (Mummy Man)? This is a either a bad mistranslation or a stunning play on words (well, it is for a knockoff t-shirt designer at least). I don't know what to make of the bright red slashes around his mouth - bloodstains? But more bizarre perhaps than the money/mummy synthesis is the backwards spelling of his name across his chest. This would read correctly in your rearview mirror, just like 'ECNALUBMA' for AMBULANCE. Soooo... he spends a a lot of time running in traffic?

So many unsettling questions. Why is he a mummy? Why are his hands green under the bandages? Do the bandages hold in his money, or is he made of money? Why is he wearing a trucker hat? My head hurts...

This is a t-shirt from AKIPA, a department store in Tai Koo Shing. They have a wide variety of 'faux english' clothing, but I only managed to get a few shots before I was approached by a rude plainclothes security guard. Having a Chinese store detective lecture me on copyright infringement truly made my day. I asked him where the sign that said photography is forbidden was, and he literally pointed at a blank section of wall and grunted 'there'. I thought at the time he was trying to keep me from stealing their precious language mutilations, but I realized later that he probably thought I was taking photos as evidence of their copyright violations. Oh well, I did get a few real doozies, like this one, which reads:

Skyhop: L.Bear Soda Imitation Flavor (I guess they couldn't get ahold of an authentic L. Bear, though they did get the colors right at least) - ! Attention - Please without melting it - Please do not throw out - Please do not get on - It is not a vehicle.

So you kids at home remember - do not to try to ride your Skyhop L. Bear ice cream pop under any circumstances.

This is sign for a hipster apparel line originating in Taiwan. I had some difficulty deciding whether to file this under 'fashionique' or 'super english force', but in the end had to go with verbiage over fashion. Initially I was only going to post this street sign, as the name 'choking edge' for - well, for anything really - is pure genius. I have no idea what the background texture is supposed to be; my best guess is tree bark. Choking, edges and bark don't seem to have much in common to me, but obviously I'm not hip, edgy or barky enough.



Then - out of morbid curiosity if nothing else - I checked out their website, and beheld this opening page.



Yow. Suffice it to say I felt it necessary to censor the image a wee bit, though I love the bold tag line - Want Me Sexy!! - not a question but a demand. I believe ZETETIC (the present in spirit) is their flagship brand, with shirts, hats and other fashionique items available. I was unable to decipher what 'ZETETIC' is an acronym for, though it certainly sounds choky and edgy. Unfortunately I couldn't navigate the site very well, but I did manage to see some of the other merchandise. My favorite is the 'I heart choking edge' assortment. Hell who doesn't?

I was going to refrain from another 'scatological' post for a while, but I stumbled on this restaurant sign in Mongkok and had to post it. Apparently they've hit upon the brilliant idea of selling their sumptuous sundaes, chili - yes chili - and other treats in custom dishes that resemble toilets, bidets and urinals. They've also been kind enough to include symbols for both men's and ladies rooms, though I don't know if that means women can't order something in the urinal.

Honestly this is the worst presentation for food I've ever seen, easily surpassing those 'gross out' kiddie products made to look like snot and other bodily fluids. Who could eat a soft ice cream or spaghetti bolognese out of a toilet and ignore the connotation? And for the love of all that's holy, what do they call their masterpieces? The mind boggles...

.

This is a hoodie worn by an unsuspecting mainlander near the Jade Market in Kowloon. Actually I'm just assuming she's from the mainland, as I can't imagine she knows what it says (or that her English speaking HK relatives would let her go out in it). I rarely take pictures of 'english butchering' t-shirts etc, but this one was simply too sublime to pass up. Unfortunately the photos didn't come out very well - It officially reads too ORANGEY for {PORN: I was especially taken by the addition of a bracket and colon, as if the phrase needed jazzed up any further.

Maybe she does know what it says after all, and just doesn't care. Or maybe she really is too orangey for porn.

This is on the menu of Pierces, the chicken outfit that replaced 'Alien Potato Chips' and 'Bamboo Icy-Crispy Dragon Beard Candy'. Let's hope they have more success than their predecessors. One would think that something can't be a 'ball' and a 'cubit' simultaneously, but its trademarked, so they must know something we don't. I wonder if they employ quantum physicists at Pierces.

