Super English Force
Elvis Whoppie Twist vs. Red Velvet Whoppie Pie
23/11/11 08:10
A new (and unfortunately hard to read) Starbucks
offering, the Elvis Whoppie Twist. Don’t
know if a ‘whoppie’ is a traditional British item,
but pairing Elvis with anything will surely kick it
up a notch, no? I assume the twist is a reference to
his famed hip gyrations? He didn’t sing ‘The Twist’
though, did he? I think that was Fats Domino.
Anyway, assuming they go for authenticity, it should be basketball-sized and feed 15+ people just like Elvis’ favorite sandwich, the infamous ‘Mile High Sandwich’ (officially called the ‘Fool's Gold Loaf’). For those of who unschooled in Elvis lore, this consists of a 4-pound loaf of hollowed-out buttered white bread filled with peanut butter, grape jelly, and burnt bacon. It is then deep-fried for good measure. It would serve 4-20 mortals - or one Elvis.
Of course if you’re looking for a more appropriately sized whoppie to tide you over, there’s always the Red Velvet Whoppie Pie (a remarkable name in its own right)...
Anyway, assuming they go for authenticity, it should be basketball-sized and feed 15+ people just like Elvis’ favorite sandwich, the infamous ‘Mile High Sandwich’ (officially called the ‘Fool's Gold Loaf’). For those of who unschooled in Elvis lore, this consists of a 4-pound loaf of hollowed-out buttered white bread filled with peanut butter, grape jelly, and burnt bacon. It is then deep-fried for good measure. It would serve 4-20 mortals - or one Elvis.
Of course if you’re looking for a more appropriately sized whoppie to tide you over, there’s always the Red Velvet Whoppie Pie (a remarkable name in its own right)...
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Ice Means Jewellery, Oream Means Cash
02/11/11 08:38
A hoodie for sale in Wanchai. Not sure what ‘oream’
is - I assume that’s supposed to be ‘cream’? Not that
that would make sense either. I had to snap this
photo rather hurriedly, as knock-off stores such as
this ironically don’t take kindly to people taking
pictures of their copyright violations. I’m assuming
this is supposed to be funny in a hip-hopster way?
Can’t say that I’m up on my hip hop phraseology, but
‘ice means jewellery, cream means cash’ certainly
sounds like your typical tepid faux gansta cliche.
Anyway the last line says ‘the two things which make the’. And that’s it. Make the what exactly? Make the native English speakers snicker? Or maybe I’m completely naive, and ice oream really does make the...
Anyway the last line says ‘the two things which make the’. And that’s it. Make the what exactly? Make the native English speakers snicker? Or maybe I’m completely naive, and ice oream really does make the...
Greatest Falafel On Earth - Best Gyro Ever!
27/10/11 09:04
In case you were wondering where the greatest falafel
on Earth resides, or the best gyro ever.
That means since the dawn of time, or gyros at least,
which is apparently a long time indeed, judging by
the featured Egyptian nobility.
Anyway turns out it’s not in Lebanon or Greece (or Egypt), but in a small side street cafe in Seattle. Who knew? Also who knew that the ancient Egyptians enjoyed falafel and gyros? Or baklava? So when in Seattle, just look for the kissin’ camels. And remember, that’s ‘Zaina’ for food, drinks, and friends... AND THE BEST GYRO EVER!
Anyway turns out it’s not in Lebanon or Greece (or Egypt), but in a small side street cafe in Seattle. Who knew? Also who knew that the ancient Egyptians enjoyed falafel and gyros? Or baklava? So when in Seattle, just look for the kissin’ camels. And remember, that’s ‘Zaina’ for food, drinks, and friends... AND THE BEST GYRO EVER!
1 Clip Attack # - No Pain No Game?!
21/10/11 07:11
A truly freakish ad for a jeans/fashion company.
Unless they extensively photoshopped this shot, those
really are clips all over his face. Which
leaves one to wonder: what the hell are they
thinking?! What has this got to do even remotely with
pants? Why would I want to buy jeans that remind me
of this? Is this what their jeans do to one’s
genitalia? I can categorically state this a game
nobody wants to play...
Put a Justice Wheel in Your Belly
18/10/11 08:09
A recent web ad that caught my eye. I’ve actually
become quite adept at not reading/paying attention to
these locale specific web ads. Of course I’m aided by
the fact that most of them are in Cantonese and thus
illegible to me. But the prospect of having a
‘justice wheel in my belly’ sounds quite compelling.
And they have the ‘answers’ to boot. No idea
what that means of course, but it sounds far more
empowering than being ‘Unisys Check Encoded’ or ‘SEBI
India Compliant’...
Only the Dead See the End
03/10/11 07:19
From a couture store called “Mr. Lolliporter” - more
on him in a later post. This is part of their
‘naively’ racist Red Indian line, but its stands
alone for sheer oddity. Only the Dead See the End
indeed. What does that mean exactly? The dead can
still see, or everyone will be dead when the end
comes, which is technically true, I suppose, it being
The End and all. Not like someone going to be around
to see the credits when the time/space continuum
winks out. Except perhaps the enigmatic Mr.
Lolliporter...
We Promise! We Will Take Care of Your Stomach!
16/09/11 15:03
A bizarre ad for the ‘Food Forum’ restaurants on the
top floors of Times Square in Causeway Bay. It seems
a slate of chefs is reassuring their throng of
devoted fans that they’ve got their backs, or rather
stomachs. Odd that the stadium is filled almost
entirely with Americans, but who knows, maybe this is
from the ‘Food Forum Chefs’ recent world tour. Of
course, we’ve heard such statements from the chefs
before, like when they promised to protect social
security and stop bank foreclosures. At least this in
one area they can claim expertise. Still, four master
chefs for a million people seems a stretch; one can
only hope that they’re adept at doubling, or rather
millioning their recipes...
Truffle Pig
13/09/11 07:41
A candy bar(?) for sale in HK. More proof that Asian
marketers don’t have a monopoly on poor branding.
Honestly who would want to buy this? The inference of
course is that you are either A) eating a truffled
pork candy bar, or B) you are a truffle pig. Even if
you like truffles, and know how they’re gathered
(highly prized pigs trained to smell out the
underground delicacy), this seems like a bad idea.
Nobody wants to think of themselves as a pig, period.
Or would be flattered by the comparision. Hey, how
about Hazelnut Swine? Now that would sell like
hotcakes. Or pigcakes...
Purrdon Me, Sir
06/09/11 15:33
A t-shirt for sale in Maine. This could be forgiven
in HK (almost) as the owner might not speak English
well enough to get the pun (a term I use here in the
technical sense only). But for a native speaker to
wear this, even ironically, is the stuff of
nightmares. That said, if you are going to have this
on your shirt, having it spoken by a debonaire cat
with a rakishly curled whisker mustache and sparkly
tophat is better than nothing... actually it’s not.
Gimp Rolls, Scoubidous & Boodogglers
30/08/11 19:02
I came across this potentially unsettling item in the
‘meeoowwch’ craft store. Not being an especially
scrapbooky person, the first thing that came to my
mind was the gimp from Pulp Fiction. Somehow I don’t
think that’s what the store had in mind...
Turns out there’s a bourgeoning underground of Gimpers, though calling them that may get me impaled by scrapbooking implements. Apparently they prefer to call themselves Boondogglers. Of course there’s another camp that refers to the art as Scoubidous. Sounds like a Harry Potter faction. Probably is one. Anyway I also wondered if the Boondogglers and Scoubidousers ever have craft-fair brawls, or travel in armed packs and pick off the occasional old or weakened apostate. Maybe they even have occasional defections to the ‘dark side’, and they knit up elaborate (and incredibly strong - this is plastic lace coated wire) restraining devices for their fallen sisters. Or not.
Turns out there’s a bourgeoning underground of Gimpers, though calling them that may get me impaled by scrapbooking implements. Apparently they prefer to call themselves Boondogglers. Of course there’s another camp that refers to the art as Scoubidous. Sounds like a Harry Potter faction. Probably is one. Anyway I also wondered if the Boondogglers and Scoubidousers ever have craft-fair brawls, or travel in armed packs and pick off the occasional old or weakened apostate. Maybe they even have occasional defections to the ‘dark side’, and they knit up elaborate (and incredibly strong - this is plastic lace coated wire) restraining devices for their fallen sisters. Or not.
Meeoowwch!
19/08/11 07:27
A get well card from a gift/scrapbooking/yarn shop in
Maine, which appears to have carried the same stock
since 1972. I was stopped dead in my tracks by the
plight of Mr. Fluffington however. Shouldn’t puns
this bad be illegal?
Regardless, it seems he’s had a bit of an run in with a car tire, though I’m sure with enough overindulgence and expensive medical care (no driving over the border to Canada for him - only the highest jacked-up US medical fees will do!) he’ll be purrfectly fine. Or is that pawfectly?
Which reminds me, why aren’t there cards like this that say meowtherf***er? Now that’s a card I would buy without hesitation. And my respect for the store that carried it would rise exponentially too.
I actually thought about buying this and sending it as a joke, but the thought of keeping a card around in case one of your friends gets sick was, well, sick. Also I don’t know that many people who could absorb such toxic levels of snark while still recuperating...
Regardless, it seems he’s had a bit of an run in with a car tire, though I’m sure with enough overindulgence and expensive medical care (no driving over the border to Canada for him - only the highest jacked-up US medical fees will do!) he’ll be purrfectly fine. Or is that pawfectly?
Which reminds me, why aren’t there cards like this that say meowtherf***er? Now that’s a card I would buy without hesitation. And my respect for the store that carried it would rise exponentially too.
I actually thought about buying this and sending it as a joke, but the thought of keeping a card around in case one of your friends gets sick was, well, sick. Also I don’t know that many people who could absorb such toxic levels of snark while still recuperating...
Long Hiatus & Thanks
07/08/11 07:36
Greetings - just a quick thank you to the tens of
readers who check in reliably, and a welcome to the
occasional surfer who stumbles in looking for
legitimate Hong Kong product and/or music reviews.
Also apologies for the long hiatus - we have just
returned from a long visit to the US, and I hope to
post some new stuff very soon. I also hope to upgrade
my cutting-edge blogware to update the page design,
and hopefully allow for implanted videos etc.
As always thanks for stopping by and tell your friends and enemies.
As always thanks for stopping by and tell your friends and enemies.
Snappy Joe the Jeepster
26/06/11 18:02
I recently found this shot from the Heritage Museum,
home of other toy legends like Mr Smash, the
Clockwork Walking Smash Martian and Col. ‘Hap’
Hazard.
Behold the infamous ‘Snappy Joe’ the Jeepster, who had his teeth replaced with a jagged set of steel fangs. Even added teeth to his jeep. Apparently he didn’t think his psychotic eyes were intimidating enough; perhaps he felt insecure being a jeepster around all those tanks. Of course Joe’s fellow troops gave him a wide berth regardless, especially when he went on wild joyrides around the base. He would often blow through intersections while waving a live grenade around (at least I think thats a grenade, or maybe its a pumpkin?). Somehow I don’t think Snappy adapted well to civilian life...
Behold the infamous ‘Snappy Joe’ the Jeepster, who had his teeth replaced with a jagged set of steel fangs. Even added teeth to his jeep. Apparently he didn’t think his psychotic eyes were intimidating enough; perhaps he felt insecure being a jeepster around all those tanks. Of course Joe’s fellow troops gave him a wide berth regardless, especially when he went on wild joyrides around the base. He would often blow through intersections while waving a live grenade around (at least I think thats a grenade, or maybe its a pumpkin?). Somehow I don’t think Snappy adapted well to civilian life...
beLIEve
24/06/11 12:33
A t-shirt for sale in SOGO. I honestly can’t decide
if this is a fashion/chinglish disaster or an example
of brilliant tongue-in-cheekiness. The jarring
disconnect between the unicorn/rainbow motif (which
would be worn unironically by your average
HongKonger) and the tagline beLIEve is truly
remarkable, especially by irony-blind HK standards.
If it is intentional, then my opinion of at least one
HK fashion designer has skyrocketed. If it
isn’t, then it’s still a priceless example
of unintentional, completely discombobulating irony
at its finest...
God Makes You Try Pop Pop Pizza
22/06/11 07:39
Looks like Pizza Hut has brought in the Big Man
himself to get his flock (or these rapturous HK
ladies at least) to partake of their latest
contraption pizza, the ‘Pop Pop’. Have to say it
would take divine intervention to get me to try this
abomination: sausage buds (with squirt bottle mayo),
garlic shrimp, hot dog chunks, pineapple, and what
appears to be twisty cheddar/mozzarella nuggets. Love
the enticing platters in the background showing the
various ingredients on cheeseboards with garnishes -
just like in a real Pizza Hut kitchen! Not sure where
the Popping occurs though. Perhaps its the sound of
your stomach wall rupturing as God forces you to eat
a monstrous slice of ‘pizza’ that weighs more than
you do...
Live a Sportive (& Healthy) Life
19/06/11 17:22
A very quick post - this was next to the bowl + bowl
cafe sign. Not much to say other than I am now
inspired to live more sportively, whatever that
means...
Hair Homer
12/06/11 07:25
A new(?) salon in Causeway Bay. Seems they spent a
great deal of time and effort on a name (and signage)
that makes absolutely no sense. It is memorable if
nothing else, and makes for a nifty double h logo.
And they’ve certainly chosen a grungy edgy font for
themselves, though again what that has to do with
either hair or homers is beyond me...
Desiccate the Spring
04/06/11 17:07
A dehumidifier ad from a few months ago. 90+%
humidity and its attendant mold etc are big problems
here in HK, and most people own at least one unit
like this, and several dozen absorbing containers
placed throughout their closets. So I think I can see
what they are trying to do here, but its yet another
case of too clever by half - we’ll use ‘desiccate; so
scientific and official sounding! Don’t see people
actually wanting to ‘desiccate the season’ and kill
off any emergent springtime plant life...
uMama Warms a Legendary Diva
25/05/11 16:35
The latest in massage/relaxation technology. HK is
rife with such gadgets, ranging from full-body
massage recliners (which retail for thousands US) to
small handheld gizmos, to more midrange contraptions
like this. The preposterous name itself warrants
inclusion here, but there’s much more here worth
commenting on. First off there’s the unique (and
luxuriously comfortable) design which allows it to
address the ‘neck, shoulder, back, and tummy’
simultaneously. Can’t say I ever needed a tummy
massage after a hard day, but it must be just what a
‘legendary diva’ needs to maintain her... legendary
diva-ness? I love the small control pad on the front
too, discreetly nestled in the brushed faux leather -
makes it look like the spacesuits from the more early
Star Trek movies. Have to say it reminds me of the
shoulder harness for a high end roller coaster more
than anything else though.
Still, who cares what it looks like when it got a name like ‘uMama Warm’. It begs for someone to exclaim in a suitable rapper or jersey accent - “Umama? I warmed umama last night!” etc etc...
Still, who cares what it looks like when it got a name like ‘uMama Warm’. It begs for someone to exclaim in a suitable rapper or jersey accent - “Umama? I warmed umama last night!” etc etc...