These guys claim to be a US franchise, though I've never heard of them; must be based in the South. I can't imagine 'cubits' competing well against 'mcnuggets', but who knows. They also show some appetizing footage of chickens being defeathered, racked and processed on a video monitor next to the cubits. I don't think it's usually a good idea to show butchering etc to the customers, though Hong Konger cubit-eaters will probably appreciate footage of clean poultry processing facilities far more than their US counterparts.

I stumbled on this product at a local HK grocer. I think this one pretty much speaks for itself. (Apologies for the obvious scatological humor, but I couldn't resist posting it - or should I say the urge to post it? The small print reads 'secret recipe from USA for bowel openings and complexion benefiting', though its unclear if it benefits you or your... hmm. Well I suppose if anything needs comforting - OK OK thats enough; this is going down a path that - OK OK that's enough).

This was a very short-lived shop in Times Square, ironically located in the same booth that 'Bamboo Icy-Crispy Dragon Beard Candy' occupied. I guess the feng-shui here is particularly bad, because one would think that dragon beard candy or alien chips would be surefire moneymakers.

It seems the aliens hit upon a way of skewering and spiral-cutting a whole potato, then deep frying the whole magilla. If only we could utilize this alien technology for other fast foods, like a spiral cut chicken leg or pizza slice. I have to admit they actually looked pretty tasty, though I imagine you'd really regret it about halfway through, as you realize you're eating the equivalent of a jumbo bag of earth chips.

When you've got a nasty refrigerator odor on the metaphorical scale of a passenger jet, it's time to reach for Jumbo 747 Smell Killer. Note that it doesn't just mask the odor, it kills it, maybe by blowing out the door and catastrophically depressurizing the freezer. No oxygen masks for this unwanted passenger! I also like the rather mystifying inclusion of a rainbow in the packaging.

Of course if you have a smell the size of a C-130 or the new Airbus, well god help you son.

'

This is the proud entrance to a large pachinko parlor in downtown Kyoto. For those not familiar with it, pachinko is a surprisingly lo-tech japanese vertical pinball game, which seems to attract the same obsessive devotion as slot machines in Vegas - or Macau. There are a number of scatological jokes one could make about fiber helping 'pass' the pachinko balls through the slots etc, but that would be unseemly and crude...

This is from a bus ad in Wan Chai. There are quite a few English language schools in HK, but these guys seem to have the corner on the hipster/anime crowd. Not sure how you're supposed to pronounce 'K.OTen'... One can only hope that his smoldering eyes, playful smirk, and rakish goatee 'translate' into some truly awesome ESL power(!), and that he uses his super english powers for good...

This is a candy/snackfood outlet at HK airport. Doesn't look like much from the outside, but hidden below the deceptively drab exterior shelving lies an ancient metropolis brimming with exotic foodstuffs; entire plazas piled high with deep-fried golden lucre; a veritable El Dorado of sugary booty, sprawling below the unsuspecting masses above...

This is from a salon's door in Wan Chai. I have no idea how Uncle Sam is supposed to help Chi Chi Hair sell the $380 special to the locals, but as an expat Yank I was overcome by a sudden wave of patriotic zeal, and very nearly partook of the enigmatic 'digital perm' myself...

This is a small ice cream franchise here in HK - not very good honestly, but in their defense the portions truly are 'jumbo'. And the name 'snow of house' belies a zen-like understanding not only of snow-based dairy products but how we perceive and define such products, nay reality itself. They move beyond a simple 'snow house' or 'house of snow' to a snow composed of 'house', perhaps similar to the platonic ideal of 'statue' slumbering in each block of virgin marble - the house locked in each snowfall...

Bamboo Garden Icy-Crispy Dragon Beard Candy.
WOW. I have nothing to add...

This is a pair of socks for sale in the Little India neighborhood of Singapore. English-language mutilations are easy pickin's in Singapore and HK; in fact whole books of said butcherings have been amassed, usually by sardonic expats snickering at the natives (while they themselves are don't speak a word of Cantonese). Still, some are just too amazing to pass up, and this one merits special recognition. The socks also stand in stark counterpoint to 'Prince Charming', the bling wearing frog that shares the bin.

Who would wear 'be alcoholist frog' socks you ask? Perhaps a better question - who wouldn't? We are exhorted to not only 'wear' alcoholist frog socks, but to 'be alcoholist frogs'...that's heavy.