Real Kebab Adventure!
16/05/11 08:57
From our friends at Istanbul Express. I have to say
I’ve never eaten there, so I can’t attest to the
taste etc, and honestly would love to have one - or
as the Brits say, “I fancy a kebab”. But I’m not sure
I want to make an ‘adventure’ out of it. If I wanted
to do that, I’d take it upon myself to find
out what those pillars of ‘meat’ are actually made
of...
The Hardest Scratch-Resistant Coating Since the Formation of the Swiss Alps!
03/05/11 06:49
From the Star Ferry - Again with the new innovation.
Seems our friends at Stoneline have done it again -
terracota +induction?! They have apparently achieved,
nay surpassed the Holy Grail of scratch
resistance - the hardness of the original Swiss Alps!
And we all know how scratch resistant the newly
formed Alps were...
Life Begins From Here
26/04/11 06:48
A store window in Beijing. Apparently life begins not
at conception, or after you’ve graduated, or even
with a dream. It begins with a complete set of
discount chinese crockery at low low prices. Or does
it emanate from the mouth of the odd, crazy-eyed lion
dog on the right?
Dodge-Em Tricky Action
16/04/11 07:57
One of the last of the trove that is the Heritage
Museum. I thought they couldn’t top ‘Mr. Smash’, but
‘Dodge-Em Tricky Action’ gives him a run for his
money. I love the innocent little ‘duck and cover’
kids riding the bumper cars; I especially love that
some bored museum employee posed the little girl
shaking her fist at the rapscallion little boy who’s
about to ram her. Hopefully she’ll employ some artful
dodge-em tricky action and send him flying
into the patriotic border ring...
Placenta Infiltration Therapy
22/03/11 19:43
A new skin treatment at a local spa. Bizarre enough
phrasing to proudly stand alone, though it does make
one wonder exactly whose placenta is being
infiltrated, and how...
LUCID CUBE... Air Freshener or Dream Enhancer?
07/03/11 11:06
One of the odder taxi dashboard adornments I’ve seen
- an air freshener named ‘LUCID CUBE’. Not sure if
they had anything in mind other than ‘hey it rhymes!”
A waste of a funky name really, as I can think of any
number of interesting devices that could use a
moniker like this, say a virtual reality generator,
or an REM sleep brainwave booster. Maybe it really is
a lucid dream enhancer disguised as a
dashboard air freshener - which would explain why our
driver kept weaving around unseen obstacles and
driving like a waking nightmare...
Gripe Water - Rapid Relief of Wind and Gripe
25/02/11 12:59
A quick post about gripe water. Initially I found the
term ‘gripe water’ amusing; I’ve since been told that
‘gripe’ is a Brit term for colic. Still to Americans
to ‘gripe’ means to bitch or complain, and ‘wind’ is
an archaic term used ironically (think Break Like
the Wind, the estimable sequel to
Spinal Tap). A more useful US
version would be targeted not at colicky babies and
their sleepless parents, but rather for those
unfortunates exposed to rightwing talk radio and fox
news (such as workers forced to listen to rush
limbaugh or sean hannity by their petty tyrant
bosses). It would provide rapid relief from ignorant
whining, race-baiting, spittle-flecked griping
and toxic levels of foul smelling hot air...
In the Blue Ocean Palace There Are Many Programs, Including Water-Larkishness
22/02/11 06:58
From a brochure for a resort outside of Beijing.
Apparently Blue Ocean Palace has a hot spring pond
whose grounds are constructed entirely from green
jades. Wow. As if this were not enough, they
claim to be the ‘first place in Beijing’ to boot; a
veritable paradise of water sports (surfing
and drifting) and spa treatments like
‘hydropathy-care’. Impressive lineup, but they also
have venues for bowling, billiards and hairdressing.
But it’s their singular ability to offer
‘water-larkishness’ that seals the deal for
me. When’s the last time you were able to waterlark
indoors? Exactly.
And as you can see by the accompanying shot of the pool, there is potential for water-larking aplenty. Never mind that the bizarre juxtaposition of stalactites, transplanted sections of cave wall, jade tiling, blimp hangar ceiling, and a flotilla of inflatable pool toys will melt your brain...
And as you can see by the accompanying shot of the pool, there is potential for water-larking aplenty. Never mind that the bizarre juxtaposition of stalactites, transplanted sections of cave wall, jade tiling, blimp hangar ceiling, and a flotilla of inflatable pool toys will melt your brain...
! Sign
17/02/11 08:02
A sign outside of the Temple of Heaven in Beijing.
I’m assuming this means warning! or caution! or its
equivalent, though its rather vague about what to be
cautious of. A quick image search revealed
only one other example of it, from a British sign
vendor. I don’t recall ever seeing one in the UK, or
in any former colonies etc that still use UK signage.
Perhaps it means Warning! Something unknown and
vaguely dangerous awaits you past this gate! Or
maybe its cautioning you about the decoration hanging
beside it. Warning! Dangerously oversized
traditional Chinese knots ahead!
No Magic Jackets or Better Safe Than Static
15/02/11 08:03
A warning sign from a Chinese gas station. Glad to
see they’re covering all the bases. No matches, gas
cans, sparks from metallic tool repairs, and most
importantly no magic jackets.
Or is that static producing clothing (no matter how über-fashionable or yummy warm they may be)? Oh well as the ancient Chinese proverb goes, “better safe than static”. It sounds much more noble in the original Mandarin...
Or is that static producing clothing (no matter how über-fashionable or yummy warm they may be)? Oh well as the ancient Chinese proverb goes, “better safe than static”. It sounds much more noble in the original Mandarin...
Understand Classical: Witch-hatted Garlic Cloves Signify Roast Pig's Knuckles
13/02/11 17:20
Another selection from the previously mentioned menu.
Nothing says classic Beijing cuisine like roast pig’s
knuckles, and nothing signifies classic pig’s
knuckles quite like a pair of witch-hatted cloves of
garlic. Obvious really...
Even if the Trend is Changing, the Same is to Adhere to Taste - The Trendy Options
11/02/11 17:16
A bold, farsighted quote from the ‘trendy’ menu
section of a Beijing area restaurant. I’m guessing
they are trying to say something like new recipes
still need to taste good. I could get the
characters properly translated, but why spoil the
mystique? And as quotes go, it’s far more thought
provoking this way. Although I can’t say it made
their entrees taste any better...
Close To The Distance Near Civilization
06/02/11 08:18
My first post from our Chinese New Year trip to
Beijing. A sign from the men’s room at the Great Wall
site at Mutianyu. A beguiling phrase to be sure, but
its location raises even more intriguing questions...
Does this mean urinals equal civilization? So... being close to the distance near them is... hmmm. I thought this plaque was perhaps misplaced, but they were dutifully posted above the other ten urinal stations as well. I must have been missing something all these years, just staring blankly ahead while I did my business, unaware that I was on the very cusp of progress...
Does this mean urinals equal civilization? So... being close to the distance near them is... hmmm. I thought this plaque was perhaps misplaced, but they were dutifully posted above the other ten urinal stations as well. I must have been missing something all these years, just staring blankly ahead while I did my business, unaware that I was on the very cusp of progress...
Golden Bone Ingot
26/01/11 20:15
Yet another hot product from the lab over at Ancient
Chinese Secrets (ok I made that up). Seems all you
need to relieve joint pain and deterioration is a
healthy dose of ‘golden bone ingots’, which will
cause your various joints to veritably glow with
health (see model on the right) - or does it
electroplate your joints with actual gold? Who cares!
They’re on sale!
Intense Social "punk" Rock Sand - Crazy Music Rise And Shine
20/01/11 17:39
Another t-shirt from the aforementioned Comical Kids
winter lineup. I have no idea what they are
attempting here, but it does have a nice cadence to
it... I guess. Perhaps this is what Sid Vicious used
to greet the morning (or late afternoon) with each
day: Crazy Music Rise and Shine!
Comical Kids Friends Towards the Horizon Courageous Rivers '53
19/01/11 10:10
A boy’s t-shirt on sale at Sogo. ‘Comical Kids’ is
the brand name, and they’ve got some great
unintentional material here. Seems they are exhorting
young boys to look ’towards the horizon’ for
‘courageous rivers’, just like in ’53. Who can forget
the madcap tots who ventured forth on that ill-fated
1953 expedition to find the fabled river of bravery?
Sharkproof Bracelet
17/01/11 07:29
An ad for the latest diver watch from Omega. ‘Luxury’
watches are a thriving market here, with all the big
name companies represented throughout HK. I was
initially struck by off-key tagline. Do you have an
oxygen tank - get it? ‘Cause its takes your breath
away, and you need to breath underwater ‘cause
there’s no air, and...
Anyway what really caught me is the added bonus listed below: not the 1200 meter water resistance (in case you ever develop the mutant ability to dive to 4000ft without a submersible) but rather the ‘sharkproof bracelet’. Honestly what good will that do you? Sure it’ll preserve the watch, but unfortunately the wrist its attached to won’t fare so well...
Anyway what really caught me is the added bonus listed below: not the 1200 meter water resistance (in case you ever develop the mutant ability to dive to 4000ft without a submersible) but rather the ‘sharkproof bracelet’. Honestly what good will that do you? Sure it’ll preserve the watch, but unfortunately the wrist its attached to won’t fare so well...
Dense Feeling Moment
10/01/11 15:15
An odd little toy from a bookstore in Causeway Bay.
They have a whole raft of ‘european’ store fronts on
sale, which are not made for any particular toy. I’m
pretty sure there isn’t a coffee shop that goes by
that name in any of the EU countries. but who knows?
Maybe its tucked away on some cozy backstreet in
London or Brussels, beckoning to the local
intelligentsia and occasional tourist to come enjoy a
good cup of joe and experience a truly condensed
emotional instant...
Who's Absent? Super Delicious Food! Take it, its Yours!!!
04/01/11 19:56
Another truly bizarre ad for the Food Forum
restaurants at Times Square (note the ‘TS’ on the
soldier’s helmet - nice touch). Apparently if you’re
present, you are eligible for some super
delicious food - in fact you’re authorized to ‘just
take it, its yours!!!’ The juxtapositions here are
mind boggling: the aforementioned WWII grunt with a
huge fork strapped to his back, carrying a grocery
bag overflowing with oddly matched fresh produce; the
utterly nonsensical headline; the obnoxious
impossible to read warped font (it’s actually called
‘hobo’ and is one of the ugliest fonts ever devised);
the WWII British bomber crashlanding in the
background, after narrowly missing the airdropped
giant pumpkins; and last but not least, the
Iraq/Afghanistan-era US troops in the foreground, all
dutifully waiting for chowtime, also
equipped with monstrous utensils. I guess they need
the extra large silverware to get into the pumpkins?
So what does ANY of this have to do with the various restaurants of the Food Forum? Nothing! Just follow orders, soldier! And if anyone tries to impede you as you fill your duffel with a veritable cornucopia of pineapples, grapes and radishes, well just impale them with your army issue giant golden fork. Take it, its yours!
So what does ANY of this have to do with the various restaurants of the Food Forum? Nothing! Just follow orders, soldier! And if anyone tries to impede you as you fill your duffel with a veritable cornucopia of pineapples, grapes and radishes, well just impale them with your army issue giant golden fork. Take it, its yours!
Illinois of Augustana Gusties
03/01/11 11:53
A t-shirt from Champion, from the Sogo dept. store in
Causeway Bay. They have a ton of these faux American
high school shirts, with innocuous fictitious names
like Carbondale Vikings etc. But this one definitely
takes the cake. Of course in alternate universe
Illinois the Gusties are a bit of a legend, the only
school to win consequeitve state titles in both
football and basketball twelve years in a row. I do
think they mean Augustana of Illinois(?), which of
course doesn’t really exist either. But hey who
cares? Goooo Gusties! Blow ‘em away!
Cowsmos Power
14/12/10 07:25
A t-shirt from Giordano, a clothing chain here. They
use the cow as their kids clothing icon, though what
that has to do with cosmos or power is unclear.
Unless the cow’s name is Cosmo? Regardless I
like Cowsmos better - hey I made a pun! I wonder if I
should approach them with my idea. Not every customer
would notice an extra ‘w’ in there, but those that do
would no doubt appreciate the cleverness of my
punnery and buy even more sweaters. So its a
win-win.
Your Idea is a Dual Purpose
13/12/10 18:51
A t-shirt in Wanchai. Raises some interesting
questions. If your idea is in fact dual-purpose -
which I assume is a good thing - then why does it
cause half your face to go negative? Or is that what
a dual purpose face would look like? And is that
good? Or even more important, is that
fashionable?
'The Hippies' Rock n' Roll Music Crocodile Conspiracy Sweater
04/12/10 10:07
A boy’s sweater for sale at a local HK clothier. It
appears ‘The Hippies’, those world famous purveyors
of Rock n’ Roll music and subliminal messaging, have
sold out to the Man at last. Now their counterculture
rockin’ vibe can be seen gracing the sweaters of 4
year olds everywhere. Note the small (hard to see)
smiling crocodile mascot on the drum kit - nice
touch. Of course The Hippies were famous for hiding
obscure meanings and symbols in their records and
album covers. In fact if you put this sweater on a
vintage phonograph and play it backwards, you can
just make out the phrase I buried ‘Paul’, aka the
body double/impostor Hippy’s pet crocodile...
Garoupa Cheesy Volcano: Embrace the Affection
02/12/10 10:41
Just when I think Pizza Hut can’t possibly outdo
their previous abomination, they deliver again (no
pun intended). Now you can ‘embrace the affection’
and heat up your holiday romance with a ring of
molten cheese volcano pods, the perfect counterpoint
to the garoupa fish chunks nestled on the
‘mothership’ pizza. And the exclusive logo - that’s
some quality work right there, managing to tie
‘volcano’, cheese, and romance (note the swoopy
calligraphy elements and elegant font) into one
package. The only thing missing is a nod to the
delicious garoupa nuggets...
Frozen Bake
30/11/10 07:49
Hey everybody, it’s the Frozen Bake truck! I can’t
wait to get my hands on some delicious baguettes and
croissants that bake in the freezer. How do they do
it? Who cares! As long as I can enjoy a frosty yet
steaming baked treat I’m happy...
For Epicureans on the Go...
26/11/10 07:49
It seems rushed epicureans now have the option to
stop by Auntie Anne’s pretzel shack and grab a
disconcertingly ramrod straight hotdog encased in
pretzel dough. Welcome news to the harried
gastronomical set. This may look like the
logical extreme of ‘pigs in a blanket’ but it’s not.
This is high class fare. It’s for epicureans
- says so right there! Just look at those fancy frame
corners, and that elegant flourish of calligraphy
(which I assume is supposed to be steam coming of the
end of the hot dog?) Mmm...
Unarmed Task Force Anti Crime Handcuffs
16/11/10 07:02
Another photo I managed to take during Halloween
costume shopping. Seems the world famous ‘Unarmed
Task Force’ has put out a set of kiddies anti crime
handcuffs. I guess when you’re unarmed you use what
you can. No word on how the task force manages to
catch criminals before slapping these babies on
though. Sarcasm? Stern language? Of course this being
HK, they could use super power movies kung fu, like
leaping up and running along the walls, igniting
thieves hair with qi, etc. I just noticed the tiny
crossed out handgun on the far left (under the H)...
ICE FIRE - Part of Their Life
03/11/10 06:59
A funky/faux ironic t-shirt outfitter here in HK. I
have to admit I was taken in by the sign and
nonsensical tagline. Whose life are they referencing?
Well, the Frozen Plasma set (obviously). The
merchandise was a bit disappointing, though could’ve
been worse. A lot of ‘50s Gulf product shots from the
glory days of motoring, as well as Bruce Lee/Godzilla
stuff that might’ve been edgy a decade ago. Of course
none of really appealed to me (or came close to
fitting - damn you, ‘asian XL’), but then again its
not part of my life. Perhaps I don’t have an
icy/fiery enough lifestyle to qualify...
Mark Well the Name
29/10/10 07:58
A quick post, from my youngest daughter’s piano/music
class. There are five miniature pianos for the kinder
to use, in either pink or black. I was taken by the
manufacturer’s kick ass tagline - ‘mark well the
name’. Kind of like the band ‘You will know us from
our trail of dead’. Suffice it to say their music
doesn’t do justice to the moniker either.
One can just imagine the Mighty Shoenhut himself as he stands upon a pile of corpses and pink pianos, taunting his remaining terrified opponents. “Aye, you soon-to-be-forsaken foes, mark well the mighty Schoenhut name, and mark well my fuschia instruments of destruction. For you hear your deathknell played upon their tiny, tinkling keys...”
One can just imagine the Mighty Shoenhut himself as he stands upon a pile of corpses and pink pianos, taunting his remaining terrified opponents. “Aye, you soon-to-be-forsaken foes, mark well the mighty Schoenhut name, and mark well my fuschia instruments of destruction. For you hear your deathknell played upon their tiny, tinkling keys...”
Milky Extract Towel Mints
26/10/10 08:51
A pack of towels in a local housewares outlet. I have
no idea what ‘milky extract’ has to do with ‘mints’,
or what either has to do with towels. Actually I
don’t think I want to know...
the a (to be continued)
24/10/10 07:07
A fashion outlet in Wanchai. I’m not sure if they
forgot the other letters, or if this really is the
name. Well straight and to the point I suppose. Note
there’s no asterisks afterward, so we can assume that
the name isn’t a**hole for example. Upon closer
inspection I noticed that in the lower left hand
corner it says ‘to be continued’. Does that mean they
will complete the name (and provide answers to all
the cliffhangers from this season’s fashion
mysteries) in another revelation packed installment
down the street?
Murk and Tinted... Sunglasses?
16/10/10 08:13
A sunglass outlet in Causeway Bay. I’m not sure if
this is a chain etc, but I have to say that ‘Murk and
Tinted’ doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in their
products. Unless you want a murky coating to
compliment the ubiquitous tint...
Dr. Face & the V Treatment
10/10/10 07:45
One of the many beauty centers shilling in HK, and
the only one offering the V treatment - which
apparently sharpens your chin into a fine point for a
mere $1,000 HKD ($130 or so USD). Actually I wonder
if the other evil doctors give Dr. Face crap about
his moniker. I can imagine Dr. Evil and Dr. Shrinker
snorting in contempt over pitchers of Lite at the
local TGIFridays. To say nothing of Dr. Doom; but
then again Dr. Doom is a bit sensitive about the
whole face thing, seeing as his own is scarred beyond
recognition (and is hidden behind a rather dated
looking steel mask. You’d think a supergenius like
him could fix his own face at least). Perhaps Dr.
Face could give him the V treatment, maybe even help
him lose that last 10 pounds. All for the low
introductory price of $388...
Fisherman's Soho High Tea/Sport Bar/Bridal Tea House. And Hotel.
08/10/10 06:18
Just your typical hotel/fisherman’s soho high
tea/sport bar/bridal teahouse/ hotel. Dime
(tenpence?) a dozen here in HK. If only they catered
to a more diverse clientele...
Carbondale of Advance Party
05/10/10 07:08
A quick entry, from a Wanchai bargain clothing
outlet. As I’ve said before, I rarely get a chance to
photograph worthy t-shirts for posting, as they’re
usually being worn at the time. This is by no means a
top ten contender, but its odd enough to include
here. After all, who wouldn’t want to be considered
the Carbondale of the Advance Party. The
Party is pretty particular about who gets to wear the
name of their favorite city; not just any fashionista
gets the honor...
Wild Feast Dance Producers
25/08/10 07:50
A dance producer(?) in Wanchai. I guess ‘Bacchanalia
Dance’ was already taken. Apparently they manufacture
a myriad of wild dance feasts, from tap to hip hop,
even ‘jazz funk’. Unsure of what kind of food to
serve at your upcoming jazz technique wild feast?
Well, these are the people to ask. I wonder if they
do blood sacrifices as well, say during the average
wild tap feast. Do they tap dance on the goats with
razor tipped metal taps? Maybe they make the
goats tap dance, after plying them with wine
and... well whatever goats prefer to feast on.
Exquisite kitchen scraps?
Grapes 'n Lightning - a Winning Recipe for Cool Candy & Good Smell
23/07/10 02:27
A t-shirt on display in Causeway Bay. I'm giving them
the benefit of the doubt and assuming the Grapes is
supposed to be the focused upon phrase. And yes I
suppose grapes can be used in the production of cool
candies, and they do have a pleasant if subtle smell.
Something tells me these qualites weren't foremost on
the designer's mind here. No doubt they were
distracted by the purple lightning bolt motif
patterning. Oh wait! Grapes struck by
lightning produces cool candy and a good
smell (carbonized grape jelly?) . I totally get it
now...
Obama Language Centre
19/07/10 07:55
A language tutor near Admiralty. The rather obvious
attempt at cashing in on the US president's name is
an interesting choice, as it appears they teach
Chinese classes. So if you want learn to
speak Mandarin in an engaging, post-partisan (i.e.
moderate republican) style, then this is the place
for you. They also have side courses in triangulation
and hippy bashing. Alas no 'Bush' language Centeries
in the vicinity, but that might just be clever
stategery on their part...
Beauty Smile Trainer
13/07/10 08:06
A product shot sent over by my friend Mark (sorry,
can't call you mate as I'm American). Good
news for women afflicted with a smile that makes them
look like they have mild case of diarrhea, or have
just committed a minor faux paus (see
below). Because now there's... Beauty Smile
Trainer, an exciting new technology from Japan,
the world leader in flesh toning contraptions,
and products that look like sex toys, but
with no obvious application. Two tapered
ends?
But I digress. Seems all the weak smile sufferer has to do is place this bar in their mouth(?) and diligently work their underdeveloped smile muscles, and viola'. I assume that you need to be careful not to overdo it, lest you end up looking like Jack Nicholson as the Joker, or even worse, Julia Roberts...
But I digress. Seems all the weak smile sufferer has to do is place this bar in their mouth(?) and diligently work their underdeveloped smile muscles, and viola'. I assume that you need to be careful not to overdo it, lest you end up looking like Jack Nicholson as the Joker, or even worse, Julia Roberts...
I Don't
10/07/10 08:11
A small jewelry outfit in HK. I like the name, catchy
at least, but prompts it too many questions of its
clientele. You do... what? Offer great bargains on
cubic zirconium and electroplate? Weddings? Maybe its
even deeper than that: I do, therefore I
am...
Soul Room - For Your Conscious Living.......
04/07/10 08:40
A clothier in Causeway Bay. I've walked under this
sign a thousand times and only just noticed tagline.
Soul Room wasn't odd enough for
inclusion here, but 'for your conscious
living' puts it over the top, especially when
combined with a double ellipse (adds a touch of
mystery......). But where does one find cutting edge
fashions for unconscious living?
Extracorporeal Shock Wave Lipolysis & Breast Ho Ching Magic Solution
03/07/10 08:00
One of the many slimming centres here in HK. Most
offer the usual wraps or kneading machines. But for a
mere $888 HKD (wow three 8s - so lucky! What a
coincidence!) Perfect Shape Club unveils
Extracorporeal Shock Wave Lipolysis™. Certainly
sounds impressive; actually rather intimidating.
Definitely don't want this kind of technology in the
wrong hands. What if terrorists were able to remove
your body fat from the outside? Well I suppose they
wouldn't be very effective terrorists...
I couldn't find any additional explanations for the procedure, except that the 'shock wave type is electromagnetic'. But as usual the Cantonese website provided some other priceless translations. Seems Perfect Shape will be offering product stations at various local malls, where spokesmodels can be seen "...playing hula hoop and jump rope...
There'll also be "more on Breast Ho Ching magic solution." I wonder if they'll be applying that down at the mall? I'm sure they'd have a few male volunteers...
They use a patented 'Stovepipe approach' to slimness, with a 'banana diet can be used Lai!' 'The focus of this banana diet is breakfast any bananas from time restrictions, is that simple! ... a lot of Women with fat because of gastrointestinal or bad, Just think, food... (Wow. Just think, food... so zen).
And finally they 'will provide 6 large overeating obesity for overeating caused by large accumulation of fat induced obesity(?). And for the more stubborn cases, the promise that 'Miss Yip's [will lean into the] power cases...'
I couldn't find any additional explanations for the procedure, except that the 'shock wave type is electromagnetic'. But as usual the Cantonese website provided some other priceless translations. Seems Perfect Shape will be offering product stations at various local malls, where spokesmodels can be seen "...playing hula hoop and jump rope...
There'll also be "more on Breast Ho Ching magic solution." I wonder if they'll be applying that down at the mall? I'm sure they'd have a few male volunteers...
They use a patented 'Stovepipe approach' to slimness, with a 'banana diet can be used Lai!' 'The focus of this banana diet is breakfast any bananas from time restrictions, is that simple! ... a lot of Women with fat because of gastrointestinal or bad, Just think, food... (Wow. Just think, food... so zen).
And finally they 'will provide 6 large overeating obesity for overeating caused by large accumulation of fat induced obesity(?). And for the more stubborn cases, the promise that 'Miss Yip's [will lean into the] power cases...'
We Are Probably the Lowest Prices
20/06/10 17:28
Just to show that even native speakers can butcher
the language (though personally i think we should
just start calling it 'american' instead of
'english', just to annoy the brits if nothing else.
By the way its pronounced a-lum-in-um...).
My sister sent me this sign from Manhattan - not only
do they have the lowest prices, they are the
lowest, the physical embodiment of the very concept
of 'lowest-price-ness...
OOPS!
16/06/10 15:14
A ladies' fashion outlet in North Point. An entire
store dedicated to accidental fashions, like putting
on an 80's hot pink blazer, hip waders and a sombrero
simultaneously. Oops! Look what I just threw
together! Perhaps they have an entire rack of mustard
or tomato sauce stained clothing, or with prefab
stains printed right into the fabric. Oops! Got
mustard on my blouse... gotcha! Have to admit you
remember their name if nothing else...
Time to Eat Go! Go! Go!!
12/06/10 17:27
A poster in Times Square exhorting us to go! go!
go! get some GI rations upstairs pronto. Just
fall in with the cutlery-wielding Marines as they
charge hellbent over pumpkin-laced minefields (or
provide suppression fire from behind giant mutant
cabbages). And all with air cover provided by
fearsome pickled corn cobs(?). I honestly don't know
which WWII movie this is trying to reference, but it
apparently won all kinds of awards at Cannes - just
look at all those wreathes!
Alexander III The Great Shopped Here
11/06/10 06:26
A men's clothing store in TST. Apparently during his
excursions to India Alexander went a bit further
afield, no doubt lured by a Pakistani street hawker
who approached him (in a direct but courteous manner)
with tales of quality suits at outrageous prices.
Later he found this humble shop, filled with stylish
polo shirts and smart casual slacks. He ordered
14,000 button downs for himself and his troops, all
at a truly reasonable discount...
Night Bomber G Cup
08/06/10 07:33
A sign in Causeway Bay for a breast enlargement
supplement, the famed 'Night Bomber G'. Yes now all
you small breasted women can utilize the power of
modern science to 'reposition your arm and back fat
into your breast tissue' and activate your 'lact gene
receptors', thus increasing your bra size from B to G
overnight.
No really - says so right there on the internet, and they have the scientific terms to prove it. From some other online ad copy: "Saggy Breasts?? If you are one of the millions of women who suffer from the embarassment of small breasts, then Night Bomber can change your life. Impact occurs when you are sleeping; From a well-known study, It is making the extra fat from the back and arms to move to the bust... when the bust rise hormone is discharged and it awakens." Note the handy arrows below which illustrate how and where the fat is moving. Seems to have worked wonders in this case...
More hard medical backup follows:" ...not can be satisfied with just that, you observe to also the “lact gene receptor”... 3 completion long hormones of L-[orunichin], L-[ariginin] and the gabardine (gabardine?) stimulating from inside the bust, it assures volume rise. While sleeping, making the lact gene receptor expand in the mammary gland, it is the mechanism which becomes enormous..."
Well there you have it. A watertight scientific proof of how it works. My personal favorite ingredient is 'gabardine'. Apparently in addition to providing dapper suit fabric, it stimulates bust interiors as well. Who knew? Well Night Bomber G scientists, thats who...
No really - says so right there on the internet, and they have the scientific terms to prove it. From some other online ad copy: "Saggy Breasts?? If you are one of the millions of women who suffer from the embarassment of small breasts, then Night Bomber can change your life. Impact occurs when you are sleeping; From a well-known study, It is making the extra fat from the back and arms to move to the bust... when the bust rise hormone is discharged and it awakens." Note the handy arrows below which illustrate how and where the fat is moving. Seems to have worked wonders in this case...
More hard medical backup follows:" ...not can be satisfied with just that, you observe to also the “lact gene receptor”... 3 completion long hormones of L-[orunichin], L-[ariginin] and the gabardine (gabardine?) stimulating from inside the bust, it assures volume rise. While sleeping, making the lact gene receptor expand in the mammary gland, it is the mechanism which becomes enormous..."
Well there you have it. A watertight scientific proof of how it works. My personal favorite ingredient is 'gabardine'. Apparently in addition to providing dapper suit fabric, it stimulates bust interiors as well. Who knew? Well Night Bomber G scientists, thats who...
'Bright & Breezy Mathematics' vs. '∏MP'
04/06/10 06:33
A math tutoring service in Wanchai. Bright and breezy
may not two words you usually associate with
mathematics, but give them credit from trying to be
positive at least.
Also due credit for not trying to make math sexy, which is never going to work, though many have tried. As proof I offer but a few of the 'sexy math' gifts I came across online. You've got your seventies 'Pi-MP' shirt, you're 'mathematicians do it rigorously', and finally 'for a good prime call (all prime numbers of course - clever)'. Now that's quality. Who says mathematicians don't have a sense of humor? All non-mathematicians do...
Also due credit for not trying to make math sexy, which is never going to work, though many have tried. As proof I offer but a few of the 'sexy math' gifts I came across online. You've got your seventies 'Pi-MP' shirt, you're 'mathematicians do it rigorously', and finally 'for a good prime call (all prime numbers of course - clever)'. Now that's quality. Who says mathematicians don't have a sense of humor? All non-mathematicians do...
Takeachance with NAFNAF League
04/06/10 06:31
An intriguing chinglish phrase adorning the back of a
shopper in Wanchai. Naf naf league is a
French(?) designer label, though the only products I
could find online were on ebay and charity gift
sites. Oh well. Definitely a catchy name, though, and
the phrase 'takeachance with naf naf league' just has
a nice cadence to it. Or maybe its a nod to the
infamous ABBA song, and its diabolical take a
chance, take a chance, take a chance chance
chance background chant - which of
course will now be stuck in my head all day...
Yumi Skinjet - Now with French Pressure Tut New Radio Technology
23/05/10 16:56
A bus-side ad for the latest in slimming technology
from Dr. Renew, the 'Yumi Skinjet'. The web
translation claims it utilizes 'French pressure
Tut new radio technology (!) without needles,
recognized and awarded by the U.S. FDA, American
scientists patent awards, SKINJET to speed in 0.01
seconds, between the moment the essence of liquid
mist into the skin in depth from 3.2 to 9.1 mm
underlying the skin, skin can be completely
absorbed.'
Well if it has American scientists working on it, it must be safe! I guess the depth of the 'essence of liquid mist' is key here - deadly over 9.2mm, but Dr. Renew is a trusted professional and knows his way around a French pressure Tut radio. Still why not go one better? How about a 'Belgian Ramses hyperwind tunnel' generating Mach 5 airspeeds, forcing the subcutaneous fat cells into a slimmer, more aerodynamic shape? Or not...
Well if it has American scientists working on it, it must be safe! I guess the depth of the 'essence of liquid mist' is key here - deadly over 9.2mm, but Dr. Renew is a trusted professional and knows his way around a French pressure Tut radio. Still why not go one better? How about a 'Belgian Ramses hyperwind tunnel' generating Mach 5 airspeeds, forcing the subcutaneous fat cells into a slimmer, more aerodynamic shape? Or not...
Tri-Chromatic Cohering Extravaganza Paraphrasis Together Similarly. OK?
19/05/10 07:33
A sign for a wedding/image consultant in Causeway
Bay. Yet another case of nifty words haphazardly
strung together for maximum effect. Still its true
that a tri-chromatic cohering extravaganza combined
with a paraphrasis can really kick your wedding up a
notch...
Love in a Puff
18/05/10 06:00
A romantic comedy here in HK. I haven't (and never
will, to be honest) see this movie, so I can't attest
to its merits. I've seen commercials though, and from
what I can gather, the guy buys cigarettes from a
7-11, and his suave smoking becomes a metaphor for
whimsical romance - or something. Again what got my
attention was the name - one of those titles that
makes you wonder if the translator is having some fun
at his clients expense. Love in a jiffy? an eyeblink?
Love of righteous weed? Of secondhand smoke?
GWEATSPORT
14/05/10 15:54
A window poster for a mainland fitness clothing
store. I'm assuming they were trying for
'greatsport', but who knows, maybe they decided to
incorporate 'sweat' into the name, so gweat is a
combination of the too(?) Note that this was taken
from an escalator, so in reality her head isn't quite
so disturbingly skewed...
NOT... Mountain Range? Sphinx Label?
12/05/10 07:41
A Chinese knockoff I stumbled across in North Point.
Yet another case of someone with just enough
knowledge of English to be dangerous. Sure 'mountain
range' is potentailly apropos for a camo backpack,
and 'sphinx label' certainly has a touch of ancient
mystery (if not modern coherence), but calling your
product 'NOT...' is bit confusing. Not...
what? Quality? Good for backpacking?
Bulletproof? Still they are technically
correct: this pack is NOT a mountain range...
Fasten Support Juice and Daidai Diet
03/05/10 17:38
A diet/slimming product at a local beauty shop. There
are tons of slimming salons and diet products here,
but few have the pedigree of the exclusive Fasten
Club. Exactly what is being 'fastened' isn't exactly
clear, but this juice apparently supports the
process. Combined with the Daidai (die-die?) diet,
club members can expect the pounds to just... fasten
away?
SPLUX
26/04/10 15:18
A fashion/luxury/lifestyle magazine here in HK. There
are a ton of these publications here in HK, though
this one has the most unique name i've come across. I
assume they were going for a nifty play on 'lux', but
splux sounds like sexual slang for the byproduct from
an unmentionable sex act. Seem this issue highlights
that 'legend of glory' himself, one Bruce
Rockowitz(?). Never heard of him, but then I'm not
into splux...
Heckyva Farest Geewhiz Celestial Certained Facts? Whatever Betide...
23/04/10 07:54
I don't often get a chance to take shots of
chinglish/english mutilation t-shirts here, as
usually they are being, well, worn at the time. And
rarely does the word generation approach the sublime
level exhibited here. Seems they hit upon a positive
theme at least, with heckuva (mispelled) gee whiz and
celestial all being upbeat, though i love the musing
shakespearean ending. Whatever betide my friends,
whatever betide...
1 of 480 Must Haves - the White Bible
17/04/10 08:24
A bus stop billboard from Jessica, a fashion mag here
in HK. Still not sure if its named after HK starlet
Jessica (like Oprah's O magazine in the US) or if
they just decided that its a trendy sounding moniker.
Anyway I was struck by the '480 must haves'. One
cannot get by with a mere 479 essentials.
And no such list is complete without a 'White BIble'.
I assume this is a guide to wearing white,
but perhaps its a guide to acting white,
complete with mayonnaise recipes, outdated street
slang, ideal wrangler jeans/college sweatshirt
combinations, and the location of every TGIFriday's
in the contiguous 48 states...
Perfect Me! Perfect Him!
13/04/10 18:26
A flyer from SOGO, the venerable Japanese department
here in Causeway Bay. This is for one of their
semiannual beauty product promotions, the 'spring
beauty fair'. Apparently they will not only make
you perfect, but your spouse/boyfriend as
well, whether he wants it or not. While you're
getting the Lancome' cyber-whitening, Bobbi Brown
mascara match (you are such an Autumn!) and
gold leaf/seaweed slim wrap, he's getting a
brutal facial scrub with fist-sized Icelandic pumice,
then a hearty backwaxing with authentic Brazilian
beeswax, followed by forced shin implants - sorry
dear, but princes are supposed to be tall.
And of course there's the electroshock Pavlovian
therapy to ween him of ESPN and Playstation; all the
more time for listening - really
listening - to your detailed constructive
criticisms...
Diligent Fungus Miracle Slimming
11/04/10 11:03
A bus side ad for yet another diet/slimming product
here in HK. There is huge business in slimming
products and treatments here, involving various
exotic creams and questionable procedures, but this
has to take top spot (for brand name recognition if
nothing else). Hard to beat 'diligent fungus', even
if the thought of willingly applying a relentless
mold on your skin is more than a bit unsettling...
I've yet to find a better street shot, but I did manage to find this web banner ad. Seems Jen here depends on it to loose 20 lbs. in one month. Wow - that is miraculous. One hopes that she means 20 pounds of fat, and not, say, internal organs or brain tissue. Hate to have a bunch of 'invasion of the bodysnatcher' types shuffling about HK, pointing at chubby ladies who obviously haven't succumbed and unleashing that unearthly scream...
I've yet to find a better street shot, but I did manage to find this web banner ad. Seems Jen here depends on it to loose 20 lbs. in one month. Wow - that is miraculous. One hopes that she means 20 pounds of fat, and not, say, internal organs or brain tissue. Hate to have a bunch of 'invasion of the bodysnatcher' types shuffling about HK, pointing at chubby ladies who obviously haven't succumbed and unleashing that unearthly scream...
Originated from China Ecological Grassland, with Bovine Guardians
05/04/10 07:20
A billboard advertising milk from the mainland. Of
course its highly unlikely that such verdant pastures
exist anywhere in China; and while
'ecological grassland' sounds vaguely
positive, it doesn't actually mean anything.
Also considering China's infamous plastic additive
(melamine) scandal, when the Chinese throw words like
ecological around, one should be very wary. Still I
have to give credit to the poor sods who had to
photoshop the 'dairy cow' clouds (having done this
once myself with the old AOL logo, i can attest that
its a real pain in the ass to make clouds
look both 'realistic' and recognizable as something
else). But perhaps the bovine guardian spirits really
are watching over this precious patch of
idyllic green, and the photographer just got lucky...
Coconut Tree God Lantern Hot Pepper Sauce Anyone?
03/04/10 11:02
A condiment pack from our friends at Dragon Air, a
local HK/mainland carrier. Their food is pretty bad,
even by airline food standards - actually even by
chinese airline standards. Still they do get
offsetting credit for choice of condiments - hard to
top coconut tree god lantern hot pepper
sauce (which my wife assures me is the correct
translation from the mandarin above). In the interest
of science i tried it - decent enough as hot sauces
go, but i wonder if the coconut tree god would be
proud of his worshippers...
Kozy Corners - Seize the Comfort!
02/04/10 15:20
A shop window ad in Causeway Bay. I guess the folks
at Kozy Corners (why didn't they spell corners with a
k? - good question) felt they needed to add some
energy to their soporific storefront. They're now
exhorting customers to rise up and 'seize the
comfort'. Yes, grab some prime Pier 1 bric-a-brac
with both hands and ride that krazy kozy wave...
Fat Bomb
21/03/10 15:24
A diet/slimming product here in HK, one of many. I'm
assuming they mean 'bomb' as in destroy the fat, but
the idea of a bomb of fat is unsettling.
Really unsettling. Still it apparently qualifies for
the 'No. 1' anthropomorphic thumb, making it the
top-selling fat bomb on the market...
Spider Man Climbing - The Man You Can Trust...
17/03/10 06:23
A climbing outfit in Yangshuo. Seems Spiderman has a
nice side business going for when he needs a break
from the big city. For those who know climbing, there
are some impressive climbs here, with a number of
established 5-12+ routes readily accessible.
Personally I would think twice about using this guy
though. Sure he's a trusted crimefighter, selfless
protector of innocent bystanders, and obviously he's
knows his stuff, but he can climb any
surface unassisted for chrissake. Imagine going out
to the nearest karst and having Spidey scoot up a
sheer wall with ease, then drop four stories, land in
a fighting crouch, dust off his hands, then turn to
you smiling and say 'OK, now you try it'...
Mr. Magic Would WOW You with the Wondrous World of Wonders
11/03/10 18:40
A subway poster in Admiralty, announcing the
'International WOW Magic on Earth II' . Seems one
show couldn't contain all the WOW. The name qualifies
it for easy inclusion here - though Mr. Magic's
mullet and silver blouse take a close second.
I later looked this extraganza up on the internets, and found a trove of wow-inducing (if somewhat disturbing) pickin's. First off there's the tagline:
7 Magic Masters Made You Feel The WOW Once In Your LIFE (I guess having sex, falling in love, etc don't actually produce WOW for most people; kind of sad actually...)
And the 7 Masters each have their own uniquely worded story as well. A few selections from the program guide:
Escape from Reality; He’s cool. She’s even cooler. The two meet in the magic arena. Only one can be the winner. So guess what’s next. (Death by... cooling?)
Story of High Heel; A magician with a heart full of love. A pair of high heels. A romantic story is about to begin. (I really hope this isn't a shoe fetish thing...)
"He" is in a Bar; This ‘guy’ in the Magic Bar – what will he serve up next? (I really don't know what to do with this one. Is 'he' a she? Does that magically influence his/her bartending somehow?)
And the best of the bunch - Moments with Mr. Magic; Mr. Magic would WOW you with the Wondrous World of Wonders. (A whole new take on www...)
The site also provided some choice bio information on our WOW-ists. I had no idea Magic had so many championships, certificates, and awards. Here are just a few:
...awarded twice in the World Magic Championship, aka FISM, and has a Master’s Degree in the F.F.F.F. Original Close-up Magic Convention USA...
...the first Japanese to win the Magic Manipulation World Championship in World Magic Championship, aka FISM, and the Golden Lion Award in Las Vegas...
and finally Mr. Magic's CV: He is the only complete conjurer in Hong Kong... the only magician in Asia held AIMC Silver Star membership of the British Magic Circle and the only Hong Kong magician featured in Hollywood Magic Castle in the US... has a Bachelor Degree in the Fechter’s Finger Flicking Frolic Original Close-up Magic Convention...
Both the magic circle and the magic castle? But - but how? Ahh yes, magic. And yes thats 'Fechter’s Finger Flicking Frolic'. Think about that for a second. OK that's enough...
I later looked this extraganza up on the internets, and found a trove of wow-inducing (if somewhat disturbing) pickin's. First off there's the tagline:
7 Magic Masters Made You Feel The WOW Once In Your LIFE (I guess having sex, falling in love, etc don't actually produce WOW for most people; kind of sad actually...)
And the 7 Masters each have their own uniquely worded story as well. A few selections from the program guide:
Escape from Reality; He’s cool. She’s even cooler. The two meet in the magic arena. Only one can be the winner. So guess what’s next. (Death by... cooling?)
Story of High Heel; A magician with a heart full of love. A pair of high heels. A romantic story is about to begin. (I really hope this isn't a shoe fetish thing...)
"He" is in a Bar; This ‘guy’ in the Magic Bar – what will he serve up next? (I really don't know what to do with this one. Is 'he' a she? Does that magically influence his/her bartending somehow?)
And the best of the bunch - Moments with Mr. Magic; Mr. Magic would WOW you with the Wondrous World of Wonders. (A whole new take on www...)
The site also provided some choice bio information on our WOW-ists. I had no idea Magic had so many championships, certificates, and awards. Here are just a few:
...awarded twice in the World Magic Championship, aka FISM, and has a Master’s Degree in the F.F.F.F. Original Close-up Magic Convention USA...
...the first Japanese to win the Magic Manipulation World Championship in World Magic Championship, aka FISM, and the Golden Lion Award in Las Vegas...
and finally Mr. Magic's CV: He is the only complete conjurer in Hong Kong... the only magician in Asia held AIMC Silver Star membership of the British Magic Circle and the only Hong Kong magician featured in Hollywood Magic Castle in the US... has a Bachelor Degree in the Fechter’s Finger Flicking Frolic Original Close-up Magic Convention...
Both the magic circle and the magic castle? But - but how? Ahh yes, magic. And yes thats 'Fechter’s Finger Flicking Frolic'. Think about that for a second. OK that's enough...
Cheapy
10/03/10 06:59
A music/movie outlet in TST; the name pretty much
says it all. There are tons of DVD places like this
here, all suspiciously similar, though this one
really is quite cheap (maybe not such a bad
name after all). They have the all usual cantopop
available - note the 'Love Mi' poster (more on her
later), as well as the latest hong kong martial arts
blockbuster 'bodyguards and assassins' (make up your
minds gentlemen, you can't be both). Ironically
that DVD is outrageously overpriced....
Lucky Purple Shamrock
07/03/10 09:00
The airport bar at the new airport in Guilin China.
Seems they're hoping to cater to a... burgeoning
Irish population? Unfortunately they have a few of
the specifics wrong; generally shamrocks are not
purple, and generally Irishmen don't eat rice
noodles. They do have Guinness however,
which easily counterbalances these minor points.
Actually having Guinness counterbalances the just
about everything...
'Variety King Kong' Transforminger
26/02/10 09:12
A toy from Guilin. Usually the mainland toy
knock-offs try to get close to the copied product
(enough for allusion if nothing else), but I suppose
these guys aren't taking any chances with
infringement. So rather than go for
Transformingers or Optimum
Primus Trucker, they've decided to go with
the baffling moniker 'Variety King Kong'. If nothing
else they're sure to throw the lawyers off the scent
with this one...
Dancing Wolves Vs. Septwolves
20/02/10 08:08
Two clothing outlets in Yangshou - the bitter rivals
Dancing Wolves and
Septwolves. Not sure if september wolves is
a reference to some uprising or revolution, or an
obscure Chinese folktale. Nasty looking wolf though
(doesn't look good on a polo shirt) in marked
contrast to the suave film noir icon for 'dancing'.
I'm guessing dancing wolves is more for
sweetly dangerous ladykillers, ready to sweep a dame
off her feet with some hard-nosed, soft-hearted
detective work, while septwolves goes for
the aggressive 'hunting in packs' type, usually seen
at sports bars or a Hooters happy hour, howling for
more chicken wings and twofer pitchers, making
endless boorish passes at the long suffering
waitresses. You don't want to be on the streets when
a pack of septwolves stumbles upon some dancing
wolves; the dancers swinging in to deliver some
ironic oneliners and solid uppercuts, the septwolves
gangtackling, spewing sports analogies and
Schwarzenegger quotes...
Adivon Originals
18/02/10 18:15
A new store in Yangshuo, home of those iconic
jungle-covered, mist shrouded outcroppings you always
see in Chinese paintings (and yes they really do look
that way). Maybe it just me, but this up-and-coming
Chinese brand bears more than a passing resemblance
to adidas. Hmmm... its almost like they took a chunk
of the logo and turned it 90 degrees, and used an
identical font. Or perhaps a young entrepeneur named
Adi Vonsler (or Vonsler Adi to use the asian
convention) decided to follow his passion, just like
a young german named Adi Dassler. Coincedence?
Harmonic convergence? Or blatant copyright violation?
You decide...
Natural Functional Body Fluid
17/02/10 08:47
From a diet supplement package here in HK. The good
people at 'slim partner' have hit upon an exciting
slimming aid - 'natural functional body fluid'.
Unfortunately the closely related term 'bodily
fluids' carries rather negative connotations in the
US, usually something from a crime scene or unseemly
sex act. It is 'natural' and 'functional'
though, so thats good(?). Perhaps its best that the
ingredients are listed in Chinese...
Heavenly King Leon's Dream Wedding
11/02/10 08:33
A poster for 'Dream Wedding - Leon Live in Macao
2010'. Leon is a cantopop (HK's own brand of sickly
sweet pop/R&B) uberlegend. From his website
promo:
Lai first broke in to the Asian entertainment scene as the second runner-up in the 1986 New Talent Singing Awards. A record contract followed, as did fame when his debut album 1990s Meet the Rain went gold. Success followed with a series of chart-topping releases among them the award-winning single Not One Day I Dont Think of You... Lai was later crowned one of the 'Four Heavenly Kings of Canto-pop'...
Seems he's tired of ruling heaven (or a quarter of it at least), and is back on the comeback trail; he's decided to usher in 2010 with a 'dream wedding' tour. Unfortunately Leon's dreams appear to involve razors, disembodied female body parts (bleeding paint all over everything, even on his otherwise immaculate tux). Other highlights include flights of fighter jets and WWII bombers, ferris wheels, headless poledancers, and a truly disturbing female torso equiped with a camera simulating male genitalia. Yow. Don't know what to do with that one. Anyway I think I'll stick to tamer fare, like a Heironymous Bosch painting, or maybe one of those quaint Saw movies...
Lai first broke in to the Asian entertainment scene as the second runner-up in the 1986 New Talent Singing Awards. A record contract followed, as did fame when his debut album 1990s Meet the Rain went gold. Success followed with a series of chart-topping releases among them the award-winning single Not One Day I Dont Think of You... Lai was later crowned one of the 'Four Heavenly Kings of Canto-pop'...
Seems he's tired of ruling heaven (or a quarter of it at least), and is back on the comeback trail; he's decided to usher in 2010 with a 'dream wedding' tour. Unfortunately Leon's dreams appear to involve razors, disembodied female body parts (bleeding paint all over everything, even on his otherwise immaculate tux). Other highlights include flights of fighter jets and WWII bombers, ferris wheels, headless poledancers, and a truly disturbing female torso equiped with a camera simulating male genitalia. Yow. Don't know what to do with that one. Anyway I think I'll stick to tamer fare, like a Heironymous Bosch painting, or maybe one of those quaint Saw movies...
Enjoy The Game! (In Your Relaxing Bulletproof Vest)
08/02/10 07:25
An ad from one of the soccer sites I occasionally
peruse. Seems for a mere $USD 69.95 you can get the
'#1 personal protection body armour for the world cup
2010'. Nothing says 'sit back and relax' quite like
the constant chafing presence of a bulky kevlar vest.
You'll soon forget you're wearing it! No doubt you'll
also soon forget to look behind you every 2.4 seconds
for possible kidnappers, or check everyone's hands
within 150 sq meters, or triangulating sniper
positions, or vaguely bulging bags, or those
suspicious (and admittedly damned annoying) plastic
trumpets, or half drunk cups of beer placed
'accidentally' beside you.. just relax and enjoy the
game!
Raisin Brahms?
05/02/10 18:24
An American web ad promoting the arts. I'm all for
increasing exposure and arts education in the US
(which in general is woefully underfunded etc) but
'raisin brahms'? Not going to resonate with the
kinder I'm afraid. This smacks of 'seemed like a good
idea at the time' brainstorming. Maybe the boss came
up with this 'clever' pun, and no one could
countermand them; then again 'feed your kids the
Arts!" isn't exactly lighting up the sky either...
iFairy Vs. iBird
02/02/10 07:47
While browsing the local Toys 'R Us, I happened upon
the interestingly named iFairy ('graceful and
efficient', with 'super wide infrared control' no
less - certainly sounds impressive). Seems they're
jumping on the "i - clever product name" bandwagon a
bit late. Unfortunately doesn't really look like a
fairy, and definitely not a cyber-enchanced i-pixie.
One would expect futuristic metallic wings, or at
least a USB connector...
Also upon closer inspection, I noticed it looks suspiciously like the iBird a few boxes down. Hmmm. Now a cynic would say that the iFairy is just the iBird with 'fairy' coloring and pink packaging. A cynic mind you...
Also upon closer inspection, I noticed it looks suspiciously like the iBird a few boxes down. Hmmm. Now a cynic would say that the iFairy is just the iBird with 'fairy' coloring and pink packaging. A cynic mind you...
More Style Today Than Yesterday
30/01/10 09:21
A small 'hallway' store in Causeway Bay. Interesting
name, but judging by the empty hooks, I guess they
didn't have much style yesterday either...
Mind Attack Spider Game
28/01/10 07:50
A game in the local Toys 'R Us - Mind Attack
Spider Game. Not sure how you play exactly, but
apparently if you hit the spider robot with your
infrared laser, it 'screams and falls'. Not for the
faint of heart. One can only imagine the chronic
nightmares visited upon some unfortunate, overly
imaginative seven year old: trapped in the middle of
a sprawling spider's web; assaulted by endless waves
of demonic cyborg arachnids (who scream in unearthly
rage when you do manage to hit one of them);
but they're just too many of them, and the nicad
batteries in your tiny infrared laster pistol are
running low... Perhaps 'Mind F*ck' would be better.
Well, Good for Them...
26/01/10 08:13
A nice little gem I caught on the ESPN(?) sports
page; a breaking banner headline concerning American
baseball. Seems the St. Louis Cardinals have agreed
to a seven-year, $120 million (USD) deal with... the
St. Louis Cardinals. This according to consummate
insider John Heyman (just the kind of info only a
seasoned, well-connected reporter like him could
unearth). A truly stunning development. Apparently a
Mr. Holliday will also get a 'full no-trade clause'
thrown in. I assume the Cardinals have also agreed in
principle not to trade... the Cardinals?
Hootchy Kootchy (Keep Your Socks On)
22/01/10 08:10
A pair of socks for sale at a stall in North Point. I
hope this one is intentional, as its pretty cheeky
(as sock names go anyway). Of course thats assuming
you know what 'hootchie cootchie' means; in the US at
least its dated slang for having sex, originally the
name of a ribald faux belly dance craze in the late
1800s. Anyway it seems the good people at Wai Shun
Socks Knitting Factory (Ltd) want you to have said
sex with your socks on, which would obviously be
great for business. According to their sales blurb
online, these socks are 'ladies computerised
patterned... unique designed socks with smooth and
soft feeling... easy to match with various dress
code'. I guess if your dress code consists of
just socks, then yes they do match rather
well...
You'll Never, EVER Finish... But Do Make It a Ritual
19/01/10 17:38
A somber billboard for PageOne (arguably the best
english-language bookstore in HK). Read every
day - Even if you read books every day,
you'll still never finish reading all the books in
the world - but do make it a ritual. What's the
point here exactly? Of course you'd never finish all
the books in the world; this sounds more like
don't bother, or what the hell, stave
off the inevitable. I could understand a do
not go gently into that good night inspirational
tone, or even so read what you love vibe,
but this makes it all sound rather overwhelming and
pointless, like do brush your teeth, even though
they'll all decay and rot out of your head
regardless...
It reminds me of those death countdown clocks that used to pop up in airline catalogues, usually in 'the sharper image' or similar executive toy section. They would digitally display your statistical time of death as a 'reminder' to get things done. Or to not bother...
It reminds me of those death countdown clocks that used to pop up in airline catalogues, usually in 'the sharper image' or similar executive toy section. They would digitally display your statistical time of death as a 'reminder' to get things done. Or to not bother...
StarzBites?
14/01/10 08:39
PIzza Hut's latest mutant pizza idea - seems cheese
injected into a hollow tube crust wasn't pushing the
envelope far enough. Now we have StarzBites!
I haven't seen one of these abominations in person,
but apparently its a crust with 18 individual 'bites'
attached like spokes, each stuffed with a 2-tone
cheese stick (note the z-shaped flourish on top -
nice touch - very starzy). The actual pizza
is topped with scallops, peaches, pineapple,
'embedded' sausage slices, 'intertwining' mozzarella
and cheddar cheeses, and 'innovative' miracle island
sauce (thousand island dressing being a common
alternative to tomato sauce here in HK and in Japan).
Hell who wouldn't want to partake of such a
multi-faceted, multi-dimensional treat, if only to be
a part of history? I'm feeling more starzy just by
looking at it. As for the name, what else are you
going to call it? Spokeybites? Sporez?
The Largest Lifestyle Hypermall in Malaysian Borneo
11/01/10 06:54
From the Kota Kinabalu tourist map. Borneo is known
for its orangutans and headhunters, but its the world
famous 'lifestyle hypermalls' that really
pack in the tourists. And this is the largest of them
all, dwarfing the other 58 in the province. These
hypermalls exist in at least 8 extra dimensions,
allowing innocuous looking complexes like this to
hold over 38,000 stores...
Satan Claus
09/01/10 08:52
Thanks to my friend Mark for sending this one over.
Seems Satan was busy during xmas as well, assuming a
passable 'saint nick' disguise and hiring himself out
for the holiday kiddy circuit (no doubt trying to
snag a few children's souls with his 'gift' of
eternal toys - in hell!) Looks like he's shaking a
bit - perhaps he's struggling to keep his devil body
from bursting through. More likely he's been hitting
the spiked eggnog a little too hard (he is
making that universal 'drinking' motion), getting
some 'liquid courage' under his belt before the
'sitting on santa's lap' portion of the party starts.
Seems even he gets nervous about dealing
with droves of demanding, bratty kids...
This is The Place
08/01/10 07:04
If you've ever wondered where the place is -
the original location that spawned the now time-worn
expression - well now you have your answer.
Apparently its been in a strip mall in Malaysia all
this time. Who knew? Its also an 'overtime cafe &
lounge', so if you've just pulled an extra shift at
work, just swing by Borneo for a quick bite or pick
me up...
Head Shop Head Shot - Take Out The Special Forces Kitty
06/01/10 06:52
A window poster from the Head Shop 2, a salon I've
posted on before. Seems now they're offering would-be
snipers a chance to take out a pesky special forces
kitty with a head shot. He's apparently infiltrated
their 'shine' product line, and is taking cover
behind the 'silk fusion' conditioner. I like the
little helmet, but the cat-sized M1 automatic rifle
really kicks this up a notch. He may be good, but as
you can see by the tracking crosshairs, his
counterinsurgency days are numbered...
Revolving Pavilion - Just Like the Real Westminster Palace...
05/01/10 07:03
This is a 3D puzzle(?) sold in Wanchai. A bit hard to
read, but its officially 'revolving pavilion, palace
of westminster. I was unaware that Westminster Palace
had a revolving pavilion; must be for the
Queen's private use. I googled it later, and its
actually from Poland; and here I thought
this was another case of a Chinese marketing guy
ginning up more nonsensical (but impressive sounding)
English combinations. My apologies to the many
Chinese marketing guys who peruse this site. Love the
crowned 'R' and full moon, though...
24 Hour Hotline - For a Funeral Parlour?
03/01/10 17:13
My wife spotted this sign outside the Kota Kinabalu
Airport in Borneo. Why a funeral parlor would
need a 24 hour hotline is beyond me; perhaps
its better not to ask...
Protect Mr. Earth!
03/01/10 07:15
An appropriate first posting for 2010; from a bag in
a fashion outlet in Wanchai. With global warming
worsening (and conservative 'deniers' helping it
along) the world needs protection more than ever, and
its upgraded its private security force with some
ex-Navy Seals armed to the teeth (adding some much
needed firepower to its usual security detail -
doves, flowers and dragonflies). I love the bizarre
inclusion of art nouveau scrollwork; really brings
the image together. Honestly the first time I've seen
'the Earth' actually refer to itself as a man, but
maybe with the new year it's decided to go with a
phrase that will resonate more with its old boy
network adversaries - "That's MISTER Earth to you,
a**hole!"
Happy... Spongey Christmas!
28/12/09 19:13
The primary decoration for a mall in Kennedy Town. Im
not really surprised Spongebob Squarepants has
reached this level of product saturation etc, but it
was a bit odd to see a thirty foot version of him
hanging in the atrium. Also 'Happy Spongey Christmas'
has a rather disconcerting ring to it, like happy
moldy xmas, or happy pond bottom holidays! (oh the
joy of sinking ones toes into pond bottom scum)..
'Black as Hell, Strong as Death' vs. 'Espresso Yourself!'
20/12/09 09:48
The stairs leading to a new cafe in the GOD ('Goods
Of Desire' - more on this in another post) store in
Causeway Bay. Love the line - coffee should be
black as hell, strong as death (anyone who knows
me personally is aware of my penchant for strong joe
- 'chewable coffee' as I call it). Definitely the
kind gritty urban cafe I'd like to visit. But then
they totally ruin the effect the next step up -
be a coffee drinking individual - espresso
yourself! It seems the copywriter was worried
that he'd gone too far with strong as death
etc. and then wildly overcompensated;
espresso yourself! seems better suited for a
coffee, potpourri, & scrapbooking shop in
Indiana, specializing in delightful 'flavored
coffees' like Hazelnutty...
Your Flat Belly H/W8 Deeply Cares
11/12/09 19:21
A sign for a spa/salon in TST named AnthonG (?).
Seems they now have access to the latest in sentient
body part upgrade technology. This allows them to
replace the uncaring flab currently
occupying your midriff with flat belly H/W8 (which is
copyrighted apparently), capable of independent
thought and higher level emotions like
compassion. The mind boggles at what other body parts
they can switch out; A/E7, the left calf with the
knack for timely compliments; or S/T66, the right
pectoral who understands, really understands
what you're going through right now...
Down Beat Bleeding 89, aka The Ethereal Mirror Violet Vortex
07/12/09 07:24
A store window t-shirt from Wanchai - easily one of
the oddest I've come across. Usually these have odd
mishmashes of athletic and/or sexual phrases, but
this one seemed too good to be true. I dutifully
googled it later, expecting to find a takeoff of some
hipster brand like 'helmet of the will' in NYC;
instead I came across this wikipedia entry:
The Ethereal Mirror is the second full-length album by British doom metal band Cathedral. Released in 1993, this album sees the band experiment a wider scale of sound than on their debut album Forest of Equilibrium. The songs are not as doom-laden and grinding as on the first album... 'Violet Vortex' is the intro...
WOW. Who would have suspected that knockoff t-shirt designers were ripping off obscure death metal bands? Though I have to admit The Ethereal Mirror Violet Vortex would be a great electronica or triphop band name...
The Ethereal Mirror is the second full-length album by British doom metal band Cathedral. Released in 1993, this album sees the band experiment a wider scale of sound than on their debut album Forest of Equilibrium. The songs are not as doom-laden and grinding as on the first album... 'Violet Vortex' is the intro...
WOW. Who would have suspected that knockoff t-shirt designers were ripping off obscure death metal bands? Though I have to admit The Ethereal Mirror Violet Vortex would be a great electronica or triphop band name...
Famous Hollywood Socialite Epicuren Discovery Line
06/12/09 07:27
A poster for 'celebrity skincare secrets' at one of
the myriad beauty centers in HK. There are literally
hundreds of anti-aging and skin whitening facilities
here, but only this one offers the 'famous hollywood
socialite epicuren' effect. All the secrets that made
Barbara Streisand's skin the envy of the socialite
world are now yours to discover... Unfortunately the
proprietor 'borrowed' some pretty unflattering shots
of several tinseltown beauties; note the shiny and/or
ruddy complexions and the rather melancholy Jennifer
Anniston. Still the most troubling is the inclusion
of Michael Jackson - the only 'male' in the bunch. I
suppose you could end up looking 'famous' alright,
but probably not for the reasons you intended...
Shop Until You Pop? POPTASTIC
05/12/09 09:20
Lane Crawford's latest tagline - shop until you
pop! It truly is... Poptastic. What other word
can capture such magic? Guess 'shop til you explode'
was taken. I pity the poor souls who actually
constructed the mylar balloon letters - a lot of work
for very little return it seems. I also pity whoever
gets to clean up the mess when the tai tais
do pop while shopping - good thing lane
crawford has marble floors, as you can never really
get blood stains out of deep pile carpets...
Microsex Office - Sheninagans 4.0
02/12/09 07:29
A poster for an upcoming HK play, a wacky sendup full
of 'accidental' physical contact, embarrassed
stuttering, and genial computer geekery. The
protagonists apparently include 'Rosa the steamy hot
secretary' and 'Tyson the perpetually stunned
accountant'. Checkout the madcap shenanigans below -
Rosa crossing her legs just as Tyson reaches
for her knee. How deliciously ribald - just like the
real Microsoft Office!
Note the 'explorer pointer hand' and subtly redesigned logo, complete with 'pinching' hands and tiny male/female symbols. Hey, that looks just like the real office logo! Suffice to say the play's title won't be helping to dispel that nasty stereotype about asian males, as it brings to mind the (now ancient) joke about Microsoft being named after BIll Gates' genitalia...
Note the 'explorer pointer hand' and subtly redesigned logo, complete with 'pinching' hands and tiny male/female symbols. Hey, that looks just like the real office logo! Suffice to say the play's title won't be helping to dispel that nasty stereotype about asian males, as it brings to mind the (now ancient) joke about Microsoft being named after BIll Gates' genitalia...
Beware of Upward/Downward Escalators
01/12/09 07:47
A helpful (if rather troubling) cautionary sign at
the South Horizons mall in Ap Lei Chau. Honestly what
other kinds of escalators are there?
Horizontal/vertical? In/Out? Perhaps its best to just
take the stairs...
Crystal. Winkie. Regen. Cheeky Girl.
28/11/09 08:43
A bus stop ad for Hotcha's latest album, Shall We
Shall We Dance Love. Interesting band name too;
the term 'hotcha' was big about what, 70 years ago?
Why not call yourselves 'flapper', or 'charleston'?
Anyway the titles etc are pretty tame by HK
standards; its the list of names at the lower right
that got my attention. Seems we have Crystal, Winkie,
and Regen, Cheeky Girls all. Perhaps they are all
rather cheeky individually, but collectively
form a singularity of pure Cheeky Girl
energy, ready to be unleashed in a veritable Dance
Love explosion. Shall we shall we? Oh yes,
we shall...
Possibly the "Spongiest" in Town
11/11/09 11:26
A blurb on a local HK tissue brand's packaging. I
love the phrasing; why not "we could be in error, but
we are relatively confident that this could indeed be
the spongiest." Definitely top three...
They also have a product that purports to (possibly) be the 'thriftiest'. Can paper towels be thrifty? I suppose it sounds better than 'stingiest'...
They also have a product that purports to (possibly) be the 'thriftiest'. Can paper towels be thrifty? I suppose it sounds better than 'stingiest'...
Liang Mo Modules Are Descendants of Ape-Man Mutation, Ultra-Deep V Bananas
09/11/09 09:08
This is the google translator's attempt at
deciphering a Chinese web article about 'planet of
the liang mo', banana baby etc. I felt it worth
including here in its entirety. Its a bit hard to
muddle through at times, but well worth the effort.
Enjoy.
Zhan Sir In addition to continuing cooperation with the four disciples, on the stage put a big smile shells, the publicity materials will be the embodiment of the upper mouth Liang Cheng 5 Die (LoBalla Beauty Lotion Bona, Cheapy Queeny He cheaper, Banana Baby coke often, Juicy Yummy plump mound and Hallow Kitty wearing according to grade), he would live to teach a whole module Jing Gong Lue : Big Breasts, Tong Yan / vest, hot pants / ice-cream, toothpaste, skin care cream / swimwear, sleepwear, Ultra-Deep V / bananas, milk, suck fingers / innocence, ignorance, pretending to cutie / low-level position, E CUP chest, so that those interested to join a generous mouth die Liang Ai-year Youth learn this upper nirvana...
I Liang Mo modules are descendants of ape-man mutation, a large number of cosmetic effects, and III-class photography posture, so that a successful invasion of the Earth's population Liang die. Whether Hong Kong Hong Kong men and women are unable to get rid of mold mouth Liang, Liang die last are reduced to a slave port. What Train Man can once again regain the rule of the earth right?
Zhan Sir In addition to continuing cooperation with the four disciples, on the stage put a big smile shells, the publicity materials will be the embodiment of the upper mouth Liang Cheng 5 Die (LoBalla Beauty Lotion Bona, Cheapy Queeny He cheaper, Banana Baby coke often, Juicy Yummy plump mound and Hallow Kitty wearing according to grade), he would live to teach a whole module Jing Gong Lue : Big Breasts, Tong Yan / vest, hot pants / ice-cream, toothpaste, skin care cream / swimwear, sleepwear, Ultra-Deep V / bananas, milk, suck fingers / innocence, ignorance, pretending to cutie / low-level position, E CUP chest, so that those interested to join a generous mouth die Liang Ai-year Youth learn this upper nirvana...
I Liang Mo modules are descendants of ape-man mutation, a large number of cosmetic effects, and III-class photography posture, so that a successful invasion of the Earth's population Liang die. Whether Hong Kong Hong Kong men and women are unable to get rid of mold mouth Liang, Liang die last are reduced to a slave port. What Train Man can once again regain the rule of the earth right?
May the Fond for Shopping be Appeased...
06/11/09 07:40
Promotional copy from our friends at Windsor Place
(again). This is one of those odd little blurbs that
adorn temporary construction partitions, and as such
I wonder if anyone else has actually read it - surely
not the guy who wrote it. HK is ablaze with
signs like these, that appear to be composed by
ancient software that randomly assembles similar
words, like 'desire' and 'exquisite', into fancy
sounding chains. These are then slapped up without
the benefit of having a fluent speaker proof them for
obvious errors or bizarre meanings. I actually
thought about starting a firm to proofread stuff like
this, assuming that anyone who put the time (and
money) into such signage wouldn't want to look silly
to english speaking clientele; but several locals
pointed out that the english blurbs aren't for the
native speakers, but for mainlanders and locals.
Dress up anything with impressive sounding english
words and it seems more 'classy'. Still these are
more sublime than most:
May the fond for shopping be appeased in here by the freshness
Now is the time for a new reign in town...
Come upon your feet to excite your shopping spree...
Majestic piece of shopping heaven, beautiful exquisite renova(tion?)
Here we are. Never stops the shopping!
And finally this blurb nearby - We strive for an exquisite growth, and let your shopping desire flow... let's touch and go.... oh yes, lets.
May the fond for shopping be appeased in here by the freshness
Now is the time for a new reign in town...
Come upon your feet to excite your shopping spree...
Majestic piece of shopping heaven, beautiful exquisite renova(tion?)
Here we are. Never stops the shopping!
And finally this blurb nearby - We strive for an exquisite growth, and let your shopping desire flow... let's touch and go.... oh yes, lets.
Healthier Choices in Chicken-Rending
25/10/09 08:17
A public service(?) poster for eating healthier via
the 'eatsmart restaurant' program. Apparently eating
healthier starts with giving customers access to
silverware, or at least cutting their chicken into
manageable portions, thus saving desperately hungry
(and time-constrained) businessmen the arduous hassle
of rending their own chickens by hand...
Anytizers - Meaty Good Man Food
23/10/09 08:06
A web ad from CNN's sports page, which reminds us
that Asia hardly has a monopoly on bizarrely named
products (and unintentional sexual innuendo). The
name 'anytizers' is ridiculous enough for inclusion
here, but 'meaty good man food?' And it
looks much more like dog food than 'man food'; I love
how they are literally tumbling of the plate, a
veritable cornucopia of pre-chewed meatballs (which I
assume - as a Tyson product - taste vaguely
chicken-ish). Definitely on a par with the 'beefy
cheesy glory' McDonald's billboard posted a few
months back. Maybe its the same ad agency...
Exploding Head Dancing Academy
20/10/09 07:53
A bus-side ad for the Creation Dance Academy, headed
by the dynamic - and excitingly coiffed! - Kenji
Actually the name is rather tame by HK standards, but as a graphic designer I am blessed/cursed with noticing logos far more than most people. I have to say this is one of the worst I've ever come across; I love the tango couple's oddly morphed bodies, but the head-exploding magic emanating from the woman's swooping hand really takes it up a notch. I'm guessing Kenji commissioned this logo to represent the dramatic demise of CDA's founder; his dance partner had generated so much passion that as she swept her hand up to touch his trembling cheek, it accidently arced and ignited his hair spray (producing a fabulous if tragic finale to an otherwise magical dance creation).
Actually the name is rather tame by HK standards, but as a graphic designer I am blessed/cursed with noticing logos far more than most people. I have to say this is one of the worst I've ever come across; I love the tango couple's oddly morphed bodies, but the head-exploding magic emanating from the woman's swooping hand really takes it up a notch. I'm guessing Kenji commissioned this logo to represent the dramatic demise of CDA's founder; his dance partner had generated so much passion that as she swept her hand up to touch his trembling cheek, it accidently arced and ignited his hair spray (producing a fabulous if tragic finale to an otherwise magical dance creation).
Shouts of Bags!
14/10/09 07:33
While waiting for my web provider to recover my (now
lost) old files, I stumbled on a few pictures from
our first month or so here. This is from a
now-defunct store near Harbour City. Pretty much
speaks for itself - "Bags! Shouts of Bags!" Don't
know if that should be said with an excited carnival
shout, or like a despairing anchor reporting live
outside a raging boutique fire." ..Now we're hearing
shouts of 'bags! bags!' All those reasonably priced
yet edgy purses going up in flames... Oh the horror!"
L'Homos Johnbull Tabloid News
12/10/09 07:02
A few more brand names for the eagerly awaited mall
in Causeway Bay. I was struck by 'L'Homos' - that
does mean 'the homos' in french, correct?
Nothing wrong with a gay-only brand of course, but a
hard sell as a t-shirt moniker for straight men, even
metrosexuals. I was also taken by the flow
(alliteration?) of the three names combined -
l'homo johnbull tabloid news - interesting
ring to it. Of course 'tabloid news' doesn't exactly
scream 'quality' either...
Democracy of Nevermind
14/09/09 20:42
These are a few of the more memorable knock-off
brands slated to grace a refurbished mall in Causeway
Bay; "Democracy of Nevermind" is my personal
favorite. Several are actually well-executed logos,
but utterly nonsensical, such as "Trunk Ltd.- A
Moment in Time". What the hell is that supposed to
mean? And of course there's "Barak" - no doubt
inspired by our - inspirational(!) president, though
you'd think they'd at least get the spelling right. I
actually like the juxtaposition of "1% Barak" too;
now that would make an interesting brand name. Like
to see the tagline -"When it comes to Barak, all you
need is 1%"...
No, YOUR Bra Sucks
12/09/09 07:17
This is an ad for a lingerie store across from Times
Square in Causway Bay. Despite its obvious
eye-catching qualities, I'm mystified by the tagline:
who is she supposed to be talking to exactly? Other
women? As in: Your bra sucks, though I'm not
wearing one, but if I was it would make you
feel even more inadequate, soooo... you'd better get
in here and buy a bra! What should be a woman's reply
be? No your bra sucks, or no your
thong sucks, it isn't very... pragmatic, and
would show terribly under a skirt...
Or to men: your bra sucks, though you obviously don't wear bras (at least most of you don't), but you aren't looking at the tagline anyway, hell it could say 'lunchmeat one dollar' and you'd still stare at me, especially considering my 'come hither' look and rather subtle lack of clothing. How about 'tell your wife/girlfriend that her bra sucks, and point to this handy billboard to illustrate your point'! That should go over well...
Or to men: your bra sucks, though you obviously don't wear bras (at least most of you don't), but you aren't looking at the tagline anyway, hell it could say 'lunchmeat one dollar' and you'd still stare at me, especially considering my 'come hither' look and rather subtle lack of clothing. How about 'tell your wife/girlfriend that her bra sucks, and point to this handy billboard to illustrate your point'! That should go over well...
Madcap (Hypnotized?) Golfing Tigers
03/09/09 07:59
I rarely get a chance to get shots of English
butchering t-shirts here, either because I didn't get
a chance to ask (and don't want to be a hypocrite) or
because the shop employees become mortified or rather
brusque when I ask to take a picture of the
merchandise. So I considered myself lucky whenever
even a minor gem like this gets displayed prominently
in a window. The moniker 'golfing tigers' is (just)
enough for inclusion, but the actual mascot, complete
with madcap knock-kneed stroke and disturbingly
glazed over eyes, is intriguing. Has he been
hypnotized for madcap comic effect, dressed like a
theme park safari guide, tehn cajoled into swinging a
titanium driver dangerously about? What happens if
the tiger wakes up? Does he maul his defenseless tax
attorney partner? Or the mid-level cadres playing
through Mission Hills like they own the place? Now
that would make a great t-shirt...
Sticker: We Have Hopes Because We Have Love...
22/08/09 21:14
From the packaging of a set of kiddie stickers given
to my youngest daughter. Unfortunately a bit hard to
read here, but it says "we have hopes because we have
love" under the big "Sticker" label. While dressing
up products with nonsensical English phrasing is
quite typical in Asia, few if any offer such stirring
musings as this. Yes, sometimes its the little things
that remind you of what's truly important in
life, things like hopes, love, and stickers...
Makes for a great mantra too - we have hopes because we have love, and we have love because we have sticker, and we have sticker because we have hopes, and...
.
Makes for a great mantra too - we have hopes because we have love, and we have love because we have sticker, and we have sticker because we have hopes, and...
.
A Terrible Price for an English Accent...
16/08/09 08:53
A billboard in Causeway Bay for an English tutoring
service. Yes, her BBC accent is flawless, her
knowledge of subtle class differences (and cricket
scoring) impressive, even a newfound taste for
bangers and mash. But at the cost of a hideously
disfigured tongue...
Trendyland
29/07/09 08:39
A storefront in Kowloon near the Science Museum.
Unfortunately Trendyland was closed when we happened
by, so I don't know what exciting new brands etc are
available here. Judging by their sign I'm thinking
they are actually a decade (if not more) behind the
latest hot trends, so no Lady Gaga or Wii consoles.
But great deals on acid-washed jeans, Miami Vice
pastel jackets, and Hootie and the Blowfish CDs - all
at trendy prices of course.
The Fabled Lanyard Kingdom
27/07/09 08:21
An older billboard in Mong Kok. Dare to enter the
fabled lanyard kingdom, and stand before the mighty
lanyard king himself, Lanyo IX. He greets all
visitors with a welcoming 'lei' flowered lanyard,
complete with an ID card to access your sumptuous
guest chambers. He himself wears a magnificent gold
lanyard, with but one tiny key - to his heart...
But beware, the lanyard kingdom is patented, so any attempt to start your own neck-accessory empire will meet with fierce resistance from Lanyo IX's crack legal team.
But beware, the lanyard kingdom is patented, so any attempt to start your own neck-accessory empire will meet with fierce resistance from Lanyo IX's crack legal team.
'Prisoner of Love' Taiko Drum Game
18/07/09 04:02
Another Tokyo arcade game from last xmas. You can't
read the name unfortunately, but this game is called
"Prisoner of Love" in the upper right-hand corner.
Maybe its from an old Japanese poem - my tears
fall like drumbeats upon my video parlor taiko
drums... maybe not.
Anyway I couldn't get this thing to work, and no one came up to play, so I don't know how you 'free your love', though I assume it's like dance dance revolution etc, and that you have to match the games cadence with your own drums. A good workout at least, and far safer than the Beeterro ride mentioned earlier. Unless the prisoner of love is Godzilla, and playing them just right unleashes him (again) on Tokyo. Never Osaka, always Tokyo.
Anyway I couldn't get this thing to work, and no one came up to play, so I don't know how you 'free your love', though I assume it's like dance dance revolution etc, and that you have to match the games cadence with your own drums. A good workout at least, and far safer than the Beeterro ride mentioned earlier. Unless the prisoner of love is Godzilla, and playing them just right unleashes him (again) on Tokyo. Never Osaka, always Tokyo.
I Corrupt All Cops! All of Them! Me!
18/07/09 04:01
Another forgotten laptop image, this one a bus-side
ad for "I Corrupt All Cops" a Hong Kong original
movie. I just thought the name was hilarious to be
honest, though I'm glad I looked it up - the title is
a 'clever' play on the abbreviation “ICAC”, the
Independent Commission Against Corruption, an
infamous anti-corruption force set up in the '70s to
clean up HK's notoriously corrupt police force.
The director, Wong Jing, is famous here for his over-the-top violence and shlock factor, and this movie apparently doesn't dissappoint. As per usual in these films, the characters have puzzling english names which have nothing to do the movie, like Gold (Wong Jing himself), Gale, a womanizing lieutenant, and a foul-mouthed detective suitably called Unicorn. Interesting how many foul mouthed cops have 'unicorn' as a nickname, considering that unicorns in the wild are actually renowned for their brutality...
The director, Wong Jing, is famous here for his over-the-top violence and shlock factor, and this movie apparently doesn't dissappoint. As per usual in these films, the characters have puzzling english names which have nothing to do the movie, like Gold (Wong Jing himself), Gale, a womanizing lieutenant, and a foul-mouthed detective suitably called Unicorn. Interesting how many foul mouthed cops have 'unicorn' as a nickname, considering that unicorns in the wild are actually renowned for their brutality...
Sly McFly's Refueling Station
12/07/09 23:59
A restaurant/bar/refueling station near the famed
Monterey Aquarium (which I highly recommend by the
way). Unfortunately we were already committed to
Mexican food, so I was unable to sample the (no doubt
cleverly named) wares at Sly's. Also I did want to
include a few American signs from our visit here,
just to remind my loyal reader(s) that Hong Kong has
serious competition for surreal names and
preposterous advertising.
I was really hoping that this was a literary reference to a John Steinbeck character (author of Grapes of Wrath and local homegrown celebrity). Alas I looked it up on the internets, and there isn't a lovable conman/trickster named 'sly mcfly' anywhere; neither is there a token 'hip' black character in an '80s movie who exclaims 'nice goin' sly mcfly' as the achingly dorky but lovable protagonist trips and spills his entire lunch tray all over his beloved 'secret' cheerleader crush...
I was really hoping that this was a literary reference to a John Steinbeck character (author of Grapes of Wrath and local homegrown celebrity). Alas I looked it up on the internets, and there isn't a lovable conman/trickster named 'sly mcfly' anywhere; neither is there a token 'hip' black character in an '80s movie who exclaims 'nice goin' sly mcfly' as the achingly dorky but lovable protagonist trips and spills his entire lunch tray all over his beloved 'secret' cheerleader crush...
Aww You Guys - Find Whatever You Like
22/06/09 12:06
A strangely named shop in Hanoi, and one of the few
english-only signs in Hanoi. I couldn't decide if
this was meant to have an aww shucks tone -
'aww you guys... find whatever you like, ya hear?' or
have an on-the-verge-of tears ring to it: 'stop it
you guys... ok fine... you go ahead and find
whatever you like... see
if I care... f*ckers.' Unfortunately we didn't get a
chance to peruse the shelves, so who knows, maybe it
goes back 500 metres and is crammed top-to-bottom
with a mind-boggling array of quality merchandise,
truly everything we'd ever need. Or not.
Pizza In a Cone - Finally an Answer to Those Annoying Slices
19/06/09 16:06
From a restaurant window in the Old Quarter of Hanoi.
This has to rank as one of the most unappetizing (and
ridiculous) food concepts I've ever come across.
Honestly who would want their pizza this way? Weren't
McPizza pockets bad enough? (Yes there was a
'McPizza' in the US decades ago, and yes it was as
evil as it sounds). Anyway when did it become to
challenging to eat pizza in the traditional 'slice'
format? Has anyone ever bitterly complained
about unwieldy slices, and fervently wished they
could enjoy their pizza in a convenient concentrated
cone? Needless to say my wife and I were both rather
put off by the thought of getting halfway through one
of these monstrosities, then hitting the thick knot
of congealed cheese and pepperoni nuggets trapped at
the center...
Dead Sea of Life
19/06/09 15:35
This is an outlet in TST near the Chatham Road. I
assume they sell various ointments and bath products
made from 'Dead Sea' salt, which supposedly has
wondrous rejuvenating properties. Why this salt is
superior to any other salt has never been explained
to me, though the biblical references surely don't
hurt sales.
For what its worth you can float in a foot or so of water there; I've actually done this in the Salt Lake in the US, and it is pretty wild, though the heat and the trillions of sandflies tend to dampen the fun fairly quickly. Anyway I was obviously taken by the sign - you can't be a sea of life and a dead sea simultaneously my friend; not a lot of gray area between the two...
For what its worth you can float in a foot or so of water there; I've actually done this in the Salt Lake in the US, and it is pretty wild, though the heat and the trillions of sandflies tend to dampen the fun fairly quickly. Anyway I was obviously taken by the sign - you can't be a sea of life and a dead sea simultaneously my friend; not a lot of gray area between the two...
Muscle Worker Dance Show
19/06/09 14:43
A poster for a 'Muscle Worker Dance Show' at the
'WHY' club in Causeway Bay(?). I guess the more well
known 'Construction Worker Stripper Review' was
already being staged by their bitter archrivals over
at the 'WHAT' club.
I suppose a 'muscle worker show' wouldn't be that unusual a strip club in the US that occasionally caters to bachelorette parties (usually made up of tipsy secretaries and bitter divorcees). But these guys either have a brutally dry sense of humor (pretty doubtful) or they missed that newsflash about the Village People being gay fantasy icons. So it makes no sense to charge 'gents' $200 HKD at the door - hell they should pay straight guys $200 just to get them inside. Unless this is a gay club; but then why let ladies in free, or offer them unlimited free drinks? Why would gay men pay $200 for a chance to get straight women drunk? Maybe that's why they're called the WHY club - Why? Why the hell not?
I suppose a 'muscle worker show' wouldn't be that unusual a strip club in the US that occasionally caters to bachelorette parties (usually made up of tipsy secretaries and bitter divorcees). But these guys either have a brutally dry sense of humor (pretty doubtful) or they missed that newsflash about the Village People being gay fantasy icons. So it makes no sense to charge 'gents' $200 HKD at the door - hell they should pay straight guys $200 just to get them inside. Unless this is a gay club; but then why let ladies in free, or offer them unlimited free drinks? Why would gay men pay $200 for a chance to get straight women drunk? Maybe that's why they're called the WHY club - Why? Why the hell not?
'Norse Trade Route' - the new A&F
16/06/09 07:49
This is a t-shirt adorning a weekend dad in Victoria
Park (for what its worth he had no problem with my
taking a picture - unfortunately the picture didn't
turn out well, and his head got cut off by a jungle
gym).
I looked up 'NTR' - apparently this bold new brand has yet to have its official roll out. But Abercrombie and Diesel beware - the Norse are coming to establish a trade route, and woe to any who dare oppose them. One would assume that Vikings would be more interested in raping and pillaging, though truth be told they did a whole lot more colonizing and founding kingdoms like 'Muscovy' (aka Moscow), but I digress. This is the 21st century after all, so global trade rules the day...
I looked up 'NTR' - apparently this bold new brand has yet to have its official roll out. But Abercrombie and Diesel beware - the Norse are coming to establish a trade route, and woe to any who dare oppose them. One would assume that Vikings would be more interested in raping and pillaging, though truth be told they did a whole lot more colonizing and founding kingdoms like 'Muscovy' (aka Moscow), but I digress. This is the 21st century after all, so global trade rules the day...
House of Small Potato
09/06/09 08:09
This is a cafe(?) in Causeway Bay. Unlike the House
of Blues in Chicago, Small Potato doesn't offer big
stars or blues legends (or pasteurized covers and
overpriced drinks either), but your second
home, a place to unwind with other unknowns
and well, small potatoes. You can strip down to socks
and underwear, play a few lazy games of go-fish,
watch original 'Battlestar Galactica' reruns on the
analog TV, or cheer on the newbie guitarist up on the
makeshift corner stage as he butchers 'Mannish Boy'.
I'm assuming the zoot-suited potato is an allusion to jazz aficionados, but its frankly hard to tell. He does have a rather contented expression though, so maybe this would be a nice place to while away an afternoon...
I'm assuming the zoot-suited potato is an allusion to jazz aficionados, but its frankly hard to tell. He does have a rather contented expression though, so maybe this would be a nice place to while away an afternoon...
Head Shop II
01/06/09 17:48
A hair salon in Ap Lei Chau. For Americans of a
certain age the term 'head shop' usually refers to a
store that sells pot smoking paraphenalia, or
'recreational tobacco water pipes', the 'legal' term
for them. Honestly has anyone EVER smoked tobacco out
of a bong?
Anyway the name was just enough to justify inclusion here, though the added 'II' piqued my interest - where is head shop I? Must be pretty impressive. Also I like the subtle hair follicle and the clinging pink bubbles. Head Shop I actually rinses out the shampoo - and then uses the pink water for 'recreational tobacco inhalation'.
Anyway the name was just enough to justify inclusion here, though the added 'II' piqued my interest - where is head shop I? Must be pretty impressive. Also I like the subtle hair follicle and the clinging pink bubbles. Head Shop I actually rinses out the shampoo - and then uses the pink water for 'recreational tobacco inhalation'.
Might Want to Reconsider That Name...
16/05/09 08:53
This is a hair salon in Causeway Bay. Pretty tame
compared to 'dragon beard icy crispy candy', but not
the ideal choice if for someone selling coiffure
expertise. Unless they specialize in the über-grunge
anime hair so popular with the HK hipster set. I
suppose I could wait outside for a bit and get a
before/after shot: first the normal haired customer
entering with, then exiting an hour later with
full-on 'Robert Smith from the Cure as Manga hero...
Genuine Typhoon Shelter Fried Crab
12/05/09 17:26
This is a from restaurant sign in Wanchai. Initially
I was quite pleased with myself for stumbling on
this, as its a truly inspired name for a signature
dish. But alas 'typhoon shelter crab' is pretty
common in HK; a style of cooking that originated with
people living permanently in the typhoon shelters off
the harbor. Still, it sounds pretty tempting, and its
genuine, not like the 'typhoon shelter
kangaroo steaks' next door...
Very Pro Shop - Beware!
12/05/09 17:15
This is a bowling equipment store across from the
South China Athletic Association, home of one of the
busiest bowling lanes in HK. Not for rank amateurs or
mere pros, but 'very pro' level players only.
The bearded 'doctor' is unsettling though; he's got one ball pinned under a serious drilling machine, and he's looking for a heartbeat on another. I haven't seen much of the SAW movies, but for some reason this reminded me of them. Like the ball has its escape key lodged inside it, and can only get to it by using the drill on itself. Maybe its his opaque 3D sunglasses that unnerve me - though the beard is pretty odd too. I wonder if under the glasses he has - bowling ball holes! da da dum! (OK so it's not particularly scary for you, but for a bowling ball...)
The bearded 'doctor' is unsettling though; he's got one ball pinned under a serious drilling machine, and he's looking for a heartbeat on another. I haven't seen much of the SAW movies, but for some reason this reminded me of them. Like the ball has its escape key lodged inside it, and can only get to it by using the drill on itself. Maybe its his opaque 3D sunglasses that unnerve me - though the beard is pretty odd too. I wonder if under the glasses he has - bowling ball holes! da da dum! (OK so it's not particularly scary for you, but for a bowling ball...)
Oh DJ Chimp Robo - Appear!
29/04/09 16:57
The next installment in the AKIPA 'mutant english'
collection: DJ Chimp Robo - Appear! Our hero
has been called by the city with a 'bat signal', in
his case the word Appear emblazoned in
cheesy cursive above their rather lame skyline. Note
the fighter escort though, which if nothing else
gives you a great sense of scale. And of course we
have the now classic fox sidekick - why do
all DJ chimp robot heroes have a fox sidekick? Good
question.
Looks like DJ Chimp Robo already has his battlebot ready for action, with fists raised and laser javelins(?) at the ready. I'm guessing he has some serious decks and potent loops queued up inside his DJ fishbowl; and check out those mad headphones. Let's get a sample of his hard hitting tracks, sure to strike fear in the heart of... well... whoever dares do battle with a robot commanding DJ chimp!
Ohohohoh - DJ Chimp Robo! - wiki wiki wiki - DDDDDJ chimp chimpity chimp - wiki wiki wiki - roboroborobo - app- app -appear- wiki wiki wiki - ROBO!
Looks like DJ Chimp Robo already has his battlebot ready for action, with fists raised and laser javelins(?) at the ready. I'm guessing he has some serious decks and potent loops queued up inside his DJ fishbowl; and check out those mad headphones. Let's get a sample of his hard hitting tracks, sure to strike fear in the heart of... well... whoever dares do battle with a robot commanding DJ chimp!
Ohohohoh - DJ Chimp Robo! - wiki wiki wiki - DDDDDJ chimp chimpity chimp - wiki wiki wiki - roboroborobo - app- app -appear- wiki wiki wiki - ROBO!
MONEY MAN = NAM YENOM = Mummy?
29/04/09 16:25
This is another t-shirt from AKIPA. I have to say
this is one of the most surreal I've ever
encountered. First off 'Money Man' is also a mummy
(Mummy Man)? This is a either a bad mistranslation or
a stunning play on words (well, it is for a knockoff
t-shirt designer at least). I don't know what to make
of the bright red slashes around his mouth -
bloodstains? But more bizarre perhaps than the
money/mummy synthesis is the backwards spelling of
his name across his chest. This would read correctly
in your rearview mirror, just like 'ECNALUBMA' for
AMBULANCE. Soooo... he spends a a lot of time running
in traffic?
So many unsettling questions. Why is he a mummy? Why are his hands green under the bandages? Do the bandages hold in his money, or is he made of money? Why is he wearing a trucker hat? My head hurts...
So many unsettling questions. Why is he a mummy? Why are his hands green under the bandages? Do the bandages hold in his money, or is he made of money? Why is he wearing a trucker hat? My head hurts...
Skyhop L. Bear is NOT a Vehicle
27/04/09 16:54
This is a t-shirt from AKIPA, a department store in
Tai Koo Shing. They have a wide variety of 'faux
english' clothing, but I only managed to get a few
shots before I was approached by a rude plainclothes
security guard. Having a Chinese store detective
lecture me on copyright infringement truly made my
day. I asked him where the sign that said photography
is forbidden was, and he literally pointed at a blank
section of wall and grunted 'there'. I thought at the
time he was trying to keep me from stealing their
precious language mutilations, but I realized later
that he probably thought I was taking photos as
evidence of their copyright violations. Oh
well, I did get a few real doozies, like this one,
which reads:
Skyhop: L.Bear Soda Imitation Flavor (I guess they couldn't get ahold of an authentic L. Bear, though they did get the colors right at least) - ! Attention - Please without melting it - Please do not throw out - Please do not get on - It is not a vehicle.
So you kids at home remember - do not to try to ride your Skyhop L. Bear ice cream pop under any circumstances.
Skyhop: L.Bear Soda Imitation Flavor (I guess they couldn't get ahold of an authentic L. Bear, though they did get the colors right at least) - ! Attention - Please without melting it - Please do not throw out - Please do not get on - It is not a vehicle.
So you kids at home remember - do not to try to ride your Skyhop L. Bear ice cream pop under any circumstances.
Choking Edge, Want Me Sexy!!
25/04/09 10:41
This is sign for a hipster apparel line originating
in Taiwan. I had some difficulty deciding whether to
file this under 'fashionique' or 'super english
force', but in the end had to go with verbiage over
fashion. Initially I was only going to post this
street sign, as the name 'choking edge' for - well,
for anything really - is pure genius. I have
no idea what the background texture is supposed to
be; my best guess is tree bark. Choking, edges and
bark don't seem to have much in common to me, but
obviously I'm not hip, edgy or barky enough.
Then - out of morbid curiosity if nothing else - I checked out their website, and beheld this opening page.
Yow. Suffice it to say I felt it necessary to censor the image a wee bit, though I love the bold tag line - Want Me Sexy!! - not a question but a demand. I believe ZETETIC (the present in spirit) is their flagship brand, with shirts, hats and other fashionique items available. I was unable to decipher what 'ZETETIC' is an acronym for, though it certainly sounds choky and edgy. Unfortunately I couldn't navigate the site very well, but I did manage to see some of the other merchandise. My favorite is the 'I heart choking edge' assortment. Hell who doesn't?
Then - out of morbid curiosity if nothing else - I checked out their website, and beheld this opening page.
Yow. Suffice it to say I felt it necessary to censor the image a wee bit, though I love the bold tag line - Want Me Sexy!! - not a question but a demand. I believe ZETETIC (the present in spirit) is their flagship brand, with shirts, hats and other fashionique items available. I was unable to decipher what 'ZETETIC' is an acronym for, though it certainly sounds choky and edgy. Unfortunately I couldn't navigate the site very well, but I did manage to see some of the other merchandise. My favorite is the 'I heart choking edge' assortment. Hell who doesn't?
Modern Toilet Restaurant. Really.
18/04/09 15:16
I was going to refrain from another 'scatological'
post for a while, but I stumbled on this restaurant
sign in Mongkok and had to post it. Apparently
they've hit upon the brilliant idea of selling their
sumptuous sundaes, chili - yes chili - and
other treats in custom dishes that resemble toilets,
bidets and urinals. They've also been kind enough to
include symbols for both men's and ladies rooms,
though I don't know if that means women can't order
something in the urinal.
Honestly this is the worst presentation for food I've ever seen, easily surpassing those 'gross out' kiddie products made to look like snot and other bodily fluids. Who could eat a soft ice cream or spaghetti bolognese out of a toilet and ignore the connotation? And for the love of all that's holy, what do they call their masterpieces? The mind boggles...
.
Honestly this is the worst presentation for food I've ever seen, easily surpassing those 'gross out' kiddie products made to look like snot and other bodily fluids. Who could eat a soft ice cream or spaghetti bolognese out of a toilet and ignore the connotation? And for the love of all that's holy, what do they call their masterpieces? The mind boggles...
.
Too ORANGEY for {PORN:
15/04/09 15:40
This is a hoodie worn by an unsuspecting mainlander
near the Jade Market in Kowloon. Actually I'm just
assuming she's from the mainland, as I can't imagine
she knows what it says (or that her English speaking
HK relatives would let her go out in it). I rarely
take pictures of 'english butchering' t-shirts etc,
but this one was simply too sublime to pass up.
Unfortunately the photos didn't come out very well -
It officially reads too ORANGEY for {PORN: I
was especially taken by the addition of a bracket and
colon, as if the phrase needed jazzed up any further.
Maybe she does know what it says after all, and just doesn't care. Or maybe she really is too orangey for porn.
Maybe she does know what it says after all, and just doesn't care. Or maybe she really is too orangey for porn.
Balls O' Fire Cubits
09/04/09 08:26
This is on the menu of Pierces, the chicken outfit
that replaced 'Alien Potato Chips' and 'Bamboo
Icy-Crispy Dragon Beard Candy'. Let's hope they have
more success than their predecessors. One would think
that something can't be a 'ball' and a 'cubit'
simultaneously, but its trademarked, so they must
know something we don't. I wonder if they employ
quantum physicists at Pierces.
These guys claim to be a US franchise, though I've never heard of them; must be based in the South. I can't imagine 'cubits' competing well against 'mcnuggets', but who knows. They also show some appetizing footage of chickens being defeathered, racked and processed on a video monitor next to the cubits. I don't think it's usually a good idea to show butchering etc to the customers, though Hong Konger cubit-eaters will probably appreciate footage of clean poultry processing facilities far more than their US counterparts.
These guys claim to be a US franchise, though I've never heard of them; must be based in the South. I can't imagine 'cubits' competing well against 'mcnuggets', but who knows. They also show some appetizing footage of chickens being defeathered, racked and processed on a video monitor next to the cubits. I don't think it's usually a good idea to show butchering etc to the customers, though Hong Konger cubit-eaters will probably appreciate footage of clean poultry processing facilities far more than their US counterparts.
Coziness You Have Never Enjoyed...
09/04/09 08:09
I stumbled on this product at a local HK grocer. I
think this one pretty much speaks for itself.
(Apologies for the obvious scatological humor, but I
couldn't resist posting it - or should I say the urge
to post it? The small print reads 'secret recipe from
USA for bowel openings and complexion benefiting',
though its unclear if it benefits you or your... hmm.
Well I suppose if anything needs comforting - OK OK
thats enough; this is going down a path that - OK OK
that's enough).
Alien Potato Chips
03/04/09 09:36
This was a very short-lived shop in Times Square,
ironically located in the same booth that 'Bamboo
Icy-Crispy Dragon Beard Candy' occupied. I guess the
feng-shui here is particularly bad, because one would
think that dragon beard candy or alien chips would be
surefire moneymakers.
It seems the aliens hit upon a way of skewering and spiral-cutting a whole potato, then deep frying the whole magilla. If only we could utilize this alien technology for other fast foods, like a spiral cut chicken leg or pizza slice. I have to admit they actually looked pretty tasty, though I imagine you'd really regret it about halfway through, as you realize you're eating the equivalent of a jumbo bag of earth chips.
It seems the aliens hit upon a way of skewering and spiral-cutting a whole potato, then deep frying the whole magilla. If only we could utilize this alien technology for other fast foods, like a spiral cut chicken leg or pizza slice. I have to admit they actually looked pretty tasty, though I imagine you'd really regret it about halfway through, as you realize you're eating the equivalent of a jumbo bag of earth chips.
Jumbo 747 Smell Killer
13/03/09 09:18
When you've got a nasty refrigerator odor on the
metaphorical scale of a passenger jet, it's time to
reach for Jumbo 747 Smell Killer. Note that
it doesn't just mask the odor, it kills it,
maybe by blowing out the door and catastrophically
depressurizing the freezer. No oxygen masks for
this unwanted passenger! I also like the
rather mystifying inclusion of a rainbow in the
packaging.
Of course if you have a smell the size of a C-130 or the new Airbus, well god help you son.
'
Of course if you have a smell the size of a C-130 or the new Airbus, well god help you son.
'
Pachinko... Fiber Slot?
14/02/09 12:17
This is the proud entrance to a large pachinko parlor
in downtown Kyoto. For those not familiar with it,
pachinko is a surprisingly lo-tech japanese vertical
pinball game, which seems to attract the same
obsessive devotion as slot machines in Vegas - or
Macau. There are a number of scatological jokes one
could make about fiber helping 'pass' the pachinko
balls through the slots etc, but that would be
unseemly and crude...
Super English Force - KOTen!!
07/02/09 15:32
This is from a bus ad in Wan Chai. There are quite a
few English language schools in HK, but these guys
seem to have the corner on the hipster/anime crowd.
Not sure how you're supposed to pronounce 'K.OTen'...
One can only hope that his smoldering eyes, playful
smirk, and rakish goatee 'translate' into some truly
awesome ESL power(!), and that he uses his super
english powers for good...
Lost City of Snacks
07/02/09 15:20
This is a candy/snackfood outlet at HK airport.
Doesn't look like much from the outside, but hidden
below the deceptively drab exterior shelving lies an
ancient metropolis brimming with exotic foodstuffs;
entire plazas piled high with deep-fried golden
lucre; a veritable El Dorado of sugary booty,
sprawling below the unsuspecting masses above...
Uncle Chi Chi Wants You - to Get a Digital Perm
14/12/08 20:19
This is from a salon's door in Wan Chai. I have no
idea how Uncle Sam is supposed to help Chi Chi Hair
sell the $380 special to the locals, but as an expat
Yank I was overcome by a sudden wave of patriotic
zeal, and very nearly partook of the enigmatic
'digital perm' myself...
Snow of House
30/08/08 09:32
This is a small ice cream franchise here in HK - not
very good honestly, but in their defense the portions
truly are 'jumbo'. And the name 'snow of house'
belies a zen-like understanding not only of
snow-based dairy products but how we perceive and
define such products, nay reality itself. They move
beyond a simple 'snow house' or 'house of snow' to a
snow composed of 'house', perhaps similar to
the platonic ideal of 'statue' slumbering in each
block of virgin marble - the house locked in each
snowfall...
Bamboo Icy-Crispy Dragon Beard Candy
11/07/08 18:34
'Be Alcoholist Frog'
03/06/08 20:06
This is a pair of socks for sale in the Little India
neighborhood of Singapore. English-language
mutilations are easy pickin's in Singapore and HK; in
fact whole books of said butcherings have been
amassed, usually by sardonic expats snickering at the
natives (while they themselves are don't speak a word
of Cantonese). Still, some are just too amazing to
pass up, and this one merits special recognition. The
socks also stand in stark counterpoint to 'Prince
Charming', the bling wearing frog that shares the
bin.
Who would wear 'be alcoholist frog' socks you ask? Perhaps a better question - who wouldn't? We are exhorted to not only 'wear' alcoholist frog socks, but to 'be alcoholist frogs'...that's heavy.
Who would wear 'be alcoholist frog' socks you ask? Perhaps a better question - who wouldn't? We are exhorted to not only 'wear' alcoholist frog socks, but to 'be alcoholist frogs'...that's heavy